CSJ Weeks 13 & 14: "Slow Week" & "Discouraged"

April 13, 1988

We tracted on Thursday and Friday without much success.  Sunday was church as usual, then dinner with the ward mission leader's family.

On Monday, my companion bought a copy of Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.  He is hoping to get some ideas on how to work with members.

In the afternoon we had our interviews with President Douglas. We had to ride all the way down to Middlefield chapel which is near the south end of our area. On the way I had a small accident but suffered no injury or damage to my bike or pants or anything else. We were hopping onto the side walk on the left side of the street; I went too wide and my front tire was on the grass. I tried to get it back up onto the sidewalk, but there was a bit of a lip and I toppled over instead.

In my interview with President Douglas I said that I was really discouraged. He said that he knew Palo Alto was a rough area to start in, but he was sure things would pick up. He was just so positive that it couldn’t help but rub off on me, at least for a while.

On Tuesday we went over to Stanford again with Elders Whopper and November. We went to the memorial church and while we were there a man asked me if we were Mormons. He said that he had a friend who was looking for us. We gave him our address and phone number.

We played basketball this morning and touch football in the afternoon.

This evening, we showed the video Our Heavenly Fathers Plan to a less-active member. She wants to become active but just can’t seem to do it. We did, however, commit her to bring up the video to her neighbors.

Sorry, but it wasn't an eventful week.

--

April 20, 1988

We have been getting a lot of rain here, lately.  This has been good as the water has been needed.  There has been talk of water rationing, so every drop of rain helps.  It rained cats and dogs on Thursday, so we did not get much work done.

On Friday, I drove the elder transferred in from the Fresno mission, Elder Able, up to his radiation treatment at the Stanford Medical Center.  After that we went on team-ups -- actually, I was with Elder Able as he did a lot of shopping on University Avenue.  In the evening, I followed Elder Able on my bike as he went for a run.

On Saturday morning, we had a district breakfast and study at the zone leaders' flat.  It was a good morning.  But then, the rest of the day, we did more shopping.  You have some interesting experiences on a mission.  I love going into stores in a shirt and tie; it doesn’t take very long before someone approaches you and starts asking questions about the merchandise.  “I’m sorry,” you say, “I don’t work here.”  My personal record is four times in the same store.

One reason we did so little on Saturday was that it started raining again in the afternoon.  It was a hard rain, too.  Riding bikes in that kind of weather seems like a bad idea.

When I talked with President Douglas last week, I told him how discouraged I was with how slow things were going here.  He said that he felt things would get better in the next week.  Unfortunately, with the exception of the stake presidency, the bishopric and the ward mission leader, it does not seem that many people in this area are excited about missionary work.

At the same time, I feel like I am getting a lot of verbal abuse from the elders in this district.  Elder Able is particularly good at dishing out this kind of abuse.  During team-ups yesterday he just about drove me up the wall.  His verbal shots were incredible; I tried to counter with something but that just made things worse.

Then I was the victim of a practical joke.  On Friday we received a couple of phone calls from the mission office.  Actually, while the person on the other end of the line said they were calling from the office, I think it was really Elder November talking through tissue paper.  Whoever it was, they said that I was in for a sub-line, or special transfer.

I figured it was a joke but I was not 100 percent positive.  Anyway, they said that they would be here at 9:00 p.m. on Monday to pick me up (why so late?).  Here was the dilemma: If it wasn’t real I would be packing for nothing and falling for the joke.  But if it was real and I didn’t pack. . . .  It was a no win situation, a real catch-22.  One reason I thought it was a joke was how little information they gave.  The only thing they said was that I would be going to Seaside Apartment.  Where is that?  I was awfully nervous because the set up seemed almost too good.

When we got home from church on Sunday – we had to bike it all the way down to Middlefield chapel because the ward mission leader, who usually drives us to church, was out of town.  Anyway, when we got home, Elder Lima said that President Douglas had called to say that both of us were being transferred.  That seemed to confirm it all for me, so I started packing.  A little later Elders Whopper and November dropped by our apartment.  When they saw that I had started packing they laughed and said it was all a joke and sub-line transfer was a made up term.  I had been had.

At first I sat in my room and sulked, but then I realized that I have been taking everything – all the verbal abuse and the jokes – too seriously.  I decided that I had to lighten up and so I changed my attitude.  I went out to the living room and laughed a long with everybody else.  It seemed as though a great weight was lifted off my shoulders.

On Monday evening, we had dinner with the ward mission leader's family, after which we watched a local broadcast of the church video Our Heavenly Father's Plan.  The ward mission leader had even invited a neighbor to join us.

It rained again on Tuesday, so naturally we ended up going shopping.  This morning we played some b-ball, and then some football in the afternoon.

Transfers are next Wednesday (so soon?) and Elder Lima thinks that I will be leaving -- he was right about Fox and Golf last transfer.  To be honest, I'm ready for a change, but if the Lord wants me to stay here a little while longer, I will.  I am still discouraged, but I have been asking myself how much I have learned here.  The answer is, a lot.

CSJ Weeks 11 & 12: "Transfers" & "A New Start"

March 30, 1988

On Thursday, we gave a short Book of Mormon presentation to Leslie down on Corina. Unfortunately, we did not have a marked copy of the Book of Mormon with us, so we will have to drop one by tomorrow. I don’t know why we went all the way down there only to give her a short presentation instead of taking a little bit longer and teaching the first discussion.

On Friday, we tried to see one contact, but he was not at home.  Transfers are next week, and my trainer is convinced that he is out of here.  I guess that explains why the work has fallen off.

The Menlo Park Stake had its conference this weekend.  After the adult session on Saturday night, our ward mission leader, as he was driving us home, said that he wanted to take us out for pie.  As we were trying to think of a place to go for pie, our WML said that he had been craving Chinese food all night, then he mentioned a place called Chinese Delight, which he said his car automatically goes to everyday, and then he goes from there.  Moments later we were pulling into the parking lot and we all said "What the heck, let's do it."

