Replace Bashing with Charity

I saw this morning a story criticizing a public figure for something he once said,  I was reminded of a talk given by Marvin J. Ashton a number of years ago.  Basically, if we look long enough and hard enough, we can find any statement or action by someone that we can find fault with, we can do this because everybody is human.

Because it is so easy to find fault, we may think that we know everything we need to know about an individual as we judge them harshly.  The reality, however, is that we are like the character Sergeant Schultz from the television comedy series Hogan's Heroes, "We know nothing, nothing."

We do not know what we do not know.  We cannot see into the hearts and minds of those we criticize.  Hidden from our view are the trials and heartaches others are dealing with.  We do not know the private Gethsemanes people are experiencing.

King David once compared the tongue with a sharp sword (Psalms 57:4). Much later someone said that the pen was mightier than the sword. Many in the world today may yet identify with David, feeling themselves to be the victims of those who use their tongues (or their keyboards) as sharp swords. The misuse of our tongues seems to add intrigue and destruction as the media and private persons indulge in this pastime. In today's vernacular this activity is called bashing.

Bashing - to strike with a heavy crushing blow.

"This popular behavior is indulged in by far too many who bash a neighbor, a family member, a public servant, a community, a country, a church," said Elder Marvin J. Ashton during the April 1992 General Conference the of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  "Some think the only way to get even, to get advantage, or to win is to bash people. Often times character and reputation and almost always self-esteem are destroyed under the hammer of this vicious practice. How far adrift we have allowed ourselves to go from the simple proverb 'If you can't say something good about someone or something, don't say anything' to where we now are often involved in the bash business."

You don't have to be religious or a Christian to believe that kindness is better than meanness. Nonetheless, it is particularly striking to me when I see self proclaimed Christians participate in bashing. For "even though," said Elder Aston, "reports and rumors pertaining to misconduct and misbehavior are readily available and can make good ammunition for those who would injure, bash or damage, Jesus Christ reportedly declared that he who is without sin may cast the first stone. Ugly reports and conversations are always available to those who would promote the sordid and sensational. But none of us are yet perfect. We each have failings that aren't terribly difficult to detect -- especially if that is the aim. Through microscopic examination one can find in almost every life incidents or traits that can be destructive when they are magnified."

Christians are to be reminded that their Savior, reportedly the only perfect person ever to walk the earth, taught us through quiet example to say nothing or to be silent in stressful times in our lives rather than to spend time and energy bashing for whatever purpose.

"So what is the antidote," asked Elder Ashton, "for this bashing that hurts feelings, demeans others, destroys relationships, and harms self esteem?  Bashing should be replaced with charity."

Joseph Smith said that "If we would secure and cultivate the love of others, we must love others, even our enemies as well as our friends. We should cease wrangling and contending with each other, and cultivate the principles of union and friendship. We need to be kinder with one another, more gentle and forgiving. We need to be slower to anger and quicker to help. We need to extend the hand of friendship and resist the hand of retribution. In short, we need to love one another with a pure love, with genuine charity and compassion and, if necessary, shared suffering."

While the word charity is often equated with visiting the sick or giving to those in need, it is much, much more than that.  "Real charity is something you acquire and make part of yourself," said Elder Ashton. "When this virtue is implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. It makes the thought of bashing repulsive.

"The greatest charity," Elder Ashton continued, "comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other, but being understanding and patient when it doesn't happen."

We all have weaknesses and challenges, and we don't need someone to point our failings out to us as we are probably already fully cognizant of where we are falling short.  What we really need are family, friends, employers, associates, etc., "who support us, who have patience with us, who believe in us, and who believe we are trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?"

Much of what Jesus Christ taught seems to center around the virtues of love, compassion, forgiveness, and long-suffering -- in other words, those qualities that enable us to deal with our fellow human beings more compassionately. Much of what Jesus taught centered around the way we treat each other. Yet many who profess to believe in Him are willing participants in the bashing so common today.

Instead of being bashers, we should be nurturers; people who build rather than destroy. We should have understanding and forgiving hearts, and look for the best in people. We should leave people better than we found them. We should be fair with our competitors, whether in business, athletics, politics, on the Internet, or elsewhere. We should not try to "win" by intimidation or by undermining someone's character. We should lend a hand to those who are frightened, lonely, or burdened.

"If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces," Elder Ashton concluded, "I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. . . .  Let us open our arms to each other, accept each other for who we are, assume everyone is doing the best he or she can, and look for ways to help leave quiet messages of love and encouragement instead of being destructive with bashing."

“The fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace.” (James 3:18.)


Source: Ashton, M. J. (1992). "The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword." Accessed January 23, 2013 at https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword?lang=eng 

"The Fire of the Covenant"

Fear not I am with thee: oh be not dismayed
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen the, help thee, and cause thee to stand
Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.
(How Firm A Foundation, Hymn 85)

By the summer of 1846, most of the Mormons had left Nauvoo, but in the fall some 700 still remained.  These were the poor and destitute who did not have the resources to cross the plains.  The enemies of the LDS Church became impatient and forced these poor souls out of Nauvoo.  When word reached Brigham Young at Winter Quarters he called for rescue parties to go back to Nauvoo.  The saints at Winter Quarters were not much better off than those who had been driven by mobs out of the City of Joseph.

In calling for rescue parties, Brigham Young reminded the saints of the Nauvoo Covenant, which they had made in the temple before leaving the city.  Each had made a covenant to not leave anyone behind, even if they had to sacrifice their own goods to bring them along.

"Now is the time for our labor," said President Young on September 28, 1846.  "Let the fire of the covenant, which you made in the house of the Lord, burn in your hearts like flame unquenchable!  Rise up, brethren, take your teams and wagons and go straightaway to the Mississippi and bring a load of the poor back here where we can help them find shelter for the winter."

One of those present at Winter Quarters that day was James G. Willie who ten years later, in 1856, would lead the fourth company of handcarts across the plains to the Salt Lake Valley.  A fifth company led by Edward Martin would follow.  Both companies left late in the season and were caught in the snow in what is now the state of Wyoming.  When word reached Salt Lake City of these two companies, Brigham Young would again issue a call for rescue parties.

"That is my religion," said the prophet on October 5, 1856.  "That is the dictation of the Holy Ghost that I possess.  It is to save the people!  We must bring them in from the plains."  After detailing the number of wagons, mule teams and drivers needed, he went on, "Let me make myself perfectly clear.  I will tell you all that your faith, all your religion, and all your profession of religion will never save one soul of you in the celestial kingdom of God, not unless you carry out just such principles as I am now teaching you.  Go and bring in those people now on the plains!  Attend strictly to those things which we call temporal duties, otherwise your faith will be in vain.  The preaching you have heard will be in vain to you, and you will sink to hell, unless you attend to the things we tell you."

Today we are called to different kinds of rescue missions.  Young men and women are called to serve full time missions to preach the gospel and to gather in the tribes of Israel.  The rest of us are called to be member missionaries, to share the gospel with our friends and to work with the full-time missionaries in finding for them people to teach.  Additionally, we are called to stretch forth the hand of mercy and compassion to those in need, from the heartbroken in our own neighborhoods to the refugees of war on the other side of the world.  Like the saints in Nauvoo, we too have made covenants, and the fire of those covenants can burn within us like an unquenchable flame.

For many gathering to Zion between 1846 and 1869, it was the fire of the covenant that sustained them as they crossed the plains.  Pioneers crossing the Oregon, California and Mormon trails spoke about "seeing the elephant"; this phrase meant that somewhere along the trail the enormity of the task of crossing the overland trail was impressed upon them.  Today we may feel that our callings to share the gospel and to serve others is an enormous one, and we may shrink from it.  There may be days on a mission when an elder or a sister might feel that the fire of the covenant is not burning very brightly within them.  The rest of us may have days like that as well.

A character in Gerald Lund's novel of the Willie and Martin handcart companies, Fire of the Covenant, felt that way after her company had been rescued only to find that they still had to walk the trail to get to the Valley.  This led another character to ask, "Do you have even the slightest doubt about whether God lives, about whether His Son came to earth and lived and died so that we might live again?"  The first character answered, "No, I have not the slightest doubt."

