Sometimes it can be a good idea to slow down in missionary work. Had Elder Friend (yes, that really was his name) and I been in too much of a hurry on this day, we would have missed finding this lady who would become the second person I participated in teaching who was subsequently baptized.
We knocked on this door with a no soliciting sign. Typically we did not knock on doors with no soliciting signs, but we did knock on this one -- stay in tune with the spirit so you catch the prompting to break the routine. We waited about a minute but no one answered. So we started off toward the next house, which was across the street on the next corner. I lagged behind a bit to close the gate to this house’s yard.
As I turned to follow my companion, I happened to look back at the front door of this house, and in that moment I saw that someone had finally answered it. I looked at Elder Friend and saw that he was stepping onto the curb across the street. I signaled the person at the door to wait and then tried to get my companion’s attention. Elder Friend, by now realizing that I was not catching up, turned around, saw me and then saw the person at the door. He turned around and came back and we went up to the doorstep. I gave the approach and this lady let us in.
As we sat down in her living room, this lady mentioned that her back was giving her trouble. My companion talked to her about priesthood blessings and we ended up giving her one. Then we taught her the first discussion; she was very receptive and also very open. She agreed with most of the things we talked about. We got her phone number and were going call her to set up a return appointment.
About a week later we called Elizabeth to set up an appointment for the second discussion. We asked her if she had started reading The Book of Mormon. She said that she had and that she knew it was true! I am not able, even now, to describe the joy I felt when I heard that.
A few days later we taught her the second discussion and committed her to pray about a date for baptism. A week and a half later we were surprised to see Elizabeth at church -- if I recall correctly, an invitation to church typically followed the third discussion, which taught about the Sacrament.
Despite these pleasant surprises, we occasionally had some difficulty getting a hold of Elizabeth. One day we were ten minutes early for a teaching appointment with her and we hopped over for what we hoped was a quick visit with Trudy – who lived like a block away – but we were twenty minutes late getting back to Elizabeth’s and she did not answer the door.
Nonetheless, we were surprised again, after not teaching her for a couple of weeks, to see Elizabeth at church a second time. Now we just needed to finish the rest of the discussions. I felt certain that we could baptize her before another month had passed. Two days later we taught Elizabeth the third discussion and set a date for baptism.
When we taught her the fourth discussion a few days later we ran into a problem over the Word of Wisdom. Elizabeth would not commit to giving up coffee. She said she only had coffee three or four times a year for health reasons; she said it is better than eating when you have gastritis. She could not promise that she would never have another cup of coffee. That was very discouraging.
In any case, when we went back to teach Elizabeth the fifth discussion she did not have any more concerns and we were able to resolve her concerns from the fourth discussion. But we had to push back her baptism date about a week. We also gave her another priesthood blessing.
We had a member of the ward fellowshipping Elizabeth and he was doing a great job. She had called him a few times and had also told him that she was determined to be baptized. This is the only church that she had attended and felt comfortable with. She felt that the members there were very kind. Oh, what joy I felt when I heard that, and with it came tears -- a rarity for me.
Elizabeth came to church for a third time on the date we had originally set for her baptism, so everything looked good for the following Sunday. That is, except for exactly where we were going to hold the baptism. The water heater for the font at the stake center had not been replaced and we were calling every member in the area that had a pool – baptizing in the ocean was not allowed. We taught Elizabeth the sixth discussion on Thursday, but we were still having trouble finding a pool for Sunday. As it turned out, we had to delay the ceremony until the following Tuesday.
On Sunday, Elizabeth came to church for a fourth time. This was unprecedented! In my experience, investigators typically only came the required two times before their baptisms.
Tuesday was the day transfer calls came out, and we found out that my companion was being transferred. Fortunately for Elder Friend, we had the ceremony that night.
At 6:00 p.m. we went to Elizabeth’s and she followed us in her car to the member’s home, the one with the pool. The service went great as Elder Friend baptized her and I confirmed her – after baptizing Trudy, I decided that I didn’t need to be the one doing the actual baptism and was quite happy to allow others to have the honor.
The member who was fellowshipping Elizabeth was supposed to give the talk on the Holy Ghost but he never showed, so I volunteered to wing it. There was one hiccup as my companion and Elizabeth were getting out of the pool after the baptism; she slipped and fell on a wet spot. But compared with my first baptism, this one was rather uneventful. Still, one of the ward members commented to me about the safety factor of my baptisms.
The next morning we took my companion to meet the transfer van and later in the day returned to pick up my new companion. So that was pretty good timing for Elder Friend. I thought we had a pretty good companionship, this elder and I. We worked hard and we had more things going on than I had with my previous companions.