Earlier in the day, Elder Golf and I rode all over our area -- some elders, a long time ago, divided the area into five subdivisions, and we went to all five -- dropping off thank you notes and trying to see contacts.  Additionally, we hopped the zone boundary to visit Golf's aunt in Mountain View.

On Sunday, we had the general session of stake conference at the Menlo Park chapel. President Douglas was in attendance and was asked to bear his testimony. Afterward we attended a baptism for a family of five. The lucky missionaries were Elders Victor and November. The whole thing was beautiful and the spirit was so strong. It fired me up so that I can’t wait until my first baptism, even more than before. That strengthened my determination to work hard.

This area has been dead since October. Golf and I have not worked very hard these past two months. I wonder how hard he worked with his previous companions. If we had worked harder and given it our all, while living the mission rules, we might have had success. But we did not give it our all and our Father in Heaven did not give us all his blessings. If Golf is transferred, I hope my new companion will be a hard worker, one that will give his all so that we can breathe life back into this area.

On Monday morning, Elders Golf and Lima had a minor bike accident. They were riding down Hamilton Avenue, which parallels University Avenue, when they saw two guys point at them and start running after them. Golf and Lima sped up to make their escape by turning right onto Hale Avenue. Golf was in the lead and was hugging the curb; he saw the cause of his demise at the last second.

At the corners of many streets in Palo Alto the sidewalk is flush with the street and underneath is a drainage culvert. Golf saw too late that he had hugged the curb too tightly, he tried to turn away but he was out of room, so he smashed into lip of the sidewalk. His back wheel flipped up and he walked his bike four steps before Lima smashed into him from behind.

Lima had heard the noise of Golf’s collision with the culvert and he thought, “No, he’s not dumb enough to hit that.” Alas, they both fell in a heap, fortunately for Golf, his arm kept his face from hitting the pavement. Neither suffered any major injuries, just bumps and bruises, their bikes, on the other hand, were not so fortunate.  Golf's front rim, which struck the culvert head on, was bent inward, a total loss; Lima’s front forks were bent out of shape. As they lay twisted on the ground, a police car pulled up and the officer asked if they were okay. Their pursuers were nowhere in sight.

Meanwhile, back at the flat, I was passing off the fourth discussion to Elder Fox. Elders Victor and November came down later and November and I passed off the fifth and sixth discussions. Tonight we went over to our ward mission leader's home and they invited us to stay for dinner. We earned our keep by teaching family home evening after dinner.

On Tuesday morning, we went to see two of our contacts, Todd and Lloyd, but neither were at home.  In the afternoon, I went with Elder Fox to see one of their contacts who had become one of ours with the ward boundary changes.  Nicholas had some questions about baptism, as taught in the second discussion; he thinks a lot and seems to be teachable.

Transfer calls came around noon.  Elder Golf is finally getting out of here; all week he has been impatient to move on.  Elder Fox is going as well; he has been called to be a zone leader in Los Gatos -- couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Last night my companion got a call from his trainer.  I was in the other room, but I could not help but overhear some of what was said.  It was no surprise to hear that he was happy to be leaving, but then he said that his last two months here had been a joke.  Yeah, that might explain why we haven't been working all that hard.  That really got to me, that he would consider my training period to be a joke.  I don't think my companion ever really accepted my quiet personality.  I love the guy, but what a jerk.

I'm sorry, I never wanted to write negative things about my companions, but, wow!  When I wrote in my journal last night, I had been in a mood to be magnanimous.  I admit that I am feeling less so today.

For the transfer, we drove Elders Golf and Fox up to Edgewood chapel in Redwood City to meet the transfer van.  This mission is small enough geographically that the mission mechanics can pick the elders up at different points in the mission and take them to other points to meet their new companions.  Golf and Fox would ride in the van, which was pulling a trailer with their luggage, south to the next zone.  My new companion got out of the van after riding south from San Fransisco (the City).

Elder Lima's new companion was not on the transfer van as he is actually being transferred in from the Fresno mission.  He was recently diagnosed with cancer and will be getting radiation treatments at the Stanford Medical Center.  We took my new comp, Elder Lake [as usual, names have been changed to protect the innocent -- it may have been obvious that I have been using the phonetic alphabet, but I couldn't have two Elder Limas] back to the flat so he could unpack, then we went to get a pizza before returning to Edgewood chapel to pick up Elder Lima's new comp.

When we got the pizza I noticed that Golf had left a note in my wallet reminding me that I still owed him a few bucks from a previous pizza purchase -- I had also found a note in my closet.  I was surprised that he hadn't talked to me personally.  There were a few times during the last two months that he gave me the "silent treatment"; I guess he wanted to see how I would like it -- it was not a particularly effective approach.

Enough about my trainer.  I've got a new comp, who seems like a good guy, and a chance to start over.  Life is good.

--

As I wrote a few weeks ago, around Christmas time I got a card from my trainer in which he thanked me for everything he learned during our two months together, and also that we sat together at lunch during the mission Christmas conference.  To this day we are still friends.  I want to add that, during those two months, he was sick a lot, so the lack of hard work was not all the result of his attitude at the time.  After few weeks in his new area he had another bike accident, this time it was because he simply passed out while riding.  It appeared that he was dealing with some persistent virus -- like Mono, or something.  A few years after my mission I had a case of Mono that left me feeling fatigued for 15 months, so I can imagine what he might have been struggling with.

---

April 6, 1988

This has been an interesting week.  On Thursday and Friday, we worked hard; we went around and checked on some part-member families, finding almost no one home, so we did some serious phone contacting Friday night.  We were able to set up a few appointments.

On Saturday and Sunday, we attended General Conference at the stake center.  Sitting in the chapel, dressed in Sunday best, made conference so much more special.