"Then why do you say that the fire of the covenant has gone out in you," asked the second character.  "Don't you see?  It is the fire that drives us.  It is our faith in the Savior that sustains us.  That is what give us the strength to go on, even now as we start this terrible day."  Though rescued, this party was about to cross one of the most difficult parts of the trail known as Rocky Ridge.  "And it is our faith in Jesus Christ and His sacrifice that allows us to say, 'And should we die before we reach Rock Creek this night, then happy day!  All is well."

It is through faith in Jesus Christ that we may find the strength and courage we need on our most difficult days.  The fire of the covenant may be burning brightly within us even when we are discouraged.  So, "Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake! And soon we'll have this tale to tell -- All is well! All is well!"

“The Son of Man Hath Descended Below Them All, Art Thou Greater Than He?”

My first area in the California San Jose Mission was in Palo Alto, and included at least part of the campus of Stanford University.  We often went onto campus on our P-days to visit such places as the Rodin Sculpture Garden and the Memorial Church (which we called the "great and spacious building").  The Stanford Memorial Church is an impressive structure that has been called "the University's architectural crown jewel."  Among the many architectural features of the church there are inscribed on the interior walls many inspirational quotes.  On one particular P-day I noticed the following quote, and was so inspired that I wrote in down:

"There are but few on earth free from cares, none but carry burdens of sorrow, and if all were asked to make a package of their troubles, and throw this package on a common pile, and then were asked to go and choose a package which they were willing to bear, all would select their own package again.  Your heartaches may be great, burdens heavy, but look about you, and with whom would you change?"

I have written before that the first four months of my mission were difficult, that it appeared that the Lord had something else on the agenda besides teaching and baptizing.  At the time my mother wrote me several letters that were helpful.  Among the thoughts she wrote were these:

“Know that the Lord will not permit you to have more problems than you can deal with.  Be confident because of your faith in him. . . . Lean on the Lord. Trials can help you come closer to him.”

“I will have to inform you that trials (or ‘opposition in all things’) continue for life, so be prepared. Your attitude will get you through.”

“People are always moving around and doing new things. The Lord knows you and what’s in your heart and will do right by you.”

She also quoted Dr. Scott Peck from The Road Less Traveled: “Once we truly understand that life is difficult – once we truly understand it and accept it then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is so difficult no longer matters. Life is a series of problems.”

The Prophet Joseph Smith once said that “The things of God are of deep import and time and experience and careful and ponderous and solemn thoughts can only find them out.”  He knew whereof he spoke because he had spent time and gained experience in Liberty Jail.  There he received a revelation in which the Lord listed many awful things that could happen to him and that these things would give him experience and be for his good.  Then He said, “The son of man hath descended below them all, art thou greater than he?”

Adversity is a fact of life, it is how we learn and grow so that we can become like our Heavenly Father if we submit ourselves to Him.  Sometimes we face intense challenges that are of a relatively short duration, such as what happened on Omaha Beach on D-Day, the Sixth of June 1944.  Other times we may face less intense challenges, but of a longer duration, such as the fighting in the hedgerows of Normandy after D-Day.  Sometimes, with little rest we may go from our Omaha Beach and into the hedgerows.

Some trials may affect us our entire lives.  On July 24, 1985, my mother collapsed at home due to a brain tumor; though she lived, the surgery to remove the tumor effectively cost her her short term memory.  At the time she was very near the completion of her college degree.  After recovering she went back to school only to experience great difficulty.  She wrote me about one particular episode:

 “I just learned something new that I think will really help me.  My patriarchal blessing tells me over and over that I will influence people for good.  I haven’t been too effective at home, my Relief Society teaching is likely at an end, etc.  In my Spanish 4 and 5 class, however, they interviewed me and found I’d had a brain tumor.  They thought that meant I’d had cancer.  They think I’m a class heroine.  When I checked out of Spanish 5 (I could see that I couldn’t go on and get my B.A. without the ability to memorize), they wrote cards and called to get me to come back.  They saw me as someone who was persisting with life despite difficulties and I was a positive influence to them.  Sometimes we don’t understand the Lord’s reasoning or his timetable and we become discouraged, but there is hope in the future.  If you get discouraged, just remember your old mother got discouraged, too, before she saw answers.”

My mother did not get her degree even though she was just a few credits short of graduation.  In addition to her fellow students, my mother helped me through the trials I experienced on my mission.  I have referred to those two years as a university of life.  I learned more in those two years than at any other time in my life.  My mother helped me to learn some of those lessons.

The Signals We Send

Seventy-five years ago this month of May, the mighty German battleship Bismarck broke out in the Atlantic Ocean.  His mission (the ship's captain insisted that his ship should be referred to in the masculine rather than the traditional feminine) was to find and sink Allied convoys.  But this mission was quickly forgotten in the face of damage received during the Battle of the Denmark Strait; while Bismarck had sunk the most famous British warship, the battlecruiser Hood, she took a few hits from the battleship Prince of Wales which damaged a fuel-oil tank in his bow, and this led to a decision to make port in France.

The German battleship was shadowed by two British cruisers, Suffolk and Norfolk, as she raced east across the Atlantic toward the Bay of Biscay.  The intent of the British ships was not to engage Bismarck in another battle, but to track him by radar until another force of British battleships could close in for another major battle.  But at one point the German battleship circled around the British cruisers, breaking contact.  Ironically, the German sailors might not have been aware that they had broken contact, for not long after they sent a long radio message to fleet commanders ashore, and this helped the British find Bismarck again.

While the British had lost radar contact, it is likely that Bismarck was still detecting the radar signals from a British ship.  Radar, short for radio detection and ranging, transmits short radio pulses which are reflected when they hit an object like a ship or an airplane.  Some of the reflected energy is then received by the ship that sent the pulse, and this allows a reading of range and bearing to be taken.  The hitch is that the pulses have to be strong because only a fraction of the radiated energy would form an echo that the radar could detect.

Because the radar pulses must be rather strong, it is possible that those pulses were detected by receiving equipment aboard the German battleship, even though the echo was too weak to be caught by the British radar at the increased range following Bismarck's circle maneuver.  The cruisers were almost 125 miles (200 km) astern of the battleship when the message was sent -- the British battleships were actually closer, so it is possible the radar pulses came from them instead of from Suffolk and Norfolk.

The long message was picked up by two British listening stations which allowed a search aircraft to find the German battleship.  The sighting then led to an air attack by torpedo bombers launched from the aircraft carrier Ark Royal, and a one in a million torpedo hit disabled Bismarck's rudder, and this allowed the battleships King George V and Rodney to find and sink the German battleship.

A greater threat than German surface raiders, even one as powerful as Bismarck, were the u-boats which prowled the convoy routes across the Atlantic.  The two weapons which helped defeat the U-boat peril were radar and high frequency direction finding (HF/DF, also known as "Huff Duff").  By using antennas at different locations, Huff Duff received a radio transmission at different angles and used the differences to determine a bearing to the transmitter.  What made Huff Duff so successful during the war was the speed with which it could determine the bearing to a u-boat transmitting a radio message; this allowed allied warships to locate and attack the enemy submarine.

The battle of the laboratories continued during the Cold War, and the U.S. Navy spent a lot of effort on what it called "emissions control," or EMCON.  The purpose of EMCON was to prevent the Soviets from homing in on the radar and radio transmissions of U.S. Navy ships.  EMCON could be as simple as turning everything off, radar, radio and any other equipment that emitted an electronic signal.  During World War II, the Germans developed a radar detector and such detection equipment became more sophisticated during the Cold War, to the point that it was no longer necessary to use radar to search for the enemy as you could track him through his electronic emissions -- assuming that he had not turned everything off.

Since the end of the Cold War, there has been another wave of technological progress with wireless communications.  Rear Admiral William Leigher, USN, a veteran cryptologist who recently carried the title "director of warfare integration for information dominance," stated in a 2013 interview that the electronic emissions problem is significantly greater now than it was in the past.

