In June of 2019, I was offered a promotion at work to the position of trainer. A few weeks later, however, about a week before the promotion was to become effective, the site director/training manager informed me that there was going to be a four week delay to the promotion because they didn't have enough new agents for a full training class. The site director also said that he was committed to me being a trainer because I had earned it.
Four weeks later I approached the site director to get an update, and was told that everything was up in the air, but that a certain number of classes had been decided upon. Four or five weeks later, he said the same thing. A week or two later, the site director left the company -- without saying a single, solitary word to me!
A couple of weeks after that, the new training manager finally got around to telling me that the promotion offer had been withdrawn. He said it was not because of anything I did but because there was not a need for a trainer. Translation: It wasn't personal, it was business; also, they couldn't find enough trainees at the wage they were willing to pay. The thing is, I needed this promotion; I needed the experience, and I needed the increase in salary.
While this was not good news, it was better than being left in the dark, waiting and wondering. From mid-July to late October I was experiencing anxiety that seemed to be growing exponentially each week. I have been dealing with depression for most of my life, and I have certainly experienced anxiety, but nothing on the scale of what I was feeling in the fall of 2019.
I once compared depression to submarine stories that I have read. The boat is sinking, the captain gives the order "blow negative, full rise on the planes," the water is forced from the tanks and replaced by air, and yet the boat continues to sink. Yeah, that's depression.
Depression is not something where you just go cheer yourself up and you're good. It doesn't work that way. You work hard to climb out only to find something at the top that sends you spiraling back down into depression. You have righted your ship, only to be hit by another torpedo.
In October my wife hurt her knee; it turned out to be a partial MCL tear. She had surgery just before Thanksgiving. She had to miss six weeks of work, though she returned part time the last two weeks. At a time when I was already feeling broken, more weight was now falling on my shoulders and I was feeling overwhelmed. At a time when leaving that company would be a completely reasonable reaction to what happened with that promotion, I couldn't leave because my wife would be missing work for six weeks. On top of that, I would need to take care of her as she recovered. It was all too much.
So I stayed at my job, and I took care of my wife, and we got through it. But I was an emotional basket case, and still stunned at how things had played out at work. Whether by omission or commission, the effect is the same.
At the same time, I transitioned to working from home. While I had to stay in the short term while taking care of my wife, I wasn't certain that I could stay long term, and now I had to transition to working from home. Thankfully, that transition wasn't too difficult.
When the new training manger finally told me about the offer being withdrawn I asked him what the future looked liked as far as training. He said there was going to be one class, but it was to be by remote training via the internet. He was going to teach that class since he had experience with remote training. My experience was in a classroom setting.
Winter often seems like a time for discontent, and this year it seemed to be more of the same. I felt like an emotional basket case, but back in March I was trying to find a way forward. What happened with the promotion was in the past, and it was past time to leave it there. It was time to get rid of all expectations, to recognize that I did not need anyone's approval.
Frankly, I was also embarrassed. It is quite natural, after getting a promotion, to announce the news to family and friends. Having had the rug pulled out from under me, I didn't have the heart to talk about it for several weeks.
When suffering from depression we might be inclined to avoid people, yet we need someone to say "I love you. I am here for you. How can I help you? I want to understand. You are not a burden. You are not bad. You are not replaceable."
In October my wife hurt her knee; it turned out to be a partial MCL tear. She had surgery just before Thanksgiving. She had to miss six weeks of work, though she returned part time the last two weeks. At a time when I was already feeling broken, more weight was now falling on my shoulders and I was feeling overwhelmed. At a time when leaving that company would be a completely reasonable reaction to what happened with that promotion, I couldn't leave because my wife would be missing work for six weeks. On top of that, I would need to take care of her as she recovered. It was all too much.
So I stayed at my job, and I took care of my wife, and we got through it. But I was an emotional basket case, and still stunned at how things had played out at work. Whether by omission or commission, the effect is the same.
At the same time, I transitioned to working from home. While I had to stay in the short term while taking care of my wife, I wasn't certain that I could stay long term, and now I had to transition to working from home. Thankfully, that transition wasn't too difficult.
When the new training manger finally told me about the offer being withdrawn I asked him what the future looked liked as far as training. He said there was going to be one class, but it was to be by remote training via the internet. He was going to teach that class since he had experience with remote training. My experience was in a classroom setting.
Winter often seems like a time for discontent, and this year it seemed to be more of the same. I felt like an emotional basket case, but back in March I was trying to find a way forward. What happened with the promotion was in the past, and it was past time to leave it there. It was time to get rid of all expectations, to recognize that I did not need anyone's approval.
And then the pandemic arrived. The stress increased with my job as agents still working in brick and mortar offices were sent home and at home agents like me had to pick up the slack. Meanwhile, more people were calling due to the pandemic to get essential over the counter supplies like hand sanitizer, which were not available. My stress and anxiety went through the roof.