On Monday, we went on team-ups with the elders in Menlo Park -- actually, we went over to the Stanford bookstore before going up to the top of Hoover Tower and then visiting the Memorial Church.  We did find someone to chat with about the church, so my new comp is calling it pros-time [proselyting time].  I thought it was a waste.

We had a spiritual experience on Tuesday.  When I picked the streets we were going to tract, I prayed that the Spirit would guide me in my choices; I prayed that I would pick the streets that Heavenly Father wanted me to pick, a street where one of his sheep was ready for us to stop by.  After much prayer and consideration, I picked two streets and we headed out the door.

We stopped at the first street I had picked and locked up our bikes.  There was no interest at the first door, no one home at the second, but at the third this teenage girl answered.  Elder Lake gave the approach, "We're sharing a message about Jesus Christ today and if you have 15-20 minutes, we were wondering if we could come in and share that message with you?"  The girl replied, "Uh . . . yeah . . . I guess."

So in we went, and we taught most of the first discussion.  We talked mainly about the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith.  The girl seemed to be interested in what we had to say, but she said that she would have to talk to her parents about it first.  We had a closing prayer and gave her a pamphlet dealing with our Heavenly Father's plan for us, as well as a copy of the Book of Mormon.

We finished tracting that street, but no one else who was at home was interested.  We then went back to the flat for lunch.  But that is the only way to tract, by the Spirit.

After lunch, we went to see Leslie down on Corina.  We talked with her and gave her (finally!) a copy of the Book of Mormon.  Then we went and tracted the second street I had picked that morning.  That street didn't turn out as well as the first; we ran into a born-again Christian and had a near-bashing situation.  After that we went to see Lloyd; he was at home and we were able to commit him to hearing a discussion of Friday.  Things may be looking up.

This morning we went and played basketball at the stake center.  We had a few serious, physical games; I ended up on the floor a few times and banged up my left leg a bit.  After basketball, we went over to the Menlo Park apartment with Elders Whopper and November.  As we were sitting around, talking, there was a knock on the door.  Some J-dubs had knocked on the landlord's door, and he brought them back to chat with us.

At first, we pretended to be Stanford students -- we were still in our sweats and street clothes.  One of the other three elders, as part of our pretending, asked if they were Mormons; they said that they were not, of course, and then proceeded to rip on the church.  They said that Mormons believed that Jesus was God and that Mormons believed in the Holy Trinity; they also said that Mormons did not believe in the Bible.

Going along with the ruse, for the moment, I pretended that I had talked with some Mormon missionaries recently and said that they had told me that they believed in God the Father, the Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.  One of them interrupted me to say that Mormons believed no such thing and, in any case, God and the Holy Ghost are one and the same.

It was at this point that we confessed that we were, in fact, Mormon missionaries.  I said that just yesterday, we had been out tracting and that I had had my Bible with me.  The J-dubs said again that we didn't believe in the Bible.  I picked up a copy of the Bible from a nearby table and turned to John 15:26:

"But when the Comforter is come, whom I will send unto you from the Father, even the Spirit of truth, which proceedeth from the Father, he shall testify of me."

One of the J-dubs, likely the senior of the two, countered by saying that God and the Holy Ghost are the same person and that the Spirit is only the force used by God.  I flipped back to John 14:26:

"But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you" (emphasis added).

"Whom" would denote a separate person.  The J-dub pulled our her New World Translation, which changed "whom" to "which".  Now, I wasn't trying to bash, just present a scripture to support my beliefs [that's what I told myself, anyway].  I was trying to steer the discussion into the Joseph Smith story, but darn if they didn't keep on interrupting me.  The other three elders, my comp included, were no help -- they were trying to bash.

A discussion of competing translations got us briefly back to John 14:26, but from there all control was lost.  The senior J-dub continued to tell me that we didn't believe in the Bible, so I turned the copy I was holding so that she could see the spine, "See, The Holy Bible, King James Version."  I said it three times!

Eventually, the J-dubs decided to leave, and as they did so they parted with: "When the day of destruction arrives and Jehovah is come, and you are destroyed, just remember, we warned you!"  I shot right back, "And you just remember, we warned you."  Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Then they ran into the landlord, who said to them that he once looked into the J-dub faith.  Well, that got a reaction as they quickly condemned him to hell!

The whole experience was rather educational.  First, there is just no talking to J-dubs and, second, love and sincerity is where it is at.  Their whole attitude and approach were completely wrong, calling us to repentance and telling us over and over that we did not believe what we said we believed.  That's just not how you spread a message, whether you're a J-dub or an LDS missionary [you cannot antagonize and influence at the same time].  Instead, you should use love and sincerity.  We do not have the power to prove our words, that is the job of the Holy Ghost (may the Force be with you!).  If your message is truly from God, then you have no need to tear down the other person's beliefs.

 After all the excitement, the landlord, a member, took the four of us on a drive to San Gregorio Beach, on the Pacific side of the peninsula.  I love the ocean.

As I said, it was an interesting week.

CSJ Weeks 9 & 10: "Sweet & Sour" & "Slowly but Surely"

March 16, 1988

Things may be looking up.  Yesterday, we committed one of our investigators to hear a discussion on Friday.  Finally!  I'll get a chance to teach a discussion.

Last Wednesday night we had President and Sister Douglas up for dinner; we fixed sweet and sour chicken and cashew chicken.  It was great.  We got the idea after an apartment dinner where we made the first dish in our wok.  It turned out great and we thought, "Hey, let's invite President and Sister Douglas!"

The week before the dinner, we sent a menu to our mission president who, apparently, hates broccoli with a passion.  Everything on the menu we sent had broccoli in it, to include items like sparkling broccoli cider, broccoli sherbet and cream of broccoli soup.  When Sister Douglas handed President Douglas our fake menu she said "Here honey, look what we're eating."  He looked at it and said "I don't believe it!"  She then let him off the hook.  They both thought it was funny are are going to put the fake menu in their scrapbook.  They thought the real menu was great, too.