“It’s not as simple as EMCON that I might have done in the mid-’80s or early 90s,” Leigher warned.  For one, you can't just turn everything off because you need your sensors to detect incoming missiles and your jammers to disable them.  In the future, suggested Leigher, instead of shutting systems down to avoid detection, a Navy ship might deliberately change the signals it emits to make the enemy think that it is something else -- during World War II, the allies tricked German u-boat commanders into turning their detectors off by suggesting that aircraft could home in on its signal.

Fascinating as all of this is, I'm sure there are many of you who are wondering just what it has to do with anything.  As humans, with or without the aid of electronics, we are always emitting something.  People see us and hear us, and we send signals through body language as well as through the things that we say -- or even the things that we don't say.  Social media allows us to interact with people around the world, even people we don't know -- even people that we are not aware of.  We might try a form of EMCON by avoiding people, on social media or in person, but that would leave us isolated and, in any case, probably wouldn't actually work.  Even when we keep to ourselves we are sending out signals.

It would be more useful, then, to take a look at what we are emitting.  Through our body language and our words we may signal happiness and friendship, generosity and other good things, or we may signal anger, suspicion, selfishness, immodesty, etc.  We may signal other things via social media by what we choose to post, or what we choose to like or share.

In recent efforts by members of the LDS Church to share the gospel via social media, people have been using the hashtag "sharegoodness".  We can share goodness, or we can share things that are less than good.  We may even share goodness on the one hand, while also sharing some not so good things on the other, in which case we are sending mixed signals that may serve to confuse.

When Alma the Younger started his mission to the Zoramites, he took along with him Amulek, Zeezrom and two of his sons.  One of these sons left his mission to chase after a harlot; Alma later said to this son, "Behold, O my son, how great iniquity ye brought upon the Zoramites; for when they saw your conduct they would not believe in my words" (Alma 39:11)

Alma went on to say, "And now the Spirit of the Lord doth say unto me: Command thy children to do good. lest they lead away the hearts of many people to destruction" (Alma 39:12).

People are watching us, whether we like it or not.  If they see in us a good example, they may become interested in learning more about the church.  If they see in us a bad example, they may be less likely to become interested.

We might think that we can hide behind the anonymity offered by social media, but we would likely be deluding ourselves.  Some seek to hid their identity as they post certain thoughts, quotes or photos, while at the same time broadcasting that they are active LDS.  Even if their identity is never discovered, these actions are mostly likely just as damaging.

We, of course, are human, and we will make mistakes -- and there are those who will deliberately seek to push our buttons in order to accuse us of hypocrisy -- but let us strive to be a good example, let us strive to share goodness.  Let us be ever mindful of the signals we send when we post, like or share things on social media.

--

Sources:

Freeberg, S. J. (2013) "Navy Battles Cyber Threats: Thumb Drives, Wireless Hacking, & China." Breaking Defense.  Accessed September 10, 2014 at: http://breakingdefense.com/2013/04/navy-cyber-threats-thumb-drives-wireless-hacking-china/

Zettering, N. & Tamelander, M. (2009). Bismarck: The Final Days of Germany's Greatest Battleship. Philadelphia: Casemate Publishers.

Reading Out Loud

As I have posted before, I work in a call center.  Today one of the callers I spoke with paid me one of the best compliments I have received in a while.  She said right off that I had an excellent phone voice and finished the call by saying that I had missed my calling and that I should be doing voice overs or narrating documentaries.  The irony is that I have actually dreamed about narrating historical documentaries!

In fact, I will tell you just how weird I am; I often read history books out loud, pretending that I am the narrator of a documentary.  Some books, on certain subjects, just seem to call out to be read out loud.  But, if that is not weird enough for you, I have spent hours upon hours in public parks, reading books out loud!  I hope you are not frightened by this startling revelation.

But here is the unexpected part of the story; all of that reading out loud actually prepared me for the job I currently have.

There was a time in my life when I had somehow gotten the notion into my head that I had a communication problem.  I think it was because I left my job with the family business after ten years and started working for other people.  I became rather self conscious about my quiet personality and my occasional stumbling over words.  It got to the point that, when asked in job interviews if I had any weaknesses, I would answer that I had a communication problem.  Hey, I had to be honest!

As long as I believed I had a problem, then, in a way, I did.  In fact, my problem was that I believed I had a problem.  One summer I took a sales job just to prove that I could do it; a low pressure sales approach with a product that all but sold itself.  What I found out was that I do not have a communication problem -- also, stumbling over the occasional word might actually put the customer at ease, thus helping to make the sale!

Those job interviews taught me something else: if don't want the job, a great way to end the interview is to tell them you have a communication problem.  Translation: "I have no self confidence."  Trust me, no hiring manager will give you a second thought after you tell them that.  As a result of this, I was out of work for a number of years; and I had plenty of time to sit in public parks and read out loud.

I read recently a quote from President Thomas S. Monson -- and, yes, I did read it out loud -- on how to improve communication skills:

"1. Improve your vocabulary by keeping a dictionary available when reading or writing.  Check words about which you have a question to see if your understanding of their meaning is the same as the dictionary definition.  The listening vocabulary should be greater than the one you use to speak or write so you can learn on a higher level than that on which you speak or write.

"2. Read aloud (as a drill) when the opportunity to do so presents itself.  This strengthens the voice and makes it more clear.  It helps the reader to enunciate words more clearly, carefully, and naturally.  It helps to prevent speech mannerisms and monotonous patterns because the reader has an opportunity to use other people's word combinations. The reader should also practice voice inflection and develop a wider range of tones to make the voice more interesting."

Another quote from President Monson also applies:

"Reading 'out of the best books' stretches our mental muscles and expands our horizons.  It takes us out of our mundane worlds and lets us travel as far as our imaginations and the picture painting words of the authors can carry us.  Reading keeps us vibrant, it keeps us alive and makes us far more interesting to our marriage mates and our families.  It is also a form of insurance against mental aging.  We are only as old as we think we are.  Some people say that one way to keep alive is to keep interested in many things, and the way to keep interested is to read widely and wisely."

So read, read out loud, read out strong . . . sorry, I had to say it.

Here are some other benefits of reading out loud, according to Stephanie Ciccarelli: doing so "sharpens your focus, increases your vocabulary, results in greater comprehension, gives you an opportunity to play, exercises your body, challenges your use of intonation, and improves listening and reading skills."

When I was still in high school, an older gentleman once saw me reading at a bus stop.  He asked me if I liked to write.  When I said that I did, he said something I have carried with me ever since.  The more we read, the better we will write, and the more we write, the better we will read.  This is absolutely correct.  If you want to improve your ability to communicate, read and write and write and read, and read out loud.


Sources:

Cannegieter, L F. (2011). Teachings of Thomas S. Monson. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

Ciccarelli, S. (2008) "7 Way Reading Aloud Improves and Enriches Your Life." Vox Daily, accessed at Voices.com on 5/02/2016.  http://blogs.voices.com/voxdaily/2008/11/7_ways_reading_aloud_improves_your_life.html

Friendship and the Cues From Our Senses

When you do a Google search for the meaning of love or friendship, you can be pretty sure something has gone wrong somewhere.  Love and friendship are not mysterious forces that require a lot of study and investigation.  Rather, love and friendship are simple, practical, and down to earth.  As Rabbi Shais Taub put it:

"Our hearts take cues from our senses. Everything we see, hear, taste, touch or smell teaches us about our universe. We don’t need to contemplate or ask questions. Our sensory organs report to our brains, and our brains interpret the data and send the report to our hearts. So, if we see a loving smile, hear loving words, or feel a loving touch, the brain processes this information and concludes, 'Hey, we are being loved right now!' In short, when we are loved, there is tangible proof. It’s not an abstract thought or feeling, it’s concrete and evidenced."

More to the point, love and friendship are actions.  If we love someone, or if we are a friend, then we will act in a certain way.  We act with kindness and compassion, we lift and support those that we care about.

Elder Robert D. Hales, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints defined friendship this way: "Friends are people who make it easier to live the gospel of Jesus Christ."

Sister Elaine S. Dalton expanded on that definition when she wrote, "In this sense, seeking another person’s highest good is the essence of true friendship. It is putting someone else first. It is being strictly honest, loyal, and chaste in every action. Perhaps it is the word commitment that unlocks the real meaning of friendship." She went on to add that "True friends influence those with whom they associate to 'rise a little higher [and] be a little better.'

