I first referred to Mary as the Heartbreaker, because she did break my heart when she canceled on the junior prom. I should like to change that, for she was always a sweet angel, even when she did something that caused me pain. When I told her that I felt sick when I saw her in the halls after she canceled, she said that she also felt sick because she knew she had hurt me, and she was so completely genuine that I had no trouble believing her. If Julie was a Unicorn, then Mary was an Angel.
While I thought that I loved Julie, I eventually learned that I did not, for I never really put her happiness ahead of my own. While I was attracted to Mary, I did not think that I was ever in love with her, but I wonder. It could be said that, in choosing to respect her decision regarding the dance, that I put her happiness before my own. Could it be, then, that I loved the girl that I thought I did not love?
I could ask the same thing about Evelyn, who, at times, was also an angel. While I did not have a good time at the dance I took this Third Girl too, through no fault of hers, I did my best to hide it, and I did it for her. I could have taken Evelyn aside to tell her what was going on, but I thought that might ruin her evening -- again, who wants to hear that their date is having a miserable time because they are thinking about someone else?
Though I did eventually tell Evelyn about it, she did not appear to be upset. Over the next few weeks she would be a very good friend when I needed one. I would tell myself that while I could have fallen for her, I stopped myself from doing so because of my decision to wait until after my mission. But, again, I wonder.
Certainly I cared for Mary and Evelyn as friends, even as I may have hoped that someday there could be more. But if not, I knew that I would be okay. As much as I tried to find that kind of peace regarding Julie, I never succeeded, at least not until the recent realization of her status as my unicorn.
Evelyn and I would talk a few times between graduation and my departure for my LDS mission. We seemed to become closer as friends. She told me that summer that she wanted to go on a mission but, as the minimum age for sister missionaries at that time was still 21, she would have a few years to wait. If she were to serve, she would be leaving about the same time I was returning, give or take a few months, and I thought it would be interesting if I ended up waiting for her.
Alas, I started dating another angel, a girl I met in one of my classes because she sat in front of me. I took her to play miniature golf on our first date. After completing the round, we found a place to sit and talk. Unlike with any of the other girls I would take out on a date, I had no trouble talking with this angel. It went so well that I asked her out a few more times.
After I made the decision to wait until after my mission to have a girlfriend, there were a few times where I at least entertained the notion of changing my mind, usually when I took a girl to a dance. Each time I would decide that it wasn't really what I wanted. But, after just a few dates with this new girl, I found myself asking her to be my girl! She thought about it and said that she didn't think she was ready, and I was a little relieved because I still had a mission to serve. She agreed to write me, but said she was not going to wait for me.
Fast forward a couple of years to my triumphant return. I started dating the girl who said she did not wait for me only to find it was not so easy to start that relationship I had been waiting so long for. I also found out that Evelyn was married, but I did not have any difficulty moving on. At one point I paid Mary a visit, to catch up, and to see if there might be anything there. We would always be friends, but probably not more than that. Eventually, I married that girl who said she did not wait for me.
Years later I would run into Mary and her new husband. I could not have been happier for her. She was the sweet angel I had always known. She may even have apologized, once more, for canceling on the prom.
Last summer, this sweet angel lost her battle with cancer, leaving behind a husband and two daughters. When I heard the news my heart broke. I was surprised that her passing affected me so deeply, I must have cared for her more than I realized. And so I wonder, could I have loved her even when I thought that I did not? Is it possible to be in love without realizing it? Is it possible to move forward in life, loving others, and still be at least a tiny bit in love?
Now, I love my wife, we have been together many years. She is, in fact, the only girl I have ever kissed. She is also the only girl who liked me as much as I liked her. I want so much for her to be happy, and it breaks my heart a little any time that she is not. No marriage is perfect, and "happily ever after" may not be possible in this life, but we can live "after the manner of happiness" as we work together through the challenges we face. I love her, and I always will.
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