I waited two weeks after the prom before calling Julie to ask her out on another date. I asked her to a basketball game, but she said she was busy. It was not what she said as much as how, but I did not feel encouraged to try again at a later time. Maybe I had waited too long.
So now love is gone
I can't go on, love is gone
I want to say
Now it's just too late
Waited far too long
But life can be funny. In early May I called Julie up because I had an assignment for my photography class for an outdoor portrait. Julie agreed and we went for a walk to a park where I was able to get a few very nice shots of her. With one I caught her with her eyes closed, as if she were dreaming. We talked while we walked and all was wonderful.
Maybe it wasn't too late. Maybe there was still a chance. So I called her up a week or so later to ask her out. This time, however, instead of just saying she was busy, Julie gave me a speech about how many responsibilities she had at home. Perhaps I had just caught her at a bad time but, once more, hope was gone.
Can't stop fallin'
Heartaches callin'
Finds you after the fall
Saints or sinners
Take no prisoners
What's left after you fall
Sometime before the day of the photo shoot, a girl in one of my classes, who also knew Julie, told me that she did not think that I cared about her. Now, this girl gave me a lot of flack, almost every day, so I am not sure that I can count on her veracity. Nonetheless I found myself torn between feelings of hurt and feelings of hope.
I put away the photographs from the Junior Prom and tried not to think about her. I told myself that I would not fall for her again. It seemed that the bloom was off the rose as she did not always appear as nice as I thought she was.
I definitely made some mistakes with Julie, but she did not always help matters. The junior prom seemed to be a turning point in our friendship. Before the dance she had always been nice and friendly to me. But after the prom she seemed to alternate between hot and cold as far as I was concerned. In retrospect it is hardly surprising that I never knew where I stood with her.
You meant more to me
Than I let you see
You held on somehow
All your tenderness
And your sweet caress
I miss you now
Again, life can be funny. One day in July, I was out with "the guys" -- I was still not really one of them, but sometimes I would be with the guys in my ward -- and we were swimming in the pool at one of their houses. Later, this guy's sister gave me a ride home, and Julie, who lived across the street, was in the car. A few times I caught her looking at me . . . and was she smiling? I wrote in my journals that night, "Wow, she might still like me!" Then I wrote that while I still liked her, I did not love her anymore.
Two days later I was again writing in my journal. I had lied, I wrote, when I said that I did not love Julie. Since that ride home, she had been the only thing on my mind. But what could I do? Could I ask her to be my girl? I had tried twice to forget about her, but had failed. I did not want to do the wrong thing, but what was the right thing?
Was I still in love? Had I ever been in love? Even today I do not really know the answer to the second question, but I am certain of the answer to the first. I wrote in my journal that when I thought I hated her, I was wrong, that it was really love. But you don't respond to rejection by falling in love, and you don't talk about never letting go.
If you really love someone, then you will let them go because their happiness is more important than your own. By refusing to let go of someone who isn’t really yours in the first place you are just damaging them as well as yourself. I had very strong feelings about Julie, but they were not healthy feelings, at least not since she first turned me down for a second date.
But a headstrong stubborn man
Only works it out the best he can
Most of the time persistence is a good thing, but sometimes it is better to simply move on. After the new school year began, I asked Julie to a few football games, but each time she could not go. One day in early November I followed her home trying to work up the courage to call after her and ask her out.
Before I could get enough courage she suddenly whirled around and demanded “What is it you want? Is there something you want from me? Why are you following me?”
I immediately shot back, “I’m not following you!” and then walked on past her.
I doubt she was fooled by my attempt to pass it all off as a coincidence. I was so mad at myself for blowing it and I worried that once again I had hurt her. Once more I tried to forget about Julie. Once more it would proved to be very difficult.
Oh I say love is gone
I can't go on
Now love is gone
I want to say
But It's just too late
Waited far too long
While I tried to forget about Julie, I was trying to grow a new friendship with a girl I met in my seminary class during the second semester of my sophomore year. Mary sat behind me, and it wasn't long before I found myself intrigued by this sweet, beautiful girl.
But this time I would be more careful. This time I would build a solid friendship before I asked her out. On the one hand, maybe I was setting myself up again, but on the other hand, that simple decision, along with a decision to be more outgoing as my Junior year started, would lead to a major transformation the next fall.
Song lyrics:
"After You Fall". Journey, Cain, J. & Perry, S. (1983).
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