Yet, with so many stuck at home, unable to work, and worrying about how they were going to pay the bills, at least I was working and getting paid. Since my wife was working in a care center, her job was considered essential, so both of us were working. At a time like that, such a blessing should not be underappreciated.
While it didn't seem like it at the time, it was a good thing I stayed at this job, and that I transitioned to working from home. Had I done the completely reasonable and understandable thing and left that company to find another job I could very well be out of work right now.
But there is more to my story. On a Friday night in April, my lower back started hurting. I went to bed and suddenly I started shaking and I couldn't stop until I got up to take some ibuprofen. When I woke up I thought I had the flu. I tried to get a lot of rest but I wasn't getting better, and I felt like I couldn't go to the pharmacy to pick up my insulin. That's when things started spiraling. By Wednesday night I was super weak, couldn't eat, and was having trouble breathing. So we called 911.
They sent an ambulance, which took me to the hospital. The diagnosis: Ketoacidosis, which can happen if you miss even a few doses of insulin. Next time I'm sick and need to pick up an prescription, I'll ask someone to go get it for me. I can to be slow at times in asking for help. I think it is also possible that all that stress and anxiety from work at least contributed to my diabetes getting out of control enough that I landed in the hospital for a couple of days.
After an experience like that, you try to have a new lease of life, a new attitude. After two weeks I went back to work and my new attitude didn't survive even the first week. While things had calmed down at work, and I was experiencing less anxiety, my job can still be toxic with angry callers and an oblivious management. Every shift seems like a day spent at the scene of the crime.
I was feeling lost and alone, isolated behind the reef that seems to separate me from my friends. I felt like I didn't even know what friendship was anymore. My ideas of what I wanted friendship to be appeared to be out of touch with the world I live in. I didn't seem to fit in anywhere, to belong anywhere. There are moments even now when I still have those feelings.
In July 1945, when Winston Churchill's party lost an election and his premiership ended, his wife suggested that it could be a blessing in disguise. Winston responded with a quip about the blessing being very well disguised. I think I understand better this concept of a very well disguised blessing.
Yet, with so many stuck at home, unable to work, and worrying about how they were going to pay the bills, at least I was working and getting paid. Since my wife was working in a care center, her job was considered essential, so both of us were working. At a time like that, such a blessing should not be underappreciated.
While it didn't seem like it at the time, it was a good thing I stayed at this job, and that I transitioned to working from home. Had I done the completely reasonable and understandable thing and left that company to find another job I could very well be out of work right now.
But there is more to my story. On a Friday night in April, my lower back started hurting. I went to bed and suddenly I started shaking and I couldn't stop until I got up to take some ibuprofen. When I woke up I thought I had the flu. I tried to get a lot of rest but I wasn't getting better, and I felt like I couldn't go to the pharmacy to pick up my insulin. That's when things started spiraling. By Wednesday night I was super weak, couldn't eat, and was having trouble breathing. So we called 911.
They sent an ambulance, which took me to the hospital. The diagnosis: Ketoacidosis, which can happen if you miss even a few doses of insulin. Next time I'm sick and need to pick up an prescription, I'll ask someone to go get it for me. I can to be slow at times in asking for help. I think it is also possible that all that stress and anxiety from work at least contributed to my diabetes getting out of control enough that I landed in the hospital for a couple of days.
After an experience like that, you try to have a new lease of life, a new attitude. After two weeks I went back to work and my new attitude didn't survive even the first week. While things had calmed down at work, and I was experiencing less anxiety, my job can still be toxic with angry callers and an oblivious management. Every shift seems like a day spent at the scene of the crime.
I was feeling lost and alone, isolated behind the reef that seems to separate me from my friends. I felt like I didn't even know what friendship was anymore. My ideas of what I wanted friendship to be appeared to be out of touch with the world I live in. I didn't seem to fit in anywhere, to belong anywhere. There are moments even now when I still have those feelings.
In July 1945, when Winston Churchill's party lost an election and his premiership ended, his wife suggested that it could be a blessing in disguise. Winston responded with a quip about the blessing being very well disguised. I think I understand better this concept of a very well disguised blessing.
A friend recently wrote about some of the struggles they have experienced. She asked others why they did not seem to have similar things happening to them and they replied with something to the effect of "they don't allow it." I responded to this by saying I don't know what that phrase means. I can control how I react to the bad things that happen. I can control what I tell myself about what happened. I cannot control what other people do or don't do. Perhaps they are really saying "they don't allow it to control them." She answered by saying that she was learning not to internalize things.
I do not need to internalize, either. I should not internalize. Regarding an old friend that cut me out of her life, what she did says nothing about me. I sought to make amends. Later I sought to make peace. I did what I could. She made her choice.
What my employer did also says nothing. My employer badly handled the promotion offer and withdrawal. I did nothing wrong.
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