CSJ Weeks 5 & 6: Getting in the Door & Tough Week

February 17, 1988

I got in my first door last Friday and placed a Book of Mormon.  It was my door and after giving my approach, he asked how long it would take.  I said 10 minutes and he invited us in.  We told him about the Book of Mormon and asked him if he would read it.  He said yes.  I was so psyched after that.

On Monday we got in my second door.  It was my door again, but nothing I said got us in.  It was a Chinese gentleman in his fifties; he let us in after we identified ourselves.  He is over here from Shanghai, going to Stanford.  He is a doctor and he leaves to return to China in three months.  We are going to take him a Chinese copy of the Book of Mormon on Sunday.  We'll probably take Br. Gong, a ward member from China, with us.

We had a zone activity today; we went up into the hills behind Portola Valley to a place called Rolling Hills.  From there we could see the blue of the Pacific Ocean to the west, and much of the Bay Area to the east, from San Jose all the way up to San Francisco.  We had a picnic and then a few of us played some touch football., it was a blast.

This zone is the greatest, not to mention the smallest.  It is really just a super district as there are only 14 of us.

I've had a couple of DAs since I got here, so my diet isn't suffering too badly.  The trouble is, I don't know what kind of food to buy.  Breakfast and lunch are okay, but I am lost when it comes to dinner.

Well, that is about all the exciting stuff happening in Palo Alto.  All the kids in our apartment complex think we are Stanford students.

--


February 24, 1988

It was another hard week; didn't get in any doors and we've got no on to teach.  One investigator is in the hospital and another is in the orient for three weeks on vacation; two others we cannot get a hold of, they're dogging us.

Today we toured Stanford University, it was great.  We went all over the campus and I got some good photos.

On Monday morning, we were getting ready to go out when, suddenly, I got the feeling that my companion was avoiding me.  I walked into the living room and he got up real quick and left the room.  He was in a bad mood all morning and hardly said a word, which was quite unlike him.

Then our zone leaders popped in for a visit.  One of them spoke with my companion, while the other stayed in the living room and chatted with me and my other flatmates.  It was a cool chat; Elder Baker is very knowledgeable, another McConkie, he really seems to get in to him.

The zone leaders left, but my comp stayed in the bedroom for a while.  We finally got out in the afternoon, going on team-ups with Fox and Lima.  Fox and I tracted, but without success.  We were out on the edge of our area, near Los Altos Hills, and we had to walk up some steep hills.

Anyway, nothing against Elder Golf, he is a good guy.  But he has said that of the four comps he's had since coming out, three have been bad -- the only good one was his trainer.  I worry sometimes that I might be another bad companion because I have a hard time making conversation.  I feel like I'm doing the best I can, and I do try to take opportunities to talk, but it is hard.  I get too scared sometimes to ask him things that I think I really should ask him.  I guess I'm afraid of what he'll think of me.  It looks like I've still got some of that inferiority complex.

I hope he doesn't give up on the companionship like my MTC comp did.  If he does, this companionship is history.  All I can do is the best I can, but I don't think it's good enough.

I just finished reading Drawing on the Powers of Heaven, what a great book.  I got a lot out of it -- loved it!

On Sunday, at a DA, I tried eggplant (what? I tried something new?).  It was good.  They served us omelettes with eggplant and some other stuff.

Tomorrow we have a follow up appointment on a lady we tracted into.  She lives next door to the guy who was the first door I got into.  She was busy when we first knocked on her door; we stopped by last Tuesday, but she was still quite busy.  Then she went out of town, but will be back tonight.  She is a Midonite, but she seems like she might be interested.

Godly Sorrow

In his first epistle to Corinth, Paul called the people to repentance, which caused them sorrow.  Paul acknowledge this in his second epistle to the Corintians:

"For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.  Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.  For godly sorrow worketh repentence to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death" (2 Corinthians 7:8-10).