Perhaps we wonder sometimes what love and friendship really are because, in fact, they are really so simple.  This is the case, certainly, when people we thought were our friends do something, well, unfriendly.

I did not have many friends growing up, but I thought for certain that I did have one friend.  In one of my earliest memories I can recall knocking on the door of the home next to mine and asking to meet the boy who lived there.  Life had not yet taught me to play it safe.  But a few years later I was blindsided on the playground by the boy I thought was my best friend.  I recall running around the school playground with my friend and a few other boys when, to my complete surprise, he turned suddenly to ask "Can't you take a hint?"

It dawned on me that there was a reason I had been the "tail end Charlie" in this unusual game at recess, they were trying to ditch me.  What I didn't understand was why.

A few weeks after that incident on the playground, I stood at the back of the lunch line, listening as another boy told my former best friend about something he did with his family.  I knew then why my friend had dumped me, I was boring.  I did not have any cool stories to tell.

Perhaps surprisingly, when a new boy moved into the neighborhood a few years later, I was still bold enough to knock on his door.  We were friends, but somehow I never really trusted the situation. Or maybe it was just never the same as the friendship I had lost.  Over the years I learned that it was safer to keep to myself, and I began to suppress any instinct to be outgoing.

By my ninth grade year I had become completely shy and reserved.  I did not think that I had any friends, only acquaintances.  It could have been different, however, as there were many who would say "Hi" to me in the halls at school.  But the best I could do was respond with a smile.  I wanted friends so badly, but I told myself that I did not know how to make friends.

It helped to meet knew people in high school the following year.  I found that I could at least respond with more than just a smile when someone said "Hi" to me.  Then, one day, a girl approached me in the foyer during the lunch break.  She was a cheerleader who had recently won an election to be a student body officer, so I knew who she was, which made it all the more surprising that she was talking to me.  It was no less surprising when she approached me again a few days later.  By reaching out to me, this friend gave me a great gift, the confidence to once more be outgoing.

Three months later I started the new school year with a plan.  Instead of waiting for others to say "Hi" to me, I was going to take the initiative and be the first to "Hi" to them.  It seems such a simple thing as I look back on it, but by "small and simple things are great things brought to pass."  This simple thing seemed to unlock the gate to a very different high school experience.  As I took the initiative, other people reached out to me, giving me more people to take the initiative with.  In a matter of weeks my world had changed completely as I found myself part of a large group of friends.

It was wonderful, and yet, I could not fully trust it.  Nor could I fully understand it.  Part of the problem is that, while I could overcome shyness, I could not completely change my quiet personality.  At first I was happy to bask in the light of my new friends, but the day would come when that was no longer enough.  I knew that I needed my friends but I found myself wondering if they needed me.  I had suppressed my instincts so long that I began to question something that did not need to be questioned.

As noted, I had a quiet personality, so I usually said little as I spent time around my friends.  "Around" seemed to be the appropriate word as I felt stuck out on the periphery of the action.  Little by little I began to sink back into shyness.

Because of all those years when I did not have friends, I told myself that I did not have the opportunity to learn important social skills.  Feeling backward, I began to wonder just what friendship really was.  But there were moments when my heart took cues from my senses and I knew that I was accepted and that I really did have friends.

In recent years I have found myself once more asking what friendship is.  I felt blindsided by an old friend who did something I considered to be unfriendly, something that went against everything I thought I had learned about love and friendship.  (Love has many degrees, from the "love of all mankind" at one end to the love you have for your soulmate, your one and only, etc. at the other, and with many degrees in between.)

As the song says, "silence like a cancer grows." A wall was built, and I found myself building other walls. Not knowing the rules, I retired behind my walls, once more shy and reserved.  I went silent and ran deep. I began to question everything, and I did not know where to stop. I knew nothing, I understood nothing.

My heart took cues from my senses; something had gone wrong, very wrong.  My old friend was not who I thought they were.  Because, in the end, the concepts of love and friendship are really very simple.

As Sister Dalton pointed out, "The Savior called His disciples His friends. He said:

“'This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

“'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

“'Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.

“'Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.'”

Sister Dalton then concluded: "As you live and share the gospel of Jesus Christ, you will attract people to you who will want to be your friend -- not just a contact on a social media site but the kind of friend the Savior exemplified by His words and His example. As you strive to be a friend to others and to let your light shine forth, your influence will bless the lives of many with whom you associate.

"I know that as you focus on being a friend to others, as defined by prophets and the examples in the scriptures, you will be happy and you will be an influence for good in the world and will one day receive the glorious promise mentioned in the scriptures about true friendship: 'That same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory.'”


Sources:

http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1577531/jewish/What-Is-Love.htm

https://www.lds.org/youth/article/what-is-a-true-friend?lang=eng

Missionary Prep: Finding People to Teach

No, this is not going to be a discussion on tracting, street contacting, or working with members to get referrals -- though I might point out that while converts can be found from tracting (I found two), getting referrals from members is the way to go as referrals lead to more converts than tracting.  Rather, this post is about finding people to teach mock discussions to, for those doing missionary prep as a DIY project, or whose prep program does not offer the opportunity.  Randy L. Bott, a former mission president, has this suggestion:

"Home teaching is the most often overlooked teaching opportunity.  At least once a month, young men have the opportunity to teach in a situation that parallels the missionary experience more closely than any other.  You and your companion visit a family to teach them the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Remarkable!  But what if your senior companion always teaches the lesson?  Well, why don't you shock him by volunteering to teach the next one?  If he is hesitant (which he won't be), remind him that you are trying to develop your teaching skills for your mission."

You might start off just teaching from the First Presidency message in the Ensign, but ask your companion if you can also teach one, two or even all of the discussions -- this will also give you experience in lesson planning.  "You would be light years ahead of other missionaries," writes Randy Bott, "if you could enter the MTC with the experience of teaching all [five] discussions.  You would know what questions to ask your MTC instructors, and you would know your strengths and weaknesses.  As you teach you will be more motivated to learn the scriptures and doctrines as you discuss sacred things with others."  Young women can have this same opportunity through Visiting teaching, though phone contacting is sometimes permitted if visits are hard to schedule.

Teaching mock discussions will have many benefits.  "Many missionaries," write Bott, "are shy and lack confidence in their ability to teach effectively.  These skills can be strengthened a great deal with a little experience.  Month after month you will see different reactions to different teaching styles.  You will need to adjust your style to meet people's needs rather then expecting others to accommodate your style.  Encourage them to ask questions so you will develop skills in answering.  The moment of truth is when you ask them to evaluate your teaching.  If they are honest, they will have some suggestions in areas where you might improve."

If you feel ready to teach more often than once a month, you might try talking to other families in your ward, at church or on the phone, and asking them if you could teach them a discussion.  This will give you some experience in contacting people and setting appointments.  "These people love you and want you to succeed," writes Bott.  Well, some of them might at least, like your parents.  In any case,  "They will be much more patient than many investigators who haven't developed those feelings of closeness.  Try to change your weaknesses into strengths before you leave."

If you find the idea of teaching your home teaching families, or other families in the ward daunting, perhaps the best place to start is in your own home, during family home evening.  "It is difficult for Mom and Dad to always teach the lesson," writes Bott.  "What a pleasant surprise (more like shock!) if you volunteer to teach regularly.  If you start early enough, you will gain adequate experience in teaching almost all the gospel principles in a friendly setting before being thrust into a sometimes hostile environment.  Do yourself a favor and learn how to teach."

Another teaching opportunity you might seek would be to volunteer to teach a class at church.  Missionaries often have the opportunity to teach investigators who attend church in a gospel principles class during Sunday School.  Missionaries called to serve teaching in a foreign language sometimes teach English classes.  There are still other opportunities for teaching such as "at youth conferences, firesides, and discussion groups."

"Although you may feel afraid or anxious about teaching others," writes Bott, "you should realize that you have something worthwhile to say.  Choose a topic relevant to the audience you are addressing.  Try to get them involved by asking and answering questions and making observations.  You will soon discover how difficult it is to carry the entire load yourself.  When everyone is involved, teaching becomes enjoyable.  Don't ever turn down an opportunity to speak, because preparation forces us to learn.  Also, the challenge of teaching allows us to grow."