The next day we had my first zone conference up in San Mateo, at the Hillsdale chapel.  One thing that was talked about was the idea of expressing love on door approaches.  The last couple of days we have tried that, and it is hard.  Love is an important part of being bold or, rather, if you are not loving, you are not only being bold but you are being overbearing.  If you are overbearing you have no right to be heard.

President Douglas spoke about the mission goal for 100 baptisms a month.  Last month we had close to 80, the month before that we had 60.  He said that 100 baptisms should be a minimum, but we have yet to reach it.  He then made an analogy of a baseball player who has hit a home run; he knows he can hit home runs and so he won't try for just a base hit; he will go for the home run because he know he can hit them.

The conference ended with a testimony meeting which was powerful.  A few days earlier I had gotten my hair cut by a member; she asked me how I wanted it and I said, “shorter,” and she then gave me a buzz cut. Some of the missionaries at the conference made comments, so when I got up to bear my testimony I said, “About the haircut, I only asked for a trim.” The whole room erupted in laughter. I can still see Elder Fox's face as he busted up laughing and, of course, President Douglas laughed the loudest.

On Friday and Saturday, my comp was sick, this time with the flu.  On Friday morning I went out with Elder Fox, and we came very close to teaching a first discussion to one of his and Elder Lima's contacts; unfortunately, she was busy cleaning her house, so it didn't happen.  So close, yet so far.

At lunch the zone leaders came and down and we finished off the leftovers of the sweet and sour chicken and cashew chicken.  In the afternoon, I studied.  I studied all day on Saturday.

We got out tracting on Monday morning.  In the afternoon we had an appointment with Fay.  She had read the first scriptures marked in the copy of the Book of Mormon we had given her, up to about page 65.  She thinks it is all a bit like the Old Testament.  She said that she is not interested in changing her religion as she is happy being a Midianite.

Fay is incredibly busy as a midwife, particularly this time of year, but we set up a return appointment for the middle of April.  We are praying that the Book of Mormon will really get to her.  She said that she believes it is true, that she has no problem with it.  Midianites, apparently, believe in continual revelation, too.  We are praying that as she reads the Book of Mormon that it will touch her heart.

On Tuesday we went on team-ups with Elders Fox and Lima.  Fox and I tracted a street that used to be in our area, but is now in theirs.  We got one call back.

This morning we had a zone activity.  We had breakfast at the stake center on Valparaiso Ave. in Menlo Park, and then had a car wash.  After that, we went to a park and played a game of capture the flag, which was fun.

After that the four of us went "thrifting".  There are quite a lot of thrift stores here and a favorite pastime of missionaries in this mission is to go "thrifting."  I found a suit for $12, that almost fits, but it could use some alterations.  A suit bought at a thrift store is called a "thrifter," and a lot of the elders out here have at least one.

---

March 23, 1988

On Thursday morning, we were out on our way to see one of our contacts and we saw some Jehovah's Witnesses, who also happened to be out and about.  Our contact was not at home, and on our way to our next stop we spotted the JWs talking to one of our ward members, so we circled back to bail him out.  As we walked up to his doorstep he was saying, “I don’t know of a scripture that supports my beliefs but I’m sure there is one.”  Then he saw us, “And I’ll give you two Mormon Missionaries.”  They turned around and just freaked out when they saw us.  "No, no," one said, "we don't want to talk with Mormon elders."  They gave us and the member a pamphlet and beat a hasty retreat.

On Friday, we had a teaching appointment set with Lloyd, our only investigator.  We showed him the video How Rare a Possession, but didn't teach him a discussion.  As we watched the video the spirit was very strong, and I prayed in my heart that Lloyd would feel it.  I don't think that I have ever prayed as hard for someone as I did then.  I wanted so much for Lloyd to feel the spirit.

Before we started the video, he told us that he was Catholic and would probably stay that way.  He just likes to have us come by and talk with him and he's not really very interested in changing.  He hasn't read any of the passages marked in the copy of the Book of Mormon that we gave him.  He was recently in the hospital for a heart operation, so this was the first time I met him.

Also on Friday, I finished reading the Book of Mormon for the third time, the first time on my mission.

On Saturday, we went on team-ups with the assistants to the president.  Elder Baker and I tracted a street without success.  We did talk to a physically handicapped individual -- he had been in a drunk driving auto accident.  We told him that his body would be made whole in the resurrection.  His response was that Christ was dead, which is his problem with Christianity.  We testified to him that the Savior lives.

In the afternoon, Elder Golf and I stopped by to see a graduate student that he and his last companion had tracted into.  He had read the passages in the marked Book of Mormon he had been given, but to him it seemed more like a novel than scripture.  He confessed that he had had so many things going on that he couldn’t get into the proper frame of mind.  We encouraged him, when school is out, to sit down as read the Book of Mormon when nothing is really going on.

On Sunday, we had a dinner appointment after church, it was good.  I studied in the morning and started reading Truth Restored.  In sacrament meeting we had another homecoming, this time for a son of one of the counselors in the bishopric.  We had a good discussion in Gospel Essentials class during Sunday school.

We didn’t get any work done on Monday.  Elders Golf and Lima were busy filming videos that they are going to send home.  Golf made a huge, staged mess in the kitchen and living room and then came out with the video camera and complained about the geek who had messed up the apartment.  Naturally, he had to clean up after he finished filming.

I finished reading Truth Restored, it is a short book, but it was great.  I loved it; it gave me such a sweet feeling that is hard to describe.  I felt so much empathy for those early saints, and great joy as they rose above their trials.  I also got a little homesick reading about the church in the Salt Lake Valley.

On Tuesday afternoon, as we were heading out, a man waved us down.  He told that that he had been fishing down in Santa Cruz, when some men stole his wallet and siphoned his gas, leaving him just enough fuel to get as far as East Palo Alto.  He needed some money in order to get enough gas to get to his home in Concord.  I gave him seven dollars, which he said that he would pay back, and we did give him our address, but I wasn't really concerned with the money.  It felt good to help out, and who knows, maybe we planted a seed.