There are two things to take from this scripture: first, the Corinthian saints felt godly sorrow and repented of their sins; second, godly sorrow for sin leads to repentance, while worldly sorrow leads to spiritual death.  It is not enough to be sorry for our sins, we have to find this godly sorrow.  It is also not enough to just stop doing that which we need to repent from doing.  Worldly sorrow, ironically, leads us to spiritual death because it keeps us from true repentance.

Repentance is always possible, but it is not easy, and it would be better to avoid, if possible, making the mistakes that would then require our penitence.  Because we are human, mistakes are inevitable, yet some mistakes can be avoided.

General Charles Krulak, the commandant of the U.S. Marine Corps in the late 1990s, defined a mistake as an error made when, in the attempt to do something right, someone makes a wrong choice.  God has given us council, in the scriptures and through church leaders, on dangers such as drugs, alcohol and pornography.  If we heed this council, and give it our best effort, we can avoid these pitfalls.

What would not be a mistake is to deliberately make a wrong choice in the belief that one can repent later.  In this case the individual is choosing to do something they know that they should not do.  Rather than a mistake, this would be a willful act.  Repentance is still possible, but in this case it would be more difficult than if an individual, doing their best, fell short because of human weakness.

“It is not uncommon," said President Ezra Taft Benson, "to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute ‘godly sorrow.'"

President Benson went on to say,  “Godly sorrow is a gift of the Spirit. It is a deep realization that our actions have offended our Father and our God. It is the sharp and keen awareness that our behavior caused the Savior, He who knew no sin, even the greatest of all, to endure agony and suffering. Our sins caused Him to bleed at every pore. This very real mental and spiritual anguish is what the scriptures refer to as having ‘a broken heart and a contrite spirit’ (Doctrine & Covenants 20:37). Such a spirit is the absolute prerequisite for true repentance”

 President Dieter F. Uchtdorf has said that "Godly sorrow inspires change and hope through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Worldly sorrow pulls us down, extinguishes hope, and persuades us to give in to further temptation.  Godly sorrow leads to conversion and a change of heart. It causes us to hate sin and love goodness. It encourages us to stand up and walk in the light of Christ’s love. True repentance is about transformation, not torture or torment. Yes, heartfelt regret and true remorse for disobedience are often painful and very important steps in the sacred process of repentance. But when guilt leads to self-loathing or prevents us from rising up again, it is impeding rather than promoting our repentance."

President Uchtdorf said further, "When we make mistakes, when we sin and fall, let us think of what it means to truly repent. It means turning our heart and will to God and giving up sin. True heartfelt repentance brings with it the heavenly assurance that 'we can do it now.'”



Sources:

 Benson, E. T. (1988). Teachings of President Ezra Taft Benson.  Salt Lake City: Bookcraft.

Uchtdorf, D. F. "You Can Do It Now." Accessed at LDS.org. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/you-can-do-it-now?lang=eng&query=godly+sorrow

After Prom: Angels

I first referred to Mary as the Heartbreaker, because she did break my heart when she canceled on the junior prom.  I should like to change that, for she was always a sweet angel, even when she did something that caused me pain.  When I told her that I felt sick when I saw her in the halls after she canceled, she said that she also felt sick because she knew she had hurt me, and she was so completely genuine that I had no trouble believing her.  If Julie was a Unicorn, then Mary was an Angel.

While I thought that I loved Julie, I eventually learned that I did not, for I never really put her happiness ahead of my own.  While I was attracted to Mary, I did not think that I was ever in love with her, but I wonder.  It could be said that, in choosing to respect her decision regarding the dance, that I put her happiness before my own.  Could it be, then, that I loved the girl that I thought I did not love?

I could ask the same thing about Evelyn, who, at times, was also an angel.  While I did not have a good time at the dance I took this Third Girl too, through no fault of hers, I did my best to hide it, and I did it for her.  I could have taken Evelyn aside to tell her what was going on, but I thought that might ruin her evening -- again, who wants to hear that their date is having a miserable time because they are thinking about someone else?

Though I did eventually tell Evelyn about it, she did not appear to be upset.  Over the next few weeks she would be a very good friend when I needed one.  I would tell myself that while I could have fallen for her, I stopped myself from doing so because of my decision to wait until after my mission.  But, again, I wonder.