Source: Bott, R. L. (1995). Prepare with Honor: Helps for Future Missionaries. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book.

CSJ Week 4: To Be Like Thee!

February 10, 1988

I made it to California okay.  I love my mission president, he is so cool.

Before my group got off the plane, we all switched name tags; I was wearing Elder November's tag and was the first to meet President Douglas.  He called each of us by the names on the tags we were wearing, until he got to a Hispanic elder wearing a tag with name of Juliet on it.

"That can't be right," he said, and then he proceeded to match, from memory, our faces with the pictures we had all mailed to the mission office before we entered the MTC -- "You're elder Juliet, you're Elder November and you must be Elder Cox."  And then he laughed this great and wonderful laugh, and I knew right then that I was going to love my mission president.

From the airport we went to the mission office for a quick tour, then over to the mission home for a nap, lunch, orientation, interviews with President Douglas, more orientation, dinner, a testimony meeting and then a good night's sleep.  After breakfast the next morning, we had some more orientation before meeting our trainers and heading off to our respective areas.

At the testimony meeting, I picked up another new favorite hymn, "With Humble Heart."  I was particularly struck by the end of the second verse and the beginning of the third.

Help me remember, I implore  
Thou gav'st thy life on Calvary,  
That I might live forevermore  
And grow, dear Lord, to be like thee.
 
To be like thee! I lift my eyes,  
From earth below toward heaven above,  
That I may learn from vaulted skies
How I my worthiness can prove.

Too be like the Savior!  To think that as I serve Him here in California that I can grow to be like Him.  Wow!

In any case, we arrived in my first area, bought a bike, some food, some bed sheets, and moved in.  So, I bet you are wondering where I am.  I live in a four-man flat with my trainer, Elder Golf, our district leader Elder Four and his companion Elder Lima.  Elder Golf is from Kingman, Arizona -- my second comp in a row from Arizona -- Elder Four is from Calgary, Canada, and Elder Lima is from, get this, Bountiful!  Grounds and I are on bikes, but the good thing about our area is that it is flat.

So, where am I?  One thing out here that is interesting is that P-day is on Wednesday, which is why it took so long for me to write this letter.

On Saturday we went to a stake baptism and then to a dinner appointment with the family in our ward who the baptism was for.  On Sunday our ward mission leader gave us a ride to church -- the chapel is at the far end of our area -- and his wife invited us to dinner afterward -- she also invited a neighbor to dinner.

My comp was sick on Monday and Tuesday.  I read the entire book of Luke on Tuesday, which was great.

We played basketball this morning, and I didn't do too bad.  Later we did some sightseeing around town.  Even on P-day, when we are out and about town, we have to dress in our suits and ties.

Getting back to last week, on Friday we went tracting.  We didn't get in any doors, but there were a few door approaches where I thought I did a good job.

Elder Golf took the first couple and then it was my turn.  We were on this U-shaped street with several houses on the long side and just two on the short side.  My door came on the last house when the lady of the house answered.  She stuck her head of the window above the door and asked who we were.  She wasn’t interested and so we moved on.  As we were walking around the house to where we had left our bikes we suddenly realized that we had knocked on the back door!

More tracting on Saturday, but this time it was different.  On each of the doors when it was my turn to give the approach, I barely got one word out before the man or woman of the house cut me off.  Still, not one of them slammed the door in our faces; Californians, it seems, are just too polite to do that.

On Monday, we started out on our bikes, but my comp's pace was slower than usual -- I had no trouble keeping up with him that morning, which was definitely unusual.  My comp led us in a short loop that took us right back to the flat.

Oh, by the way, I'm in Palo Alto!  It is a great area.  I'm in the Stanford District, serving in the Palo Alto II ward of the Menlo Park Stake.  Everyone here has got money; we see a lot of BMWs and Mercedes Benzes, even some Italian sports cars.  The highest tithe paying ward is in this stake.

On my first night we drove up onto the Stanford Campus.  On the main entrance road my companion asks me to name the street, which lined on both sides by palm trees.  Unsurprisingly, the name of the street is Palm Avenue.

Well, life is good.  I'll write again soon.  I miss everyone.

CSJ Week 3: "Stay out of Your Comfort Zone"

February 2, 1988

I'm doing my laundry right now; we get a half-day P-day before we take off tomorrow.  The past two days have been full of goodbyes and picture taking.

Saturday was Missionary Day.  During the morning I was a “member” that missionaries would stop by and make a member presentation to.  In the afternoon Elder Flake and I went “tracting.”  We taught a first discussion, made some member presentations, and got rejected at a door.  It was great.  But after teaching that discussion I didn’t have much energy for teaching another one.

The second counselor in our branch presidency said to me on Sunday that there comes a time every now and then when we have to leave our comfort zones.  It is time now for me to leave my comfort zone here.  He also counseled me to always strive to stay out of my comfort zone as a missionary by working hard continually and taking on new challenges.

On Monday we said good bye to the sisters in our district as well as to our afternoon teacher.  On our afternoon walk around the MTC we had a snowball fight, as we often did.  Tuesday morning we went for one last walk with our morning teacher.  Two or three snowballs were thrown, but that was it.  We crossed the street to where there was a good view of the temple and we all took pictures of the group with the temple in the background.  We took a photo of our morning teacher with all of our cameras around his neck as if he was a Japanese tourist.

It was hard to fight back the tears as we said goodbye to our morning teacher today.  It is hard to believe that we could all become friends so quickly, all in just three short weeks.

It is going to be tough leaving here tomorrow, but it is time for me to move on.  I am excited to go; I can't wait to get to San Jose.

We have been doing a lot of hymn singing in the last three weeks, at the beginning and end of every meeting, and I have been collecting some new favorites such as "I Believe in Christ" and "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief."  You need to sing all seven verses of the latter to get the full impact; we did that yesterday morning at the end of our morning class and my heart was full.  Last night, as I lay in bed, I sang all seven verses in my head and I got a little misty when I got to the last two

Today I got a care package from a friend from high school, and it was great to hear from him.  I think I have changed some in the last three weeks, for as I read his note I again got a little misty.  Some things seem to mean so much more now.

I will write again soon from California.  Life is Good!

Don't Ever Stop Partaking

Two different speakers during the Sunday morning session of the April 2016 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints referred to Lehi's dream, which is recorded in 1 Nephi 8 in the Book of Mormon.

In his dream, Lehi followed a man dressed in a white robe through a dark and dreary waste.  "And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies."  After he finished praying he saw a large an spacious field, and it that field there was a tree "whose fruit was desirable to make one happy."

Lehi went and partook of the fruit, "and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted.  Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen."  As he partook of the fruit, Lehi was filled with so much joy he desired that his family should also partake of it.

He looked around him and saw a river of water which passed near the tree, then he saw his wife and his sons Nephi and Sam.  He beckoned to them, and they came and partook of the fruit.  Then he saw his two older sons, Laman and Lemuel and beckoned to them, but they did not come unto the tree and partake.

"And I beheld a rod of iron, and it extended along the bank of the river, and led to the tree by which I stood.  And I also beheld a strait and narrow patch, which came along by the rod of iron, even to the tree by which I stood, and it also led by the head of the fountain, unto a large and spacious field, as if it had been a world."

In his dream, Lehi saw "numberless concourses of people" following the path to the tree only to wander off and lose their way when a mist of darkness arose.  A second group of people was more fortunate because of the rod of iron next to the path, which the people did cling to as they pressed forward through the darkness.  These people were able to reach the tree and partake of the fruit, but then things went wrong for them; "they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed."  Why did they do this?

In his dream, Lehi saw a "great and spacious building" in which there were people who "were in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers towards those who had come . . . and were partaking of the fruit."  The people of the second group then "fell away into forbidden paths and were lost."  They had partaken of the fruit, "which was most desirable of all other fruit", yet they were unable, or unwilling, to "endure to the end."