As we were talking, this fellow told us that he had concluded a year ago that there is a God.  This happened when his wife ended their marriage.  Since then, he has been getting into religion just a little.

After talking to this man, we headed off to see a contact, only to find that he was not at home.  Then we took a long bike ride down to Corina to see Leslie, a lady that we had tracted into a few weeks ago.  She was busy, so we gave her some pamphlets.  Slowly but surely; slow and steady wins the race.

Today, we spent a few hours driving around Palo Alto with Elders Fox and Lima.  Golf, Fox and Lima are making videos to send home, and we hit all the sights in East Palo Alto, Palo Alto and on the Standford campus.  Each time we have gone over Highway 101 into East Palo Alto, Fox has done his airline captain routine and asked us to roll up the windows and lock the doors.  All over downtown Palo Alto are some clever and even humorous murals.

It was kind of a waste of a good P-day, though I did get some good photos.  I think this video making has also been a distraction from the work that last few days.

After Prom: Paragon

As I first referred to Mary as the heartbreaker, I first referred to Evelyn as the paragon.  Like Mary, she, too, was an angel; if she was a paragon, it would have been for reasons that were, at least mostly, my fault.  I have written before that I put the friends I made in high school up on pedestals; they had to be special, you see, because I was certain that I was not.  I set four of my friends above the others, and Evelyn was one of those four.

During the summer after graduation, I talked with Evelyn a few times, and it seemed that we were becoming closer as friends.  Also, that summer, I was attending a missionary prep program in my stake, and I started my first job, working as a shipping clerk for a small publishing company.  In August I was becoming more and more discouraged; I couldn't seem to do anything right in the prep classes, and I experienced some difficult days at work.  I think I was experiencing some opposition as the adversary tried to discourage me from serving a mission.

One Sunday in August I was sitting in the kitchen in my home, feeling as if the world were closing in around me.  Suddenly I jumped up, went out to the family car, and drove up to Evelyn's house.  I had but one question on my mind, did she love me?  I am sure I meant that as a friend, but she would not have known that.  As it turned out, she was not at home.

A few months later, after receiving my mission call, I was organizing my farewell.  I asked two friends to speak in that meeting, John and Evelyn.  Asking a friend to speak at your farewell is a little unusual, but if that friend is a girl, it is potentially awkward -- asking girls to sing is more traditional.  It did not occur to me that those attending the meeting might think certain things regarding the girl I asked to speak.

Fast forward another few months.  I was now in my first area, experiencing some adversity with my companions and an area where the work was extremely slow -- and the girl who said she would write me took a couple of months to send that first letter.  In my discouragement, I reached out to some friends back home, and one of the letters I sent was to Evelyn.  After a few weeks without a reply, I wrote a second letter.  In one of those letters I wrote about that Sunday in August and the question, did she love me?  In another I wrote that I questioned the friendship I had received.

The second letter got a response, but not the one I was hoping for.  Evelyn wrote that she wanted to be helpful but that she felt I needed to understand a few things.  Some of what she wrote I needed to hear, but there were other things that served to make me even more self conscious.  I had felt that I lacked some social skills, but now it seemed that I was even more socially clueless than I had realized.  I clearly did not understand the meaning of love, or the power of the word, and while I may not have received the love I needed growing up, I could not push that onto other people -- you certainly cannot ask a girl if she loves you.

To a certain extent I was being self-centered, but I bristled at the suggestion that I expected people to cater to me.  The only thing I wanted from my missionary companions was hard work, which was exactly what we were not doing.  I was there to work, but I was at the mercy first of my trainer and then of my second companion, who was senior to me, who found reasons not to work.  I found that I could not apply the remedy of forgetting myself and going to work.

I bristled, also, at the idea that I did not understand the meaning of love. After all, what little had I been doing out there, I had been trying to do out of love -- everything a missionary does in the mission field should be out of love.  I started writing a reply and when I had finished I had put ink on twelve pages.  Alas, Evelyn, like Julie, had been right; I had not been in love with Julie and I did not understand the meaning of love or the power of the word.

Still, Evelyn gave me some of the best advice I ever received.  Everyone has down times, everyone experiences feelings of inadequacy, but we are the master of our own soul.  We have the power to choose how we feel, and we should choose to be confident instead of discouraged.  Also, even if we don't feel great when someone ask us how we are doing, we should still say that we are great, and if we do it enough, our brain might get the hint -- in other words, fake it until you make it.

It can be easy to find fault and weakness in others, and when they ask for our help, it may seem like a good idea to inform them of our findings.  There may be cases where this is appropriate, especially if the individual asks for complete, brutal honesty, but in most cases we may do more harm than good, despite our best intentions.  I do not say this to criticize Evelyn; maybe she didn't need to write some of the things she did, but I did not have to internalize them in the way that I did.

I felt, at the time, that her letter was a slap upside that head that I needed, and over the next few years, any time I felt I needed another head slap, I would pull out that letter.  That was my mistake, not Evelyn's; that is how she became the paragon, and it served to magnify the feelings I had in high school about my friends.  They were cool, they were special, and I was anything but those things.  I was quiet, plain, even socially inept, and I had many other weaknesses.

I learned a lot on my mission, and when I came home I wanted show my friends, including, and perhaps especially, Evelyn that I had changed.  Instead, I found myself being unsure of how to act around my friends, afraid of being the same socially inept kid I perceived myself to be in high school.  I was afraid to simply be myself because, whoever that was, had been so deeply flawed.

At the same time, it seemed as if the world I returned home to had changed.  In many ways that world seemed to resemble life before high school, when I had few friends.  Part of growing up is moving on; friends go their separate ways after high school, people move from place to place and from job to job.  Even so, I expected a warmer greeting upon my return than I felt I ended up getting.