Certainly I cared for Mary and Evelyn as friends, even as I may have hoped that someday there could be more.  But if not, I knew that I would be okay.  As much as I tried to find that kind of peace regarding Julie, I never succeeded, at least not until the recent realization of her status as my unicorn.

Evelyn and I would talk a few times between graduation and my departure for my LDS mission.  We seemed to become closer as friends.  She told me that summer that she wanted to go on a mission but, as the minimum age for sister missionaries at that time was still 21, she would have a few years to wait.  If she were to serve, she would be leaving about the same time I was returning, give or take a few months, and I thought it would be interesting if I ended up waiting for her.

Alas, I started dating another angel, a girl I met in one of my classes because she sat in front of me.  I took her to play miniature golf on our first date.  After completing the round, we found a place to sit and talk.  Unlike with any of the other girls I would take out on a date, I had no trouble talking with this angel.  It went so well that I asked her out a few more times.

After I made the decision to wait until after my mission to have a girlfriend, there were a few times where I at least entertained the notion of changing my mind, usually when I took a girl to a dance.  Each time I would decide that it wasn't really what I wanted.  But, after just a few dates with this new girl, I found myself asking her to be my girl!  She thought about it and said that she didn't think she was ready, and I was a little relieved because I still had a mission to serve.  She agreed to write me, but said she was not going to wait for me.

Fast forward a couple of years to my triumphant return.  I started dating the girl who said she did not wait for me only to find it was not so easy to start that relationship I had been waiting so long for.  I also found out that Evelyn was married, but I did not have any difficulty moving on.  At one point I paid Mary a visit, to catch up, and to see if there might be anything there.  We would always be friends, but probably not more than that.  Eventually, I married that girl who said she did not wait for me.

Years later I would run into Mary and her new husband.  I could not have been happier for her.  She was the sweet angel I had always known.  She may even have apologized, once more, for canceling on the prom.

Last summer, this sweet angel lost her battle with cancer, leaving behind a husband and two daughters.  When I heard the news my heart broke.  I was surprised that her passing affected me so deeply, I must have cared for her more than I realized.  And so I wonder, could I have loved her even when I thought that I did not?  Is it possible to be in love without realizing it?  Is it possible to move forward in life, loving others, and still be at least a tiny bit in love?

Now, I love my wife, we have been together many years.  She is, in fact, the only girl I have ever kissed.  She is also the only girl who liked me as much as I liked her.  I want so much for her to be happy, and it breaks my heart a little any time that she is not.  No marriage is perfect, and "happily ever after" may not be possible in this life, but we can live "after the manner of happiness" as we work together through the challenges we face.  I love her, and I always will.

After Prom: The Unicorn

I was trying to figure out the other day how many dates I actually went on during my three years in high school and came up with nine.  Then there were three times I asked a girl to help me with a photography assignment or contest; if I were to count those that would mean 12 dates.  Oh, but then there was that time I got together with a girl to talk on her front lawn.

Then I counted up the dates I went on between my high school graduation and when I left on my LDS mission, and for that I came up with ten.  Here, as well, there were at least a couple of other get-togethers of one kind or another that could possibly be counted.

What constitutes an actual date?  Certainly a dance, a movie, or anything where a meal is involved.  But what about just taking a walk, or walking to park and taking pictures?  Would it be a date if you just got together to talk?  How long does the time spent together have to be?

In any case, however a date is defined, I went on at least as many dates during the seven odd months before I entered the Missionary Training Center as I did during the previous two and a half years.  If I had it to do over again, I think I would want to go on at least one date, and probably not more than two or three, with as many different girls as possible.

I also would be sure not to avoid dating for that year from the beginning of my Junior year to the end of the following summer.  I would have taken Mary out on a date to make up for not going to the prom, and I might have taken Evelyn on another date as well, so we could both have a good time.

