You can find some interesting things on social media, things you were not looking for, but things which resonate with you anyway. Last night I encountered something written by someone who, for seemingly inexplicable reasons, had lost their best friend. It resonated with me because I have lost friends throughout my life.
When I was in the fifth grade, my best and only friend dumped me on the playground at school. I was chasing after him and some other kids when suddenly he turned around and shouted "Can't you take a hint?" I was blindsided. I thought we were playing a game -- an odd game, perhaps, but a game nonetheless.
Not only did I not understand that he was trying to get away from me, I could not figure out why he would want to. Some time after that, I watched as my former best friend listened with rapt attention as another boy told a story about something he did with his family. It dawned on me then that he might have dumped me because I was boring. I never received any other explanations.
In high school I fell for a girl that had been a friend. She had been nice to me when few others were. But she did not fall for me, and after we went on a date she seemed to be less friendly. Eventually she tired of me and refused to be a friend.
Losing a friend is always difficult. At least, losing a friend has always been difficult for me. It was difficult in the fifth grade. It was difficult in high school and never stopped being difficult until the day she moved out of state. It was difficult in college when, for a few months, the girl I would eventually marry refused to be a friend. So it is no surprise that I have found it difficult in more recent years when another friend has, without explanation, cut me out of their life.
I will not describe this person as my best friend, though they were among a small group of friends that were very important to me in high school. After years of having few friends, at the beginning of my junior year I was suddenly making friends left and right. I had entered the school year wanting to be more outgoing, and my small efforts paid huge dividends. It was wonderful, and yet, I could not fully trust it. Nor could I fully understand it.
Part of the problem is that, while I could overcome shyness, I could not completely change my quiet personality. At first I was happy to bask in the light of my new friends, but the day would come when that was no longer enough. I knew that I needed my friends but I found myself wondering if they needed me.
Because of all those years when friends were few and far between, I told myself that I did not have the opportunity to learn important social skills. Feeling backward, I began to wonder just what friendship really was.
One of my new friends must have noticed my doubts. "You want so much to be accepted," this friend said one day, 'and you are!" On another occasion, this friend would tell me that the evidences of friendship that I perceived were true. But the thing I remember most is when this individual advised me that we all have down times, and we all have moments when we feel inadequate, but we are the master of our own soul and we have the capacity to choose how we feel; we should choose to feel good and happy rather than down and depressed.
These are things that I have treasured, and because of them it is all the more inexplicable that the person who said them to me now refuses to be my friend.
High school ended and we all moved on with our lives, it is part of growing up. But social media has given me the opportunity of connecting with old friends. Social media also gave me the opportunity of being blocked by an old friend.
I was blindsided again when I realized that this old friend had blocked me. Like I did on that playground so many years ago, I wondered why. I questioned if it was all my fault, I blamed myself. I tried to think of everything I could possibly have done, and I wrote a letter of apology for all them. But all I received was silence. I sought out an intermediary and finally received a response; essentially it was "You are forgiven. I don't want to open any doors of friendship. I want you to move on."
Move on from what? And, frankly, being cut out like this did not feel like forgiveness.
That was four years ago and moving on has been difficult. I can still question if it was my fault. I can still blame myself. I can be nostalgic. I can still treasure those things my friend said to me. I can also get angry and wonder how this friend could have left me twisting in the wind.
I cannot devalue the friendship or the memories. I cannot take anything away from the friendship or act as if it never happened. Strangely, I cannot be bitter; I cannot think or say bad things about my old friend. I have wondered sometimes if it would help to have some nasty thoughts, but I have rejected the idea as it is not a road I want to go down. It would be beneath both of us to hold on to anger.
But still I wonder. What was it that led this person to let go? Was it as difficult for them as it was for me? Did it hurt them as much as it hurt me? Am I missed as much as they are?
I doubt this person will ever see this, but if they do:
Thank you for being there on some of those occasions when I needed a friend. Thank you for helping me break out of my shell. Please know that I still treasure your advice, I have even shared some of it in this blog of mine. Our friendship meant a lot to me. Our friendship was unique, just as my friendships are and have been with each of my other friends. Walking away at your request was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I will never understand your reasoning for letting go, but I don’t think you are a bad person. I want you to be happy, but I miss you.
I am worried, too. Our high school reunion is just a few months away. I don't know how I will react when I see you. I don't know how you will want me to react. Will you want me to approach you or to avoid you? I don't know how you will react. Will you turn the other way or will you smile?
Frankly, if it were possible, I would prefer to get that awkward moment out of the way before the reunion. Whatever you desire, I will respect it.
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Update (August 13. 2017):
Our high school reunion was last night, held at the school, in the expanding cafeteria. I saw my old friend, and, during the first half of the evening, I kept my distance. Then she was gone, and I was left trying to process an evening that felt inconclusive.
But later, my old friend reappeared, and I started debating what I should do. I could not simply walk up to her, but I could not just leave. I wandered around the school cafeteria, telling myself how stupid I was being.
Twice I prepared to leave, only to stop and walk back into the cafeteria. I found a group of friends standing near my old friend, and joined their conversation. I was pushing it as much as I dared.
Finally, she saw me. We looked at each other for a moment, and then she turned and walked away. I turned away, as well, and started for the door.
So much seemed suddenly clear; cutting me out of her life was not just some social media thing. It was not a matter of trying to have boundaries. In a setting where she could be friendly with everyone else, she could not be friendly with me.
I still do not know what I did, or why all of this has happened. But it is clear that little has changed in the last four years.
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Update II (August 17, 2017):
I have heard through a mutual friend that my old friend has no hard feelings toward me and that everything is good. She was grateful that we could both be at the reunion without any awkwardness. Everything is moving in the right direction. I am finally at peace. All is well.
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