Making and keeping friends does not get any easier as we get older.  In some ways it becomes more difficult.  High school is a unique place, and what works there does not always work in other areas of life.

A few years ago an old friend joined a social media website, and when I reached out, they blocked me.  As hard as that was, it did serve one purpose in showing me that at least some of my friends were not quite as special as I thought they were.  In realizing that, it allowed me to also discover that there had been something special about me.  I finally took all my friends, including Evelyn, down from the pedestals I had placed them on.

Only then could I truly understand that God did not just give weaknesses to me, but to everyone.  He gives us weaknesses that we might be humble, and if we humble ourselves before him and exercise faith in him, he will make weak things become strong, because his grace is sufficient.  Yes, I had weaknesses, but so did my friends, and if, with their weaknesses, they could be special, then so could I.

CSJ Weeks 7 & 8: "It Gets Better or Worse" & "Conflict"

March 2, 1988

We just had a slow week.  My comp was feeling sick and it rained a lot.  It's too dangerous to ride our bikes when it rains, that's what my comp tells me.  We got out on Saturday morning to deliver thank you notes and do some follow up on some contacts.  We dropped off a pamphlet to a lady who had inquired about our family home evening program.

On Sunday, we had a DA at the Branson's.  They made us earn our food by telling them our most spiritual experiences on our mission.  They excluded MTC experiences so, having been out here just a few weeks, I had few experiences to choose from.  The best I could come up with was how strong the spirit was the other day as I was reading Helaman chapter 5 -- I don't think they were impressed.

At church, the bishop's son had his homecoming -- he just got back from the New York, New York City Mission.  In Gospel Essentials class I taught the lesson because the regular teacher was out of town.  I literally tore apart Ephesians chapter 6 about the armor of God.  The ward mission leader said I did a good job.

On Monday, my comp was sick.  On Tuesday, my comp was sick.  He's had a cold for about a month and a half now.  On Tuesday morning we gave him a blessing -- hm, that's the second comp in row who has needed a blessing.  Maybe its the curse of being my companion -- ha, ha.

This morning, Elder Fox and I went over the bridge and down Newell to the library, while my comp and Elder Lima went to get haircuts.  At the library I, of course, went looking for the World War II history books -- and I found a gold mine of books!  Seriously, this library puts the Bountiful library to shame.  We ended up spending three hours at the library, and I had a blast looking at some books I have been searching years for.  I'll probably never find those books in Utah.

I just wrote a letter to a friend who should have gotten his call by now.  Basically, I told him that a mission is challenge after challenge and trial after trial.  By overcoming these challenges and trials, and using them as stepping stones, we grow and return two years later as men.

I wrote my friend about something my present companion told me about -- a friend of his who left the MTC after only one week.  Another friend, who had come home from his mission after just one year, told this guy that if he didn't like his first week to go home because it doesn't get any better.  My reaction was to recall something Geoff said many times in missionary prep: "It gets better or worse depending on your attitude."

Trials will come, that is what a mission is.  I wrote my friend: "If you went home early, think of all the people you would let down: your parents, your brothers who have served successful missions, your friends, your friends who are presently serving or are preparing to serve, your ancestors, Jesus Christ, your Father in heaven, and many others."

More than a few times, when it has been tough out here, I have had thoughts about going home early, but then I said: "How could I ever look dad and Geoff in the eye."  There is no way.  Then I read Alma chapter 38.  Alma the younger was counseling his son Shiblon.  In verses 3-5 we read that Shiblon was bound and even stoned while he was serving his mission to the Zoramites.  Shiblon overcame his trials, bearing them with patience, and was greatly blessed as a result.

I told my friend about the trials I had with my MTC comp.  "But I learned from that," I wrote.  I told him about the the trials I have faced with my present comp.  "But I am learning from it."

I am sure that my friend didn't need to read all of this; I am sure that he knew it already.  But how true it all is, and this way, no one will lead him astray.  Not that there is any chance of that happening.

One of my zone leaders told me that if we look back and work hard, the time will fly, but if we look ahead, working sort of hard, counting the days, the time will only crawl by.  If we work hard, looking back, amazed at how fast our mission is going, by the end of two years we won't want to go home.  That is a successful mission.

Well, life is great!  All smiles!  Truth will prevail.

--

March 9, 1988

It has been an interesting week.  On Thursday at our district meeting our zone leaders said we were filing out our presidents letters incorrectly.  This led to some contention between my comp and one of the zone leaders.  On Friday we called the office about an unrelated subject, but while on the line we asked the finance clerk about the letters.  The way the finance clerk explained it, my comp thought he was vindicated, but he apparently misunderstood.  Thinking "we" were right, "we" called the zonies and left a message on their answering machine.

The zone leaders called the mission office secretary, who happened to be the one who designed the letters, and he said the zone leaders were right. The zonies then called us to pass the word; while one of the zone leaders talked with our district leader, my comp got a little bit obnoxious, and was loud enough that the zonie must have heard him. The finance clerk subsequently called me on another matter -- a question on my rent check.  Before giving me the phone, my comp said that the secretary disagreed with what the finance clerk had told us.  Ten minutes after talking to me, the finance clerk called back to say that my comp had misunderstood and that the zone leaders were correct.

I have to say that I was turned off by my comp's attitude.  He was mad at the zone leader for not admitting that he was wrong, but how can you admit that you are wrong when you are not?  Maybe it doesn't help that I like the zonie, I think he is a cool guy.  Well, with the controversy settled, things calmed down a bit.

Just in time from another controversy.  On Sunday, the ward boundaries were changed and a new ward was formed.  In the process, we lost a part of our area and two investigators to the Palo Alto First Ward.  We weren't the only ones to lose investigators, everybody was affected, and this led to some more contention in the district.

