His Grace is Sufficient

I know that I have told this story before, but during the summer between my junior and senior years in high school I had a bit of a meltdown at a church softball game and, as it turned out, my father was there to see it.  That night I found a note on my pillow suggesting that I read Ether 12:27:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

This scripture hit me like no other before or since; I had a lot of weaknesses, and I needed help.  The question, however, was how could I humble myself and exercise faith.  I remembered something I had heard my father say, “If you have questions, read the Book of Mormon.”  As it happened, we were going to be studying the Book of Mormon in seminary my senior year, so I thought I would get a jump on the school year and start reading Stick of Joseph right away.

At times I felt that it was a struggle to exercise faith, but there were also days when the Lord answered my prayers with needed help and with needed answers to some difficult questions.  Through the examples of great men such as Nephi, Alma, Captain Moroni, and others, I learned how to exercise faith and to humble myself.  I had faith in Jesus Christ, I knew that my Heavenly Father loved me, I loved both of them, and this brought happiness.  Still, there were some lessons that I needed to go on a mission to learn.

I was a shy and quiet boy; during my ninth grade year, I could only manage a smile when someone said “hi” to me in the halls at school.  As a sophomore, I had progressed to where I could say “hi” back, and by the end of the school year I could even have a short conversation with people.

One day I was sitting in the foyer at Bountiful High School when a girl walked up to me.  She introduced herself, though in fact she did not have to; she was a cheerleader who had just won an election to be a student body officer, so I knew who she was – and I was more than a little surprised that she was talking to me.  A few days later, she again approached me as I sat in the foyer.  I was looking at a proof or contact sheet for some photos I had recently taken – this was long before digital photography – and she complimented me, saying that I was a good photographer.

If I was surprised the first time, I was even more so the second time she talked to me.  I doubted that I had made much of an impression the first time.  This girl continued to say “hi” to me during the rest of the school year, and I found her sunny personality to be infectious.  On the last day of school, she wrote in my yearbook:

“I just want you to know that I think you are such a neat guy and that I am so impressed with you!  You are a very kind person and that is a great talent!”

She was impressed with me?!  While I wrote above that I learned how to humble myself before the Lord, it wasn't that I thought so highly of myself, far from it.  I didn't have many friends before high school, and I often felt like an outcast.  I thought, as a matter of fact, that no one else had challenges like I did.  This was an inverse sort of pride, I guess.

As part of my progression from year to year, the natural next step was for me to take the initiative, to be the first to say “hi” to people.  This girl gave me a great gift, the courage to actually do that.  I have written in the past about how a how "by small and simple things, great things are brought to pass"; how a small ray of light, or smile can make a huge difference, this girl reaching out to me, followed by what happened next is an example of this phenomenon.

When my junior year started, I followed through with my goal to take the initiative, and the most amazing thing happened.  As I was more outgoing with those who I already knew, other people started reaching out to me.  Having met more people, that just meant there were more friends to be outgoing with.  From there it snowballed until I had become part of a rather large group of friends, something I had never imagined to be possible.

Even so, I still had issues.  I could not see myself as anything but plain and quiet, maybe even boring; my new friends had to be special because I knew that I was not and by this line of thinking I managed to put all my friends up on a pedestal.  As noted, I also persisted in thinking that no one had challenges like I did.  It was remarkable, in some ways, how much I progressed in high school, while yet seeming to lag so far behind.

One of the new friends I made during my junior year really stood out.  When we met she appeared to lack confidence in herself; but then I watched as her confidence grew and she became one of the prettiest girls in school.  She, too, would win an election to become a student body officer.  She, too, would make a big difference in my life.  She would say to me once that we all had down times, we all had moments when we felt inadequate, but we are the master of our own soul, we have the capacity to choose how we feel.  We should choose to feel good and happy rather than down and depressed.

I have always been a walking contradiction, it seems, artistic yet conventional, creative yet uniform.  I still entertained many doubts about myself as I left on my mission, yet at the same time, because of eight months in a missionary prep program, I had so much confidence in my ability teach.  I thought I would take the mission field by storm.  I was ahead of the other elders in my MTC district, having had plenty of opportunities to teach the first and second discussions to members, yet I was socially clueless.

I made the mistake of correcting my companion in front of other people and it ruined the companionship.  He naturally got upset at what I had done, but then he took me aside to apologize for it.  I, who was actually the one at fault, could not find the the words to apologize.  After the MTC, I was a bit cautious going into my first area; actually, I over-corrected, becoming even quieter than I had been the previous couple of years.  And my quiet personality turned out to be a great trial for my trainer!

I figure that, because of the overconfidence I had in my ability to do the work, that the Lord decided I needed to be humbled, so he sent me to Palo Alto.  This community, which is right next to Stanford University, is rather affluent, and the work there, at that time, was extremely slow.  Add to that, the difficulties I had with my trainer.  He and his previous companion had just had a baptism, right before my arrival and, as he put it, that was their entire teaching pool.  Over a period of four months, with three different companions, I taught but one standard discussion, and that was a few days before I transferred out.

Things would get better, but there were other challenges ahead.  I wrote home from my second area in month five that it appeared that no one else had challenges like I did.  My brother wrote back and gave me the proverbial slap upside the head that I needed.  He stated that I was not unique because of my challenges but for other reasons.  After reading this I felt as if my eyes had been opened, and for the next week or so I saw the challenges my companion and other fellow missionaries were experiencing, and I saw the truth of my brother's words.

About the same time, though I thought I had a testimony when I left on my mission, I found myself on my knees one night pleading for witness from the spirit.  After some difficulty, as I think my faith and sincerity were being tested, I got the witness I sought.  It was as if a match had been lit in the dark of night, and the despair and doubt fled, and the light that flowed into me increased until it nigh consumed me.  And I knew, really knew, in a way I had not known before.

And a few weeks later it all came together, the faith, the confidence, the humility, and the testimony.  We made a call back on a couple that we had tracted into, and as we entered their living room I saw a stack of books next to the husband's chair.  I knew right then that we were in trouble.  For the next hour he fired one challenge after another at us, and we answered as best we could, but then, guided by the spirit, I kind of took over.  I told the story of receiving that witness from the spirit and bore the most powerful testimony I could, and I withstood the challenges they both threw back at me.  The wife got so angry at one point that she almost threw her copy of the Book of Mormon at me!

After we left, my companion turned to me and said, “You are amazing.”  But it wasn't me, it was the spirit.  God had strengthened me as I bore witness of the truth of the restored gospel.  He had made weak things become strong!

Though he made me strong, yet I remained weak.  Were it not so, I could not have stayed humble.  When filled with the spirit, I could bear a mighty testimony, yet I continued to entertain so many doubts about myself.  I still had occasions when I felt inadequate.  I still made mistakes, even long after I had returned from my mission.  It has only been in recent years that I finally took all my friends down from that pedestal.

We are all human and therefore we all have weaknesses, and, as Paul said, "For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).  We need not think that we are better than others for there is plenty of evidence to the contrary.

We all have down times and occasions when we feel inadequate.  We should always strive to be humble, meek and submissive.  Only then can we have the spirit to guide us, only then can we teach with the spirit.  We should never try to rely on our own understanding, or on our own knowledge of the scriptures or of gospel principles.  We should always strive to have the spirit, and to rely on God.  When we do that amazing things can happen.