Most of all, perhaps, I would have found a way not to be hung up on Julie for so long.  At one point that final spring, when some trouble arose, I told myself I was walking away.  As usual, however, I could not stay away.  Against all logic, perhaps, I continued to try and be her friend.

One day at church I said “hi” to Julie and asked her how she was doing.  She responded that she was not doing well because moving away meant she would never see a certain friend again.  I did not think that she meant me.

In the last part of June I called her up and opened old wounds.  Perhaps it was the knowledge that time was running out that prompted me to call her.  She agreed to talk one last time and I went over to her house.

As we sat on her lawn, I asked Julie if she had ever liked me.  She replied by saying that she had only been trying to be a good neighbor.  It was an understatement, I believe, but it is also likely that nothing more than simple friendship was ever intended.  For my part, I confessed, with some emotion, that there were times when I still wanted her.  While I did find her attractive, I think I meant that I still wanted her to like me as much as I liked her.

It was around this time that I stumbled on something I doubt I was intended to see.  I happened to be on the stage at my ward house where I saw a drawing on a blackboard.  It turned out to be a rather unflattering picture of me.  In thought bubbles surrounding the drawing were statements I was supposedly making that further painted me in a bad light.  Some of the statements appeared to regard me and Julie -- one portrayed me as some kind of cheapskate.  At least some of the statements, as well as some aspects of the drawing, were not appropriate for the setting.

There can be no doubt that Julie had been hurt by my inability to let go.  She paid a price for my ignorance and naivete, and my selfishness.  I told myself that I did not want to hurt her, but I was concerned mostly with my feelings.  I never put her happiness ahead of my own.  I tried walking away multiple times, but mostly to spare my feelings.  I never considered walking away and staying away for the sake of her feelings.

Finally, in the last week of July, Julie and her family moved away, out of the state.  Later that night, I went out for a walk and soon found myself on her street.  It was after 10:00 pm, and I stood in the shadows across the street from her house for awhile.  After another look at the past I whispered "Goodbye, Julie."  Then I started walking home.

It was finally over; I would never see her again.

A little more than a year later, I was in Seaside, California, the second area I would serve in on my mission.  One day we accepted a lunch invitation from one of the stake missionaries in the ward we were assigned to.  This was a man I had developed some affinity for as he dealt with certain physical challenges with an amazingly positive attitude.  He asked me to bless the food and I felt inspired to ask for a special blessing on him.

That night, as I lay in bed, I contemplated the events of the day.  I began to think of Julie, Mary and Evelyn.  I thought, also, of another girl that I had asked on several dates before leaving on my mission.  There were other things I thought of, as well, and I believe that as I did so I was taught by the spirit about love.  I realized that Julie had been right when she said that I did not love her.  I realized that I knew so little about love and the power of the word.  I felt that I had so much to learn.

Having come to the realization that I had not loved Julie, I began to think more about her, wishing that someday I might have the opportunity to apologize for the pain that I had caused her.

A few years after returning from my mission, however, I learned that Julie had passed away.  This only deepened my regret, for now I would never be able to apologize to her.

A few years later I started typing up my old journals.  I spent a lot of time trying to remember details I had not previously included.  One day I found myself daydreaming about running into Julie.  In my daily walks I found myself talking to Julie, trying to explain and apologize.

Not long after that I went to see a licensed family therapist, and I found myself talking about Julie and my regrets.  The therapist suggested that Julie was my unicorn; she was something impossible that I wanted and could not let go of.  The idea made a big difference to me and I think I finally found some peace regarding Julie.

On at least two other occasions since high school, I have found myself in situations where I had to walk away.  One girl I was interested in needed some space for a time.  Later, an old friend would ask me to walk away.  It was not easy either time, in fact, it was among the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Because of Julie, or rather the lesson of my experiences with her, I found the strength to do what I had to.  The first time it was only for two months, but the second time would turn into four years.

The Ball: Creating Memories

I had asked Gabrielle to the Senior Ball, and while she had let me know that she wanted to go with me, she had a piano competition scheduled for the same day.  For a few days she tried to find a way to do both, but in the end she decided to skip the competition and accompany me to the dance.  I was thrilled.