The Elders in the Menlo Park First Ward have three baptisms scheduled, but they are now in the Menlo Park Third Ward.  The senior comp in that ward is a bit of a go-getter -- his brother was an A.P. on his mission and he has this idea that he will be a failure unless he also makes A.P.  Naturally, he is more than a little concerned with numbers and he is lobbying to stay in the MP 1st.  My comp, and the district leader and his comp in fact, are pretty mad at this, but I could care less.  Rather, I am bothered by all of the contention.

I have to go back to Thursday, when my comp and I had an apartment inventory with the district leader and his comp.  I raised the issue of my quiet personality and asked if it was a problem.  My comp immediately laid into me, ripping me from one side to the other.  The first thing he said was that if I didn't talk to the members, and if I am quiet, they will think that I am not excited about the gospel and don't want to teach, and they won't want me to teach their friends.  What a load of rubbish.

Next, my comp said that if I don't love myself that I am sinning.  I don't understand what that has to do with anything, my personality is what it is, it doesn't mean that I don't love myself.  Though I do have to admit that I have often struggled with doubts about myself.

When almost everyone you know, it seems, treats you like trash, your self esteem can be so low as to make it rather easy to hate yourself, and I have done far worse than that.  [There were a few occasions when I thought that God hated me, and I considered that to be worse.]  When your self esteem is that low, you're not in the proper frame of mind, and I think the Lord takes that into account.

My comp went on to say that you have got to think you are the greatest person in the world.  While it is important to love yourself, and perhaps even have some pride in yourself, I think he was taking it a bit too far.  To think that we are the greatest person in the world would seem to be getting into the area of false pride.  Now, maybe I'm taking what he said the wrong way, we do need to think that we are great, but not the greatest person in the world.

I don't mean to say anything bad about my comp.  Since the apartment inventory, things have been much better, and we seem to be communicating better.  In response I kept stressing that I could only do the best that I could, that they should not expect too much from me because I can't give more than I am able to.

We did some tracting on Saturday and did find another contact.

We are working with the ward mission leader on a better way to work through the members and to get them more excited about missionary work.  We have been stressing 1 Nephi 7:4 (Nephi and his brother gained favor in the sight of Ishmael) and are working on a five step plan.  We have member progress sheets and everything.  We would like to set up a member missionary class, but the bishop said that there are too many Sunday School classes as it is.

Well, that's basically it.  Life is good.

Love
Douglas

--

Several months after this letter, President Ezra Taft Benson gave his well known conference talk, "Beware of Pride." (see: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng)  I believe it was one of the last talks was gave at a general conference.  Whether this talk had anything to do with subsequent events, I do not know, but at Christmas time that year I got a card from my trainer expressing thanks for what he had learned while we were together, and then at the Christmas conference of the mission, he and his comp sat at lunch with my comp and I.  We became friends and have remained so.

President Benson warned that "Pride is the universal sin, the great vice. Yes, pride is the universal sin, the great vice."  He then said that "The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness.  It is the broken heart and contrite spirit."  He then quoted the poet, Rudyard Kipling: 

The tumult and the shouting dies;

The captains and the kings depart.
Still stands thine ancient sacrifice,
An humble and a contrite heart. 
Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet,
Lest we forget, lest we forget.

"To Solve All the World’s Ills, Cure All the Hatred, and Mend Every Wound"

On April 24, 2015, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, the Second Counselor in the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, gave the keynote speech at the inaugural John A. Widtsoe Symposium at the University of Southern California in Los Angeles.

President Uchtdorf related the experience he and his wife had in visiting Auschwitz, the concentration camp where millions of Jews were murdered as part of Adolf Hitler's "Final Solution."

"One cannot visit such a place without coming away from it changed," the LDS Church leader said.  Later he added that, "As Harriet and I walked away from that place that has been hallowed by the blood of so many innocents, we felt changed. We were different.  We had learned and relearned important lessons that we must never forget."

President Uchtdorf discussed the thoroughness with with the history of the Holocaust is taught in German schools, so that its cruelty and inhumanity is fully understood.  Thus, he was not surprised by what he saw on his visit to the death camp, yet, at the same time, he found it to be incomprehensible.

"How could anyone be so heartless and beyond feeling that they would do something like this," he asked. "Who but a demon could do such evil?"

President Uchtdorf focused for a moment on the commandant of Auschwitz, Rudolf Höss, who had been raised in a strict, religious family.  Entering adulthood, Höss turned his back on his father's hopes that he would enter the priesthood, opting instead for politics.

"Rudolf Höss described himself as 'gentle, good-natured, and very helpful'," noted President Uchtdorf.  "His daughter remembers him as 'the nicest man in the world.' Later, at Nuremberg, his defense rested on the fact that he was only following orders—that he was doing his duty.  Rudolf Höss supervised the murders of perhaps millions of people."

The LDS Church leader then brought the subject closer to home.  "The first Jews to be executed at Auschwitz were from Upper Silesia," he said.  "I was born in Ostrava, not far from Upper Silesia. I am troubled to know that at the very time when I was taking my first steps, not far from my hometown, soldiers from the Gestapo were rounding up terrified families and transporting them in railroad cars to that horrible place where they were destined to take their final steps.

"Although I was only a small child during the war, I still recognize that the actions of my people affected me and the entire world. They left an inexpressible sorrow and an inextinguishable agony that is still felt to this day throughout the world."

President Uchtdorf then discussed three insights that "forcibly" entered his heart during that visit to Auschwitz:

1. We Hate Those We Do Not Really Know
2. We Must Speak Up
3. Divine Love is the Answer

"I am convinced that one of the major reasons these atrocities happened is because it is human nature to be suspicious, envious, distrustful, and even hateful of those we do not really know," said President Uchtdorf.  "I suppose we are all guilty of this to one extent or another. Do we really know even our neighbors and colleagues -- people we greet daily? It is one of the most disconcerting qualities of being human to distrust or dislike those who are different from us in a variety of elements.  The great tragedy is that if only we could take the time to truly know a person, we would discover that perhaps we are not so different after all.  He who once was our enemy can become our friend."

