When you do a Google search for the meaning of love or friendship, you can be pretty sure something has gone wrong somewhere. Love and friendship are not mysterious forces that require a lot of study and investigation. Rather, love and friendship are simple, practical, and down to earth. As Rabbi Shais Taub put it:
"Our hearts take cues from our senses. Everything we see, hear, taste, touch or smell teaches us about our universe. We don’t need to contemplate or ask questions. Our sensory organs report to our brains, and our brains interpret the data and send the report to our hearts. So, if we see a loving smile, hear loving words, or feel a loving touch, the brain processes this information and concludes, 'Hey, we are being loved right now!' In short, when we are loved, there is tangible proof. It’s not an abstract thought or feeling, it’s concrete and evidenced."
More to the point, love and friendship are actions. If we love someone, or if we are a friend, then we will act in a certain way. We act with kindness and compassion, we lift and support those that we care about.
Elder Robert D. Hales, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints defined friendship this way: "Friends are people who make it easier to live the gospel of Jesus Christ."
Sister Elaine S. Dalton expanded on that definition when she wrote, "In this sense, seeking another person’s highest good is the essence of true friendship. It is putting someone else first. It is being strictly honest, loyal, and chaste in every action. Perhaps it is the word commitment that unlocks the real meaning of friendship." She went on to add that "True friends influence those with whom they associate to 'rise a little higher [and] be a little better.'
Perhaps we wonder sometimes what love and friendship really are because, in fact, they are really so simple. This is the case, certainly, when people we thought were our friends do something, well, unfriendly.
I did not have many friends growing up, but I thought for certain that I did have one friend. In one of my earliest memories I can recall knocking on the door of the home next to mine and asking to meet the boy who lived there. Life had not yet taught me to play it safe. But a few years later I was blindsided on the playground by the boy I thought was my best friend. I recall running around the school playground with my friend and a few other boys when, to my complete surprise, he turned suddenly to ask "Can't you take a hint?"
It dawned on me that there was a reason I had been the "tail end Charlie" in this unusual game at recess, they were trying to ditch me. What I didn't understand was why.
A few weeks after that incident on the playground, I stood at the back of the lunch line, listening as another boy told my former best friend about something he did with his family. I knew then why my friend had dumped me, I was boring. I did not have any cool stories to tell.
Perhaps surprisingly, when a new boy moved into the neighborhood a few years later, I was still bold enough to knock on his door. We were friends, but somehow I never really trusted the situation. Or maybe it was just never the same as the friendship I had lost. Over the years I learned that it was safer to keep to myself, and I began to suppress any instinct to be outgoing.
By my ninth grade year I had become completely shy and reserved. I did not think that I had any friends, only acquaintances. It could have been different, however, as there were many who would say "Hi" to me in the halls at school. But the best I could do was respond with a smile. I wanted friends so badly, but I told myself that I did not know how to make friends.
It helped to meet knew people in high school the following year. I found that I could at least respond with more than just a smile when someone said "Hi" to me. Then, one day, a girl approached me in the foyer during the lunch break. She was a cheerleader who had recently won an election to be a student body officer, so I knew who she was, which made it all the more surprising that she was talking to me. It was no less surprising when she approached me again a few days later. By reaching out to me, this friend gave me a great gift, the confidence to once more be outgoing.
Three months later I started the new school year with a plan. Instead of waiting for others to say "Hi" to me, I was going to take the initiative and be the first to "Hi" to them. It seems such a simple thing as I look back on it, but by "small and simple things are great things brought to pass." This simple thing seemed to unlock the gate to a very different high school experience. As I took the initiative, other people reached out to me, giving me more people to take the initiative with. In a matter of weeks my world had changed completely as I found myself part of a large group of friends.
It was wonderful, and yet, I could not fully trust it. Nor could I fully understand it. Part of the problem is that, while I could overcome shyness, I could not completely change my quiet personality. At first I was happy to bask in the light of my new friends, but the day would come when that was no longer enough. I knew that I needed my friends but I found myself wondering if they needed me. I had suppressed my instincts so long that I began to question something that did not need to be questioned.
As noted, I had a quiet personality, so I usually said little as I spent time around my friends. "Around" seemed to be the appropriate word as I felt stuck out on the periphery of the action. Little by little I began to sink back into shyness.
Because of all those years when I did not have friends, I told myself that I did not have the opportunity to learn important social skills. Feeling backward, I began to wonder just what friendship really was. But there were moments when my heart took cues from my senses and I knew that I was accepted and that I really did have friends.
In recent years I have found myself once more asking what friendship is. I felt blindsided by an old friend who did something I considered to be unfriendly, something that went against everything I thought I had learned about love and friendship. (Love has many degrees, from the "love of all mankind" at one end to the love you have for your soulmate, your one and only, etc. at the other, and with many degrees in between.)
As the song says, "silence like a cancer grows." A wall was built, and I found myself building other walls. Not knowing the rules, I retired behind my walls, once more shy and reserved. I went silent and ran deep. I began to question everything, and I did not know where to stop. I knew nothing, I understood nothing.
My heart took cues from my senses; something had gone wrong, very wrong. My old friend was not who I thought they were. Because, in the end, the concepts of love and friendship are really very simple.
As Sister Dalton pointed out, "The Savior called His disciples His friends. He said:
“'This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
“'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
“'Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
“'Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.'”
Sister Dalton then concluded: "As you live and share the gospel of Jesus Christ, you will attract people to you who will want to be your friend -- not just a contact on a social media site but the kind of friend the Savior exemplified by His words and His example. As you strive to be a friend to others and to let your light shine forth, your influence will bless the lives of many with whom you associate.
"I know that as you focus on being a friend to others, as defined by prophets and the examples in the scriptures, you will be happy and you will be an influence for good in the world and will one day receive the glorious promise mentioned in the scriptures about true friendship: 'That same sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory.'”
Sources:
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1577531/jewish/What-Is-Love.htm
https://www.lds.org/youth/article/what-is-a-true-friend?lang=eng
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