The ball was on May 3, and Gabrielle and I teamed up with John and his date for dinner and transportation. We went to dinner at the Alta Club, on the corner of South Temple and State Street, which my father had recently joined.

Earlier in the day I went in with my father to set everything up at the club, which included my dad pre-signing the bill. When we got home I hurried off to pick up my tuxedo only to encounter a snafu. I had to wait quite a while for my tux to be ready and by the time I got home I didn’t have enough time to shower. Instead I had just enough time to get changed before John picked me up.

Dinner at the Alta Club was excellent. Perhaps a small group, like a double date, was better suited for me than a big group -- or even just as a single couple. Of course, I might also have been in a better mood. In any case I was able to contribute to the conversation without feeling a lot of pressure to have something to say.

After dinner it was a short walk over to the Hotel Utah where the dance was being held. Maybe it was because the dance was at a different venue, but I didn’t think of Julie once. Anyway, Gabrielle and I both had a great time.  She looked fantastic that night, though her gown was a little bit tight, which made it difficult for her to walk.

Later, the four of us got together with some other friends for an after party.  We changed out of our formal clothes, played some games and did some other fun things.  It was a great way to finish what had been a wonderful evening.

Before the dance I had been thinking about the possibility of getting serious with Gabrielle.  We were getting a long well with each other, and how could I not feel complimented that she chose to go the ball with me instead of participating in the piano competition?  I was aware that she took her music seriously, so her choice did seem to be a big deal.  Of course, the ball was the final dance, not just of the year, but of our time in high school, so I am sure that also influenced her decision.

As for the idea of having a girlfriend, my thinking was, if it happens it happens.  While I had made the decision to wait, there were still times when I might have hoped that I girl could like me that much. Even so, at the dance I realized that a relationship was not what I wanted, at least, not yet.

The next day, I went to see Gabrielle, ostensibly to give her a claim ticket for the photo from the dance, but really to have a chat.  She said that she had a great time and something about her enthusiasm left me intrigued.  For a few weeks I found myself going back and forth on the idea of having a girlfriend or waiting until after my mission.

A couple of weeks after the ball I learned about a photo contest in a national magazine and I asked Gabrielle if she would be willing to pose for me.  She was happy to help out, and she did not seem to be concerned that I might have wanted to be more than friends.  Then, a few weeks after graduation, I took her out one hot afternoon for some ice cream.  By then I was sure that I wanted to wait until after my mission, as much as I liked Gabrielle.

I wonder, though, if my rekindled hope did not have something to do with my feelings for another girl.  I was still trying to be friends with Julie, but it never did seem to work out.  As she had often been in the past, at times she was friendly, but at other times she was distant.  While she had not been very friendly after we made peace, as the summer approached she would become even more distant.  This time I decided to just walk away -- no letters, no discussion on her front porch, instead I would just quietly walk away.

I told myself that it was finally over, or at least that it would be soon enough.  Her family would be moving away that summer.  Surely there would be nothing left after that, right?

Despite whatever difficulties I was experiencing with Julie, I was feeling good, better than I had felt since at least the previous October.  Graduation was a month away but, perhaps more importantly, I was focusing more and more on preparing to serve an LDS mission.  In fact, despite being out late because of the Ball, the following morning I got up early to attend my first missionary prep class.

The missionary preparation program organized by my stake had meetings on Sunday morning and on Tuesday night.  Perhaps more important, though, I could teach mock discussions to members once a week if I wanted to.  These "firesides" as they were called, allowed me to learn the discussion, and learn how to teach with the spirit, while allowing me to overcome any feelings of "stage fright" I might have had.

As graduation approached, I was also coming to really appreciate the friendship I was receiving from Evelyn.  But I may have had too much appreciation, if that is possible.

There were times during those last few weeks when I simply did not want to go home after school.  Going home meant being alone, which tended to bring me down from the highs I experienced during the day.  So I found myself sticking around in the halls, hoping to spend more time with my friends. At least a few times I approached Sally and Evelyn when they wanted some privacy and they would get frustrated when I did not immediately grasp their desire to be alone.