Regarding the second insight, President Uchtdorf, a former pilot, used an example from aviation history.  In 1990, an airliner crashed because not one member of its crew spoke out about the aircraft's dwindling fuel state as it circled, waiting its turn to enter the landing pattern.  Then he said:

"In a world where intolerance, meanness, and hatred are so easily accessible, we have a responsibility to speak up and defend what is good and right. We have all heard the profound statement attributed to Edmund Burke: 'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.'

"This applies to us today. We have a responsibility to speak up for goodness, for virtue, for kindness and understanding. We have an obligation to defend the weak and stand up for the downtrodden.  In this age, perhaps more than any other since the beginning of time, we are exposed to bullies and braggarts—people who belittle others and preen themselves in prideful arrogance.

"We can and must stand and let our voices be heard. We don’t need to be provocative or belittling, but we must not allow our fears to prevent us from lifting our voices in defense of what is right and good and true."

Finally, President Uchtdorf spoke about the "one virtue -- one quality" that he believes could "solve all the world’s ills, cure all the hatred, and mend every wound":

"If we only learned to love God as our Father in Heaven, this would give us purpose in life.  If we only learned to love our fellowman as our brothers and sisters, this would give us compassion

"After all, these are God’s great commandments -- to love God and to love our fellowman.  If we distill religion down to its essence, we nearly always recognize that love is not merely the goal of religion, it is also the path of true discipleship. It is both the journey and the destination.

"If we love as Christ loved, if we truly follow the path He practiced and preached, there is a chance for us to avoid the echoing tragedies of history and the seemingly unavoidable fatal flaws of man.

"Will compassion for others bring light into the darkness? Will it allow us to part the clouds and see clearly?

"Yes. For though we are all born blind, through the Light of Christ we can see past darkness and illusion and understand things as they really are."

President Uchtdorf concluded by saying, " It is my hope that we will look past our differences and, instead, see each other with eyes that recognize who we truly are -- fellow travelers, brothers and sisters, pilgrims walking the same path that leads to becoming more enlightened and more refined, as our Father in Heaven intends us to become."

I have linked to a transcript of President Uchtdorf's talk below and highly recommend that it be read in full.


--

Uchtdorf, D. (2015). "Fellow Travelers, Brothers and Sisters, Children of God". Accessed September 1, 2017 at https://www.lds.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/fellow-travelers-brothers-and-sisters-children-of-god?lang=eng

CSJ Weeks 5 & 6: Getting in the Door & Tough Week

February 17, 1988

I got in my first door last Friday and placed a Book of Mormon.  It was my door and after giving my approach, he asked how long it would take.  I said 10 minutes and he invited us in.  We told him about the Book of Mormon and asked him if he would read it.  He said yes.  I was so psyched after that.

On Monday we got in my second door.  It was my door again, but nothing I said got us in.  It was a Chinese gentleman in his fifties; he let us in after we identified ourselves.  He is over here from Shanghai, going to Stanford.  He is a doctor and he leaves to return to China in three months.  We are going to take him a Chinese copy of the Book of Mormon on Sunday.  We'll probably take Br. Gong, a ward member from China, with us.

We had a zone activity today; we went up into the hills behind Portola Valley to a place called Rolling Hills.  From there we could see the blue of the Pacific Ocean to the west, and much of the Bay Area to the east, from San Jose all the way up to San Francisco.  We had a picnic and then a few of us played some touch football., it was a blast.

This zone is the greatest, not to mention the smallest.  It is really just a super district as there are only 14 of us.

I've had a couple of DAs since I got here, so my diet isn't suffering too badly.  The trouble is, I don't know what kind of food to buy.  Breakfast and lunch are okay, but I am lost when it comes to dinner.

Well, that is about all the exciting stuff happening in Palo Alto.  All the kids in our apartment complex think we are Stanford students.

--


February 24, 1988

It was another hard week; didn't get in any doors and we've got no on to teach.  One investigator is in the hospital and another is in the orient for three weeks on vacation; two others we cannot get a hold of, they're dogging us.

Today we toured Stanford University, it was great.  We went all over the campus and I got some good photos.

On Monday morning, we were getting ready to go out when, suddenly, I got the feeling that my companion was avoiding me.  I walked into the living room and he got up real quick and left the room.  He was in a bad mood all morning and hardly said a word, which was quite unlike him.

Then our zone leaders popped in for a visit.  One of them spoke with my companion, while the other stayed in the living room and chatted with me and my other flatmates.  It was a cool chat; Elder Baker is very knowledgeable, another McConkie, he really seems to get in to him.

The zone leaders left, but my comp stayed in the bedroom for a while.  We finally got out in the afternoon, going on team-ups with Fox and Lima.  Fox and I tracted, but without success.  We were out on the edge of our area, near Los Altos Hills, and we had to walk up some steep hills.

Anyway, nothing against Elder Golf, he is a good guy.  But he has said that of the four comps he's had since coming out, three have been bad -- the only good one was his trainer.  I worry sometimes that I might be another bad companion because I have a hard time making conversation.  I feel like I'm doing the best I can, and I do try to take opportunities to talk, but it is hard.  I get too scared sometimes to ask him things that I think I really should ask him.  I guess I'm afraid of what he'll think of me.  It looks like I've still got some of that inferiority complex.

I hope he doesn't give up on the companionship like my MTC comp did.  If he does, this companionship is history.  All I can do is the best I can, but I don't think it's good enough.

I just finished reading Drawing on the Powers of Heaven, what a great book.  I got a lot out of it -- loved it!

On Sunday, at a DA, I tried eggplant (what? I tried something new?).  It was good.  They served us omelettes with eggplant and some other stuff.

Tomorrow we have a follow up appointment on a lady we tracted into.  She lives next door to the guy who was the first door I got into.  She was busy when we first knocked on her door; we stopped by last Tuesday, but she was still quite busy.  Then she went out of town, but will be back tonight.  She is a Midonite, but she seems like she might be interested.