"Awake, My Soul!"

"Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.  Nevertheless, not withstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am!  Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.  I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.  And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.  He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.  Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the nighttime.  And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice I have sent up on high: and angels came down and ministered unto me." (2 Nephi 4: 16-24.)

So begins a passage in the Book of Mormon that has come to be known as the Psalm of Nephi.  Nephi was a prophet of God, he had seen visions and miracles -- he also saw the Son of God!  Yet even he experienced feelings of shame and anguish.  Did he often hear in his mind the accusing voices of his older brothers?  What sins and weaknesses troubled this mighty man of God enough that he would view himself as wretched?

In the end, it does not matter what temptations so easily beset Nephi; what matters is that even a man who had experienced and received so much, could still be brought so low by grief and anguish.  If such a man as Nephi could experience this anguish, this shame, can it be a surprise that we, too, might have such feelings?

While I have not been a witness to great visions or mighty miracles, I have experienced personal revelation and have even witnessed and been blessed by smaller miracles.  I have been filled with God's love, even to the point of being almost consumed by it.  I know that my cries have been heard, and I have been ministered to by friends -- sent in lieu of angels.  Who knows, I may even have been unknowingly ministered to by angels.  Yet I have often felt to say, as Nephi did, "Oh wretched man that I am!"

I too have sins and weaknesses, and temptations which so easily beset me.  As with Nephi, it does not really matter what those sins and temptations are; what matters is that they are difficult for me.  So it is, I am sure, with everyone else.  We all have challenges and we all have hard times.  We can be sure that the people around us are fighting battles that we cannot see.

I have written before about blind spots I had while in high school; one of them was the belief that no one had challenges like I did.  I was pretty sure that I had more challenges, and more difficult challenges. I was still thinking this way six months into my LDS mission and I wrote home about my feelings.  In response, I received a letter from my older brother which served to be the head slap that I needed.

"You are not unique because of your challenges," he wrote, "but for other reasons."  As I read that it seemed that my eyes were opened, and for the next week or so I was keenly aware of the challenges my fellow missionaries were experiencing -- my companion was having financial issues; my district leader was dealing with a difficult companion, and his companion was dealing with some health issues.

A friend wrote to me around the same time and said that we all have down times and we all experience feelings of inadequacy, but we are the master of our own soul and can determine how we feel and how we react to our challenges.  Yet, as we reach, we often fall short, for we are human and weak.  Sometimes our best efforts to determine how we feel and react are challenged by the grief and anguish we are often so easily beset with.  But there is hope, for through the Atonement we can be lifted by the Grace of our Savior, and our weaknesses can become strengths. (Ether 12:27.)  We can lift our voices on high and be filled with God's love.

Then might we say, as Nephi did: "Awake, my soul!  No longer droop in sin.  Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. . . .  Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say; O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation." (2 Nephi 4: 28, 30.)

Sometimes, though, it may be difficult to let go of the pain and anguish.  Another Book of Mormon prophet used the word "exquisite" to describe his anguish (Alma 36: 21), and I have often thought the same about my sorrows.  It might even seem better to hold on to those exquisite feelings than face the prospect of feeling nothing, or to risk that leap of faith required to experience the exquisite joys that may or may not come.  Our hearts may be broken, but are our spirits truly contrite?

"And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.  Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness. . . .

"And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more. . . .  And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding was my pain!" (Alma 36: 17-20.)

Who of us, if told that we could be healed and have that exquisite joy simply by looking to the Savior, would refuse to look?  God sent fiery serpents to afflict the Children of Israel and then commanded Moses to raise a brazen serpent so that all who looked upon it would be healed (1 Nephi 17: 41, 2 Nephi 25:20).  I have never understood how any of those who had been bitten could refuse to look -- skepticism I understand, but would you not look in order to say "see, I told you so," if it didn't work?  Yet, could we be refusing to look when we refuse to let go of our griefs -- it can be something other than sin which is harrowing us up -- or when we refuse to let go of our grudges, or when we refuse to forsake our sins and seek forgiveness?

"O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul?  Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies?  Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?  May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite!  O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!  O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness!" (2 Nephi 4: 31-33.)

Perhaps we have taken that leap of faith, and perhaps more than once.  Perhaps we have looked to the Savior, forsaken our sins and sought forgiveness.  Perhaps we have been lifted by His grace and filled with his love.  Perhaps we have felt to sing the song of redeeming love.  But, perhaps, we have not felt to sing that song recently.  If so, then once more unto the breach we must go.

For those who have entered in at the strait gate, it is for us to endure as we walk the narrow way.  We will continue to struggle with our weaknesses and will continue to fall short.  Discipleship is not a destination, it is a process.  If we have fallen short, again, then once more unto the breach . . . or, once more to our knees.

"Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh, yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness.  Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God." (2 Nephi 4: 35).

Go back to the top, for a moment; Nephi said that when he desired to rejoice that his heart groaned.  He did not say, "once, when I desired to rejoice. . . ." Perhaps one reason Nephi's voice would forever ascend was that he knew he would continue to fall short due to his human frailty, and thus would continue to need the grace of his Savior.

So it will be with us.  Therefore, once more unto the breach . . . er, knees, we go.