My junior year in high school had started better than I could have possibly imagined as I made many new friends, but it was about to take a different turn. I had followed through on my plan to build a friendship with a girl I met in my seminary class the previous year, and now I had capped that off by asking her to the Junior Prom. Worried that someone else might ask her first, I gave her my invite the Saturday before Christmas.
MIKE APLHA ROMEO YANKEE WHISKEY INDIA LIMA LIMA YANKEE OSCAR UNIFORM GOLF OSCAR TANGO OSCAR TANGO HOTEL ECHO JULIETT UNIFORM NOVEMBER INDIA OSCAR ROMEO PAPA ROMEO OSCAR MIKE WHISKEY INDIA TANGO HOTEL MIKE ECHO DELTA OSCAR UNIFORM GOLF.
The dance was five weeks out, but I hoped she would get back to me when school started again in January. In the meantime, I tried to enjoy the holiday break. I went to a multi-stake dance at the high school on New Year's Eve, but I did not seem to know many of the kids there. I ended up having a lonely evening.
I never really liked New Year's Eve, which I usually spent alone, thinking about the lonely year that was ending, and anticipating the lonely year about to begin. This New Year's Eve should have been different, after all, in a matter of days school would start and I would be with my friends again. But there was the rub, while things had changed dramatically at school, they had not changed much elsewhere.
As I stood there alone at this dance, I was suddenly flooded with thoughts and emotions regarding Julie. But why should I be thinking of Julie when I had asked Mary to the prom? It made no sense, but the gates were open and there was no stopping the torrent of thoughts and emotions.
Do I love Julie or not? Should I try to make her mine? What about Mary? Will I still like Julie after the prom? What should I do?
If I acted on my feelings for Julie I could hurt Mary. Somehow, I did not think Mary would appreciate it if the boy who had just asked her to a dance suddenly asked another girl to go steady. At the same time, I doubted that Julie would even care if Mary became more than a friend. Not that I was expecting anything more than friendship from Mary. Sure, I had hopes, but I think we had become good enough friends that I would have been okay if that is all we ever were.
Julie, on the other hand, would more likely be hurt if I did ask her to be my girlfriend. In hindsight, it seems clear that she did not want me to be her boyfriend. I think I even knew this at some level, which may have made me want her all the more. It seems that we want what we cannot have. Additionally, letting go can be a difficult thing to do.
Some of the worst things that happen to us are the things we do to ourselves; the thoughts we entertain, the grudges we carry, etc. Even things that are painful can be hard to let go of, then how much harder must it be to let go of the dream of a relationship, or to walk away from someone who in the past gave you joy.
For a few days I was running around in circles in my head. First, I told myself that I loved Julie, then I said I only thought that I loved her, then I would say that I did not love her, but that I had to be her friend, which was followed quickly with the thought that I was totally, completely in love with Julie. I felt like I was losing touch with reality.
I was also psyching myself out. At church one Sunday I tried to say "hello" to Julie, but got so nervous that I just could not do it. I could not understand how it could be so hard to be her friend. After all, the simple act of taking a little initiative and being the first to say "hi" had led to such a change in fortune with so many new friends. Yet with Julie I was psyching myself out to the point of paralysis.
Naturally, I reached out for a lifeline, a sweet angel named Mary. The smart play would be to wait until after the prom. A good date with Mary might just change the equation, even if we just continued on as friends. In any case, this crisis was mostly in my head. Julie had done nothing of late to encourage the thoughts and feelings I was having. I had been at a dance, by myself during the holiday break; I was lonely . . . and vulnerable.
The great mystery here is why I got so stirred up in the first place. I figure it was that lonely night leaving me vulnerable, and the adversary found an opening. It would not be the last time such a thing happened.
Somehow I managed to calm myself down enough to wait, to put everything on hold. Julie wasn't going anywhere; if, despite all, there was still something there, it would wait until after the prom. If there was nothing there, then nothing would be lost. And Mary may yet give me reason to forget Julie entirely.
I did not occur to me that there might a risk to making Mary my lifeline. I did worry that she might not say yes, or that she might not answer at all, especially as the days dragged by without an answer. I would be blindsided by what actually happened.
No comments:
Post a Comment