Lehi then saw a third group which not only reached the tree successfully, but which also did not fall away after partaking of the fruit.  These people had pressed "forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree."  Elder Kevin S. Hamilton of the Seventy said in the October 2013 General Conference that "The rod of iron represented for this group of people the only safety and security that they could find, and they held fast continually; they refused to let go, even for something as simple as a Sunday afternoon ride in the country."

Elder Hamilton then quoted Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve in regard to this third group: "The key phrase in this verse is 'continually holding fast' to the rod of iron. . . .  Perhaps this third group of people consistently read and studied and searched the words of Christ. . . .  This is the group you and I should strive to join."

In the April 2016 General Conference, Bishop W. Christopher Waddell, the second counselor in the Presiding Bishopric, noted two statements about the different groups that had reached the tree.  The second group reached the tree, partook of the fruit, but then cast their eyes about in shame.  Lehi said that "after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost."

The third group had continued to partake of the fruit.  The great multitude which had entered the great and spacious building "did point the finger of scorn at me and those that were partaking of the fruit also; but we heeded them not."

The second group "had tasted," but the third group "were partaking."  At one point those of the second group had stopped partaking.  Because they had stopped partaking of the fruit, they were vulnerable in way that those who were continuing to partake were not.

After Lehi had finished telling his family about this dream, Nephi desired to know more about what his father had seen.  With faith that the Lord would give him the answers he sought, he sat pondering in his heart.  "I was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord, yea, into an exceedingly high mountain. . . .  And the Spirit said unto me: Behold, what desirest thou?  And I said: I desire to behold the things which my father saw."

In the vision that followed, the Spirit showed unto Nephi the tree and the rod of iron and many other things.  Nephi desired to know the interpretation of the these things.  The iron rod "was the word of God, which led to the fountain of living waters, or to the tree of life."  The tree "is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men: wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things. . . .  Yea, and the most joyous to the soul"

As Elder Bednar suggested, "Perhaps this third group of people consistently read and studied and searched the words of Christ."  They also continued to partake of the love of God.  They never stopped, they never let go of that which is the most joyous to the soul.

How do we partake of the love of God?  In his October 1999 General Conference address, Elder Neal A Maxwell said: "The tree of life . . . is the love of God.  The love of God for his children is most profoundly expressed in His gift of Jesus as our Redeemer.  'God so loved the world that he give his only begotten Son.'  To partake of the love of God is to partake of Jesus' Atonement and the emancipations and joys it can bring."

How to we partake of the Atonement? Through prayer, faith, repentance, baptism and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost -- and by remaining worthy of the Spirit's continued companionship by enduring to the end in righteousness.  We also partake by seeking to know the will of the Lord and then doing it.

As we consistently read, study and search, we should also consistently pray and listen.  When things get difficult, we need to continue reading, studying, searching, praying and listening.  We should never stop.

We should continue to cast our burdens before the Lord, and we should never forget that he is guiding us and helping us.  "Know ye not that ye are in the hands of God?  Know ye not that he hath all power?" (Mormon 5:23).  Adversity and the passage of time can weaken our faith, but we must resist these forces.  We must maintain our forward momentum.

Those brief respites from adversity, those seasons of joy, can also bring complacency, and this may be an even greater danger.  Having once tasted of the love of God, we cannot afford to become complacent, or to believe that, having been "saved" that our future is secure.  We must consistently press forward in faith and never stop partaking of the love of God.

"What Ever Happened to Rooting for Each Other?"

Throughout much of my life I have had a difficult time seeing myself as anything more than plain, shy, quiet and even boring.  Kids can be cruel, and during my first few years in elementary school it seemed that I was quickly labeled as weak and dumb.  I was rather skinny, which led to the nickname the "six million dollar weakling," and I was never much of a student.  This was the beginning of a negative self image that I have spent a lot of years trying to shake off.

In the April 1992 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Marvin J. Ashton of the Quorum of the Twelve compared the tongue to a sharp sword:

"When King David was pleading for mercy in the fifty-seventh Psalm, he cried: 'My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword.'

 "In the world today we are victims of many who use their tongues as sharp swords. The misuse of our tongues seems to add intrigue and destruction as the media and private persons indulge in this pastime. In the vernacular of the day, this destructive activity is called bashing. The dictionary reports that to bash is to strike with a heavy, crushing blow.

"Such a popular behavior is indulged in by far too many who bash a neighbor, a family member, a public servant, a community, a country, a church. It is alarming also how often we find children bashing parents and parents bashing children."

As noted, this talk was given in 1992.  The Internet and social media have only exacerbated the problem.  Later in the talk, Elder Ashton asked what the antidote is for bashing.  The answer is charity, the pure love of Christ.

"Charity is, perhaps, in many ways a misunderstood word. We often equate charity with visiting the sick, taking in casseroles to those in need, or sharing our excess with those who are less fortunate. But really, true charity is much, much more.

"Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. It makes the thought of being a basher repulsive.

"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other."

More recently, Al Fox Carraway, often referred to as the "Tattooed Mormon," wrote that this label resulted from the title of a post she wrote for her blog "In the Head of Al."  In her book More than the Tattooed Mormon she writes that she would rather be known as the "Happy Mormon," because of the joy the gospel of Jesus Christ has given her.  The label fits, for her joy and happiness are infectious.

In another blog post, Al Carraway wrote:

"I just don't understand why it’s so hard to be respectful to people on social media (and in general). I don’t know why it’s so hard to notice and praise people’s efforts, even if those efforts seem small to you. Why are we so quick to point out their wrong doings and even quicker to comment about it publicly on their pages? Why are we so slow to help, uplift, and build up?

"Saying "I'm not judging, but..." IS judging and is SO hurtful and destructive to even the "strongest" of people. Never will there be a single reason that justifies negative towards anyone, especially those you don't know, even if you are “ just saying." Please, think before commenting, and if this is something you struggle with, please help by not commenting at all. The adversary is on all of us enough as it is, let’s not add any more weight to someone’s day and self worth.

"Because truly, the most important thing is that we are trying, especially if we aren’t there yet. Even if there is so much more you can be doing. Because no matter how small of steps you are taking to understand more, do better, and be more are the most important steps you can be taking and they do not go unnoticed by your Father in Heaven."

These thoughts, spoken in a more contemporary way, echoes what Elder Ashton expressed in his April 1992 conference address:

 "None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we’re trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other? . . .

 "Imagine what could happen in today’s world -- or in our own wards, or families, or priesthood quorums and auxiliaries -- if each of us would vow to cherish, watch over, and comfort one another. Imagine the possibilities! . . .

"If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care. . . .

"Let us open our arms to each other, accept each other for who we are, assume everyone is doing the best he or she can, and look for ways to help leave quiet messages of love and encouragement instead of being destructive with bashing."

This is also my hope.  Let us pray that we might be filled with charity. and let us give to others the compassion and understanding that we desire.


Sources:

The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword

I'm Not Judging, But...

Carraway, A. (2015). More than the Tattooed Mormon. Springville, UT: Ceder Fort, Inc.

The Best and Worst of Times

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."  That is how Charles Dickens starts his epic novel, A Tale of Two Cities.  The phrase also describes perfectly the summer of 1989 when I was in Santa Clara, California, serving as a full time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It was the best of times because I was involved in teaching five people who chose to enter the waters of baptism.  It was the worst of times because of some challenges presented by the four companions I was assigned to serve with during those seven months.

I had been out a little bit more than a year when I was transferred to the Santa Clara II Ward in the West Valley Zone of the California San Jose Mission.  When I learned of the transfer, I was also informed that I would finally be a senior companion, meaning that I would be the one in charge.  Mormon missionaries, of course, are assigned in pairs; the senior of the two calls the shots, deciding which streets to tract – door-to-door contacting – and where to go and what to do.  The junior companion is supposed to go along and do what the senior companion wants, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

Some senior companions want to take it easy, which can be a challenge for a junior companion who wants to work hard.  At the same time, some junior companions can be difficult to motivate, which can cause some headaches for a senior companion who also wants to work hard.  I had been on the first side of that equation as a junior companion, and now I was to be on the other side.

