January of 1986 was a crazy time for me. I had asked a girl to the junior prom, and was sweating out her reply, while at the same time experiencing strong emotions regarding the girl I had taken to the prom the year before -- the girl I thought was my first love, and the girl I had found it very difficult to forget about when that love was unrequited. Despite my feelings for the first girl, I decided that the best thing I could do was to wait until after I had taken the second girl to the dance.
A few days after we returned to school from the holiday break, I had a chat with Mary, the girl I had asked to the dance a few weeks earlier. She did not say anything about the dance, but it seemed clear that she had received my note and had deciphered it. I gathered, also, that she viewed the invitation favorably. I hoped that she would give me her answer soon.
In the midst of all this, I experienced something of an epiphany: Life without adversity means nothing. Our view of life tends to be shortsighted; we want what we think is right for us today and we give little thought to the consequences. This was why I could not ask Julie to be my girl, however right it might have seemed in that moment. Meanwhile, over the years, I had experienced quite a bit of adversity, and it taught me much about life and how to live it. I felt that I have been given a great gift by going through all of that pain.
For a long time I was not able to see any good in my being unpopular. I would sometimes say, “Who does my being unpopular benefit? Not so-and-so, certainly not her, and definitely not him. No one is better off because of my suffering.” What I could not see was that I was the one benefiting from my life as an outcast. I learned so much because of it, not least that I should not hurt people they way I was being hurt. I feel that today I am a far better person for the adversity I experienced. We all must realize that we are the benefactors of our own suffering and not anyone else.
It has been said that everything happens for a reason. However, sometimes the reason is the simple fact that we make choices, or even that other people make choices. While we have the freedom and ability to choose our actions, we do not have the ability to choose the consequences. Still, even amidst the consequences of our choices, or the choices of others, there may still be something to learn, and something of value to take from the experience.
From the "famous last words" department, I actually wrote in my journal that "If Mary cannot go to the prom, I may start to feel bad, but then I must remember that some good must come to me as a result." The remark contained a certain amount of prescience.
All told, I would wait three weeks for Mary's answer, yet it somehow seemed longer. On Monday, January 13, I spoke with a mutual friend who suggested that I might finally be getting an answer about the prom. Later that day, after school, Mary called to say that she would love to go with me to the junior prom. What joy filled my heart, she had answered at last, and she had said yes!
I had a photography assignment due on Wednesday, which was to be an outdoor portrait. With a view to killing two birds with one stone, I called Mary to ask if she would help me with the assignment; I thought we could also discuss plans for the dance, then less than two weeks away. She agreed and I took her to Rocket Park -- which still had the rocket shaped tower and slide -- where I got some excellent photographs. Mary proved to be an excellent model, a real angel with a pretty face and a sweet smile. I can still see her, sitting in a swing, her head tilted to the side, and that incredible smile lighting up her face.
After dropping her off I was on cloud nine, so much so that I ran the stop sign a block from her house. I did not want that feeling to end, so I went for a drive, trying to make it last.
The embers were still burning a few hours later when, at a quarter to 10 o'clock, Mary called again. She said that she would have to cancel our date. Since she just wanted to be friends, she did not think it would be fair to me to spend a lot of money on the dance . . . on her. It was such a shock that I could only say that I understood.
But I did not understand. While I think that I had accepted the possibility of our not being more than friends, I am sure I still had some hope. Had I been so obvious? Had my efforts to keep cool actually betrayed my feelings?
I was devastated. Just hours before I had been on cloud nine, but now was in the depths of despair. How could this have happened?
The next day at school was one of those long days. It did not help to develop the pictures I had taken the day before, and to select to two best of that sweet angel. And then I saw her in the halls. Instead of saying "hi" and having her smile melt my heart, I felt a twinge in my stomach, and a stab to the heart, a scene that would repeat a few times throughout the rest of the week and into the next.
After the basketball game on Friday, I went with my friends to a fast food place to hang out. There I told my friends that Mary had cancelled our date to the junior prom. Someone asked if I would ask another girl, but with the dance just a week away I did not think that I could. Even if I could find a girl who had not been asked, I was still devastated by what happened. In fact, it would be a long time before I asked another girl out on a date.
Over the weekend I entertained thoughts of talking to Mary, to ask her why, and maybe to try to persuade her to change her mind. In the end, I did not talk to her. I chose to respect her decision. Also, it still hurt a little when I saw her at school. Over time, it would hurt a little less.
The junior prom of my junior year came and went, but my feelings for Julie remained. As I pondered what to do, I decided to listen to the counsel I had been given by leaders in my ward and wait until after my mission to have a girlfriend. Meanwhile, I had to find a way to deal with my feelings.
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