Still, in those final days of high school, I was able to create some good memories with my friends.

The Ball: New Perspectives

Even as I struggled with feelings of loneliness during the winter of my senior year, my perspective began to change.  For example, one Saturday morning in February, I was lying in bed when the thought occurred to me that a year from that moment I would be on a mission.  It was a sobering thought; it was also right on the money.  In February 1988 I was in my first area in the mission field.  From that morning on I started looking more and more toward my mission.

Sometime in the month of March, I finished reading the Book of Mormon for the first time.  I then remembered something else my father had said, which was that he wanted to always be reading the Book of Mormon, thus, when he would finish, he would turn right around and start reading it again.

By now I was thinking seriously about serving a mission and I figured that if I started reading the Book of Mormon again that I might be able to get through it before going on my mission.  With these two things in mind I started reading the Book of Mormon again the day after finishing it for the first time.

Despite what happened at the prom, I decided to get right back on the horse by going out on another date.  I got a pair of tickets to a University of Utah basketball game and asked Ann, who I had met the year before in my photography class, to go with me.  We both had a good time, even though Utah lost a close game at the buzzer.

Afterward we went for ice cream, but I worried that she might not be having a good time because, again, I did not have much to say.  Actually, she told me a few days later that she had a great time, but worried that I did not because of how quiet I was.

As it turned out, Ann was not the first girl I had asked to the game.  I had to ask several different girls before I found one who was able to say yes.  Persistence can pay off, but I did not want Ann to know that she was not the only girl I asked.

Speaking of basketball, it was that time of year for church ball.  My team did not win many games that year but I had a few good moments on the court.  Twice in one game I stole the ball and started down court to try and score.  An opposing player got back on defense each time and I surprised him by pulling up for short jump shots, both of them good.

There was one game that was a bit of a nightmare.  We were playing the best team in the stake and they were kicking our butts.  By playing full court press defense they quickly built a big lead.  At some point a teammate stole the ball and I was in a position where I could quickly get behind the defense.

I took the pass and dribbled in for a layup, but as I was going up I felt something rub against my back.  Whatever it was it had the effect of taking my legs out from under me and I crashed hard to the floor.  After a moment I was able to get up and make it to the bench, but there was a problem; we had only six or seven players and one or two had already fouled out of the game.  I had no choice but to go back in.  I walked over to the foul line assuming that a foul had been called only to find out that was not the case.

I gutted out the rest of the game and not long after my fall I got the ball and scored on a nice jump shot.  The next day, one of the opposing players, who was in my history class, told me that I had earned some respect for gutting it out.

In early March the state high school basketball playoffs were held at the Huntsman Center on the University of Utah campus.  At one game, the friend who had given me a ride in had to leave early, and I did not have a ride home.   I talked to several people about getting a ride home, but had no luck.  Not knowing what else to do I started walking down the hill.  As I walked, I closed my eyes and said a prayer, asking the Lord to help me find a ride.

Within ten minutes, Jamie happened by.  She stopped to pick me up, and after getting into her car, I  closed my eyes to give a silent prayer of thanks.

As I said in my last post, somehow things had gotten better.  One of the friends who helped was Gabrielle.  We had been acquainted for a few years, but as winter turned to spring we were becoming better friends.  In mid-April I asked Gabrielle to the Senior Ball -- my school did not have a Senior Prom, it had a Senior Ball instead.

Unable to think of anything clever, I simply dropped a note off at her house.  I did, however, put the note in a legal envelope on which I wrote in big letters, TOP SECRET and EYES ONLY GABRIELLE.

She answered right away, saying that she would love to go to the ball with me.  But there was a problem; a big piano competition was scheduled for the same day as the dance.  Gabrielle was not sure if she could do both the competition and the dance.  I replied that while I still hoped that I could take her to the ball, I would support her if she decided to participate in the competition.

I did not tell her about the feeling I was having inside of "Uh, oh, here we go again."