The four companions I was assigned in Santa Clara each had some issues they were dealing with.  The first had been a senior companion only to find out that he would now be junior to me which, naturally, led to some negative feelings on his part.  The second was with me for the last two months of his mission, and he was still a junior companion, never having had the chance to be a senior.  He was a good missionary, but may have lacked the maturity needed to be a senior companion.

My third companion in Santa Clara also never had the chance to be a senior companion, but for a very different reason.  This missionary had some disciplinary issues, and during the month we were together, his mission teetered as if on the head of a pin.  In the month before he was transferred he had done something particularly egregious, and was almost sent home; instead, the mission president put him on probation.  For days and weeks my companion debated with himself whether to stay or go home.  In the meantime, while I gave him a taste of hard work, I didn’t want to work so hard that he would feel like calling it quits  He ended up staying, and completing his mission, but that might have been the most difficult month of my mission.

My last companion in that area had been with me in the Missionary Training Center, and he was another missionary who never had the chance to be a senior companion.  This elder – the title given to male Mormon missionaries – had a reputation of working as hard, or as little, as his senior companion, but by the time he was assigned to me I think he had given up and was just biding his time until he could go home.  It also seemed that I did not have the same authority, if you will, as his previous companions because we had both been out on our missions for the same amount of time.

The first companion of the four, while understandably frustrated at being demoted, was willing to work.  More importantly, we were able to teach a young girl and her family.  The baptism age for children born in the church is eight; when a child turns nine and has not been baptized, they need to at least meet with the missionaries before they can be baptized.  We taught not just this girl, but her entire family, which proved to be a blessing for all.

My next companion and I taught another nine-year-old girl.  We also tracted into – found while door knocking – an older woman that we taught.  She said she had been baptized as a young girl in Hawaii, but a search in Salt Lake City did not find her records.  Therefore, she was baptized again.  Then we started teaching the friend of one of the ward members who might have been called a dry Mormon – just add water.

My third companion in Santa Clara and I had one teaching appointment with our new investigator and then the member who gave us the referral went on vacation for a few weeks.  As it turned out, by the time we next taught our dry Mormon, I had another companion.  After he was baptized, the bishop of the ward gave us another referral, this time to a part member couple.  The husband was interested in coming back to the church while his wife was investigating the church.

This really was the best and the worst.  While it proved to be a challenge, the wife did eventually choose to be baptized, which was one of the best moments of my mission.  But my companion at the time was another challenge.  I tried several different things to motivate him, or to at least get him out of the apartment so we could go to work, but found little success.  I did not put the blame for this on my companion, at least not all of it.  I was the senior companion, I was responsible.  In losing momentum on my mission, I began to lose confidence, and soon fell into the depths of depression.

I can still remember the disappointment on my mission president’s face as I took responsibility for the lack of work in my area.  I was in my seventh month, and in my third month with my fourth companion in that area.  I was tired and defeated.  I could have put the blame on my companion, but I didn’t, I took it all on myself.  I was senior and ultimately, I felt, it was my responsibility.  At the same time, by being able to stay for that seventh month, I was there for my final baptism, which was truly a wonderful note to go out on.

At the end of that month I was transferred out, and in my next area I would start as a junior companion.  Now I found myself in the same position as my first companion in Santa Clara.  I am sure I felt some of the same emotions he did, but I decided to quietly accept my demotion.  While my companions in Santa Clara had presented challenges, I made my own choices, and some of them were not as good as others.  Perhaps not everything that happened in that area was my responsibility alone, but enough of them were that I felt my demotion was appropriate.

Two months later, I was a senior companion again, and I had a junior companion willing to work has hard as I wanted to.  Both of us were of a mind to stretch ourselves to do more, to work an hour or two longer each day than we were already working.  After two more months I was on my way home.  In the end, I was able to finish my mission on my own terms, as it were.  Though we didn't find many people to teach in my last two months, we worked hard and, as noted, stretched ourselves, which brought its own satisfaction.

Sometimes we are called upon to endure relatively brief challenges of great intensity; at other times we are called upon to endure unremitting difficulty lasting days, weeks, months or even years.  Regardless of the circumstance, and the nature of the difficulty, it is best to press forward in faith, to "gird up [our] loins, fresh courage take," and to remind ourselves that "our God will never us forsake."

Our Heavenly Father may not immediately relieve us of the challenges we are facing, instead he may strengthen us to carry the load.  When the challenge is finally over, we may be able to look back and appreciate how the experience has changed us, hopefully for the better.  That is, after all, the purpose of our sojourn through mortality, to learn and grown and become more like our Heavenly Father.

CSJ Week 2: Trouble in Paradise

January 27, 1988

Life is great here at the MTC.  It's hard to believe I've been here two weeks already.  One more left.

About my comp, he's a big guy from Arizona.  About all he ever talks about are the relationships he had with girls back home.  He tried to get to know me, but every time I started talking, it seemed, he interrupted me with his own story.  Sometimes this guy really drives me bananas.  I'm doing all I can, I just don't know how to deal with him sometimes.  There are times, however, when things are good.

Last Wednesday, my comp and I had a big argument. We went to meet the new Laei District for which my companion was acting DL, and he told these missionaries that Laei would be their first district in the mission field. Because I am joined at the hip with Elder Fox (figuratively speaking) I attended the same ADL orientation meeting he did and read the same material that was handed out. I have no idea where he got this idea from, and I contradicted him in front of the new district. Big mistake.

We then took the district over to our branch meeting room to meet with the second counselor of the branch. We left them there and returned to our class room. On the way Elder Fox [names have been changed to protect the innocent] said something about not being able to believe what I said. I don’t remember exactly how he said it. Initially I thought he was referring to a joke I had just made in the branch meeting room. He clarified that he was talking about my contradicting him on whether Laei would be the new missionaries district when they got to Hawaii. I then compounded my error by saying “Well, they’re not going to Laei as their first district. That’s just the name of the district here.”

“No, Laei will be their first district.”

“No it won’t,” I said. “Their mission president couldn’t have called the MTC and told them where their first district was going to be. He doesn’t know that yet. In any case, three of them are going to different missions than the rest. And for all we know, Laei isn’t big enough to be a district.”

We walked into class arguing. It wasn’t long before I started feeling guilty. I suddenly remembered my brother telling the prep class that we should never contradict our companions in front of others. I had just done exactly that, and now I was feeling low.

Fox and I went out into the hallway and he apologized. I was the one who should have. He said he was trying to impress the new district, and he said he was wrong. This just made things worse for me and I struggled for something to say. I forgave him and we went back into class. I missed the opportunity to apologize for what I had done.

Then there was this morning   He starts getting up at 4:45 so we can go to the temple, but I didn't want to go.  I'm concentrating so much on my mission that I guess I'm not into the spirit of temple work right now.  Last week I went but I couldn't get into the spirit of the whole thing.  Last night, when our district was talking about going to the temple to do sealings, my companion didn't ask whether I wanted to go or not.  This morning he didn't say anything until he was ready to go, and I said that I'd rather not go.  So we didn't go.

At 6:30 I was up and ready to go to breakfast, but my companion had gone back to sleep.  I woke him up and mentioned breakfast and he said he wasn't hungry.  I couldn't believe it, that he would do that just to get even.  He then proceeded to sleep until 10:30.

Now, you don't have to tell me I was in the wrong this morning, I already know that, but I did not do it to spite him.

One minute things are great, but the next there is a little contention between us.  It's getting hard to tell which end is up.  I don't know what to do.

I get a long great with my other roommates and the rest of my district, they are a great bunch of guys.

Last night, after the weekly devotional we had our weekly culture class.  We talked about labeling and did an exercise where we each got a label to put on our foreheads; we didn’t know what our label said.  We were supposed to do to each other what the labels said.  Everybody started arguing with me, and afterward I learned that my label said “ARGUE WITH ME.”

We then watched a film about a third grade class that did an experiment where one day blue eyed people were designated as superior and brown eyed people were designated as inferior.  The following day they switched.  But what made the biggest impression on me was when I related this all to my past.  I was labeled inferior in first grade because I was skinny (I was called “The Six Million Dollar Weakling) and had to wear Sunday shoes because I had crows feet or something like that.  It took me almost ten years to beat that.  Even now I am haunted by my past on occasion.

The spirit is so strong here it is incredible, I'm learning a lot.  The food is pretty good and I am eating well.  Ever since my first Friday here I just haven't had time to get homesick.

Saducees, Not Pharisees

I read a very interesting piece yesterday on the Sadducees, the Pharisees, and the opposition to Jesus.  It is a chapter in a book on the life and teachings of Christ by Jeffrey R. Chadwick; the book is a compilation of chapters written by different authors.

Chadwick suggests that it was the Sadducees rather than the Pharisees that as a group "represented a significant and imminent threat to Jesus' life or liberty."  While there were some Pharisees that opposed Jesus on some matters, as a group the Pharisees were generally benign regarding him.  "But the chief priests and Sadducees despised Him and felt threatened by Him for reasons that were doctrinal, economic, and political," writes Chadwick.  "These are the men who conceived and carried out the plot that led to Jesus' death."

The Sadducees were the elite priestly part of Jerusalem, and were descendants of the Zadokites.  Zadok was the Aaronic priest loyal to David and Solomon, and appointed by Solomon to be the high priest at the Jerusalem temple.  The family of Zadok became the clan of Aaronic priests who, generation after generation , perpetually managed the temple in Jerusalem.  The Greek term Sadducee most likely represents the Hebrew work tzaddoki, or Zadokite.

Joseph Caiaphas, who held the office of high priest, was a Sadducee, even if he was not a Zadokite by lineage.  Most of the high priests in the first century were from on of four Sadducean families, one of which was the house of Annas.  Annas was the father-in-law of Caiaphas.  Since Hellenistic times, the office of high priest had often been bought from whatever monarch or governor happened to be ruling -- to include the Roman governors.  Caiaphas paid the Roman governor Valerius Gratus a large fee to obtain the office of high priest in 18. A.D. and continued to pay to remain in the position when Pontius Pilate became governor in 26 A.D.

"The relationship of Caiaphas and the other chief priests and Sadducees to the Roman governor was essentially that of collaborator to occupier," writes Chadwick.  "This arrangement worked well for both Rome and the chief priests and Sadducees.  The local government functions of Jerusalem and Judea, from legislation and taxation to police control, were under the control of the chief priests as executives and certain 'elders' or aldermen appointed by them.   The high priest himself reported directly to the Roman governor, who exercised overall executive discretion for security, military control, and capital punishment."

"Thus," continues Chadwick, "Caiaphas could order the arrest of Jesus and preside over a trial to convict Him of a crime for which execution was the punishment, but only Pontius Pilate could mandate that Roman soldiers be present at the arrest and carry out a capital sentence.  Still, by any measure, the chief priests, elders, and Sadducees in general were allies of the Roman occupiers of Judea.  They were resented by a great many of the common Jews of the country as well as by other Aaronic priests who served at the Jerusalem temple.

The Sanhedrin was the Judean senate, and assembly of 70 Jewish "elders" or aldermen, and the only place where the chief priests and the Sadducees shared their control of Judea.  The Sanhedrin, which was initiated during the second temple period, was presided over by the high priest, bringing the total number of senate seats to 71, an operated as the local governing assembly for Judea.  Positions on the Sanhedrin were alloted by monarchs or governors, after which they were of hereditary.  During the reign of Hasmonian queen Salmome Alexandra, Pharisees were appointed in large numbers to the Sanhedrin, and thereafter constituted a majority vote in the body.  However, the Sadducees could get around the Pharisee majority by calling a quorum of Sadducees, often a little more than 23 members, which has been referred to as a "small Sanhedrin.

Other than the Sadducees, twenty-four courses or clans of Aaronic priests served at the temple.  The members of these 24 clans served voluntarily, and gained no wealth from their temple activity.  The Sadducees, on the other hand, made their living at the management of the temple and the industries associated with its rituals and purity.  The chief priests control the franchises for merchants who traded in goods used at the temple, for those who sold sacrificial animals and birds, and for the money changers who provided coinage acceptable for donations at the temple treasury.  "When Jesus cast out the money changers and animal sellers from the temple courts during his first visit to the temple at the beginning of His public ministry," writes Chadwick, "He was not only challenging the authority of the chief priests but also interfering with their source of income."

In stark contrast to the financial activities of the Sadducees and chief priests, stood the students of the scriptures known as the Pharisees.  "When the information available about them from the New Testament and other sources is carefully considered," writes Chadwick, "we see clearly that many of the Pharisees were either respectfully benign or enthusiastically supportive in their attitudes and actions toward Jesus.  It is unfortunate that the Pharisees have been so maligned in Christian commentary and conversation ove the centuries.  Too often, Christians have laid blame at the door of the Pharisees for events that were actually the doings of the Sadducees."

Of course, that doesn't mean that there were no Pharisees who opposed Jesus, but the Pharisees were not a monolithic movement, and they held different and often contradictory religious views even among themselves.  The term Pharisees comes from the Greek form of the Hebrew word perushim, which can be translated loosely as "separitists."  It also carries the connotation of being holy and can therefore be rendered as "saints."  The Pharisees emerged in the second century B.C (or B.C.E.), during the Hasmonian period, as opponents of the trend toward Hellenistic interpretation and influence in Jewish religious and social life.  They advocated that the Jewish people should remain holy by keeping themselves apart from the corrupting Gentile influences, which they believed had been the case during the centuries before the Hasmonian revolt.  As the Sadducees moved increasingly in the direction of Greco-Roman philosophy and religion (such as denying the physical resurrection), the Pharisees became strong advocates for the traditional, biblical teachings and practices that had prevailed in the centuries after the return from Babylon.  These were the "traditions of the elders" that the Pharisees wished to preserve, including the notion that many of the traditions were actually an "oral law" given by God to supplement the "written law" received by Moses.

The Pharisee, as it turns out, did not always agree on just which tradition or "oral law" was actually correct.  This was because there were two different sects of Pharisees, or followings of the scholars Hillel and Shammai.  Hillel was a scholar who moved from Babylon to Jerusalem during the reign of Herod the Great, and became the most revered teacher of his time, recognized by consensus at nasi (president) of the diverse community of Pharisee scholars.  Hillel is said to have been active in his teaching from around 30 B.C. to 10 A.D.  Shammai was probably younger than Hillel and became the av bet din (chief of court, or vice president), also by consensus.  But Shammai stood in opposition to Hillel on many questions of interpretation and procedure about Mosaic law.  Based on the Talmud and other early Jewish sources, Shammai and his disciples represented only a minority of Pharisee opinion.  The Shammai were less concerned for average citizens than they were for the wealthy, and were more extreme in their interpretations of the law of Moses than Hillel and his supporters.

In a famous story, a Gentile asked Shammai to expound the entire law of Mose while he stood upon one foot, meaning he wanted a summary statement.  Shammai drove the Gentile away with a builders cubit, so he then went to Hillel.  Hillel answered the Gentile's request by saying, "Whatever is hateful to yourself, do to no other person -- this is the whole law, the rest is but commentary.  Now go and do it.  Hillel's "golden rule" was well known among the Jews during Jesus' lifetime and Jesus' "golden rule" is but a positive rephrasing" "Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets."  We can safely assume that Jesus was influenced to some degree by Hillel.

Hillel and Shammai established academies in Jerusalem where Pharisees and others could study scripture and the oral law (or traditions of the elders), beyt Hillel and beyt Shammai.  One significant difference between Hillel and Shammai that would play out during the ministry of Jesus, was on the question of Sabbath day healing.  The Shammai ruled that practicing the healing arts was not permitted on either the weekly Sabbath or the festival Sabbaths.  The Hillels took a more pragmatic view, however, that danger to life or health suspends the prohibitions of the Sabbath and that the healing arts were permissible.  Hillel himself had received medical care on the Sabbath when he was young.

Source:

Holzapfel, R. N. & Wayment, T. A., Ed. (2005). The Life and Teachings of Jesus Christ: Vol. I, From Bethlehem Through the Sermon on the Mount. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book -- Chapter 3, "The Jerusalem Temple, the Saducees, and the Opposition to Jesus" by Chadwick, J. R.