We were also tested, as most of the appointments we set ended up canceling on us. Elder Friend was discouraged one day, and he said that his previous areas had been better. I said that he should count his blessings, as he could be in Palo Alto, my previous area, which was extremely slow. We persevered, and we were blessed, not only with the baptism of Elizabeth, but with other things.
In many companionships, each elder has things they do that the other could potentially find annoying and Elder Friend and I certainly had those. I thought that, for the most part however, we were more than just companions, but also friends. I still look back on those two months as a happy time.
June 22, 1988
Trudy was released from the hospital on Wednesday, June 15. We stopped by her place on Thursday and showed her a video, Nephi and the Brass Plates.
In the afternoon I went on a bike ride with Elder Tango up to Marina. Our purpose was to check on a contact but they were not at home. Suddenly I started to feel a little bit sick, I was looking it too, or so Tango said. We stopped by to see some members who live in the same trailer park as the contact we tried to visit. They gave me an apple and that really hit the spot.
We started back to Seaside and somewhere on the bike path between the two towns and west of Fort Ord and the freeway, my new bike, which I have hardly ridden, suffered a mechanical failure. One of the pedal struts came loose and I could no longer peddle. The trail we were on is full of little hills which complicated our return home. Tango towed me along the flats and down the hills, but I had to walk up the hills. Naturally, it took us quite some time to get home.
In the evening I went on team-ups with Tango and stake missionaries from the Marina ward – which, by the way, is called the Seaside Ward, while the Seaside ward which Elder Spandau and I cover is called the Carmel Ward. First we had a scripture study class with a new member, then we went on to Fort Ord to give a member presentation. Fun day!
We went on to Fort Ord twice on Friday. First Spandau and I went to check on a referral, who was not at home. In the evening we went on team ups with a stake missionary who is in the Army and assigned to Fort Ord -- which greatly simplified getting on the base. We went to a barracks to see an investigator but he was off base as part of a funeral detail.
On Saturday, we drove over to Salinas for interviews with President Douglas. I was up first and I talked about Trudy and the improvement here over Palo Alto. On the way back to Seaside we hopped over to Carmel Valley and stopped at the Talbot tie factory outlet store. I bought two ties for about two bucks. They are what might be called “B-unit” ties. Originally worth as much as $80.00, a tiny flaw reduced them to a buck apiece. In the evening we visited a member and then checked on a referral that was not at home.
On Sunday, Elder Tango and I filled the font at the stake center for two different baptisms. First the elders from Salinas, followed by the sister missionaries in our district. During the second ceremony, while the participants changed after the baptism itself, the sisters showed a new video called Together Forever. Wow, what a great video!
On Monday, Spandau gave me the opportunity to plan our work for the day. I picked out three streets to tract in the morning, and we got a call back. In the evening we had a dinner appointment out in Carmel Valley. We showed our hosts the video Together Forever after dinner.
We taught Trudy the third and fourth discussions on Tuesday morning. It went very well and all systems are go for her baptism on the twenty-six. This truly is a spectator sport. It is the spirit that converts and it is awesome to be here to see it happen. How did I get so lucky? We have another appointment scheduled for Thursday to teach Trudy the fifth and sixth discussions. Her interview is scheduled for Saturday.
The transfer calls went out while we were back at the flat having lunch. Spandau is being transferred to Belmont-San Mateo up in the San Francisco zone. My new companion will be Elder Friend who will be the senior companion. We took the rest of the day off so Spandau could pack and get ready.
Early this morning we drove up to Salinas to meet the transfer van. The van's first stop in always in Salinas where it picks up a small U-Haul trailer for the luggage. Late in the afternoon, the van returns to Salinas and drops of the trailer before making its last stop in Watsonville, if necessary. So, we had to wait all day for the van to come back with Elder Friend. We hung around with Elder Juliett, who has been called to be a trainer and a district leader. Wow, from junior comp to DL in one transfer, that's impressive, but not really surprising.
Anyway, we played some basketball and did some other stuff while waiting for the transfer van's afternoon stop. When Elder Friend finally arrived, we drove back down to Seaside to get him settled in. He seems like a cool guy, and we have already found a common interest -- airplanes.
Tomorrow we will be teaching Trudy the fifth and sixth discussions and she will have her baptismal interview with Elder Tango on Saturday.
---
June 29, 1988
We taught Trudy the fifth and sixth discussions on Thursday and set up a baptism interview for Saturday. In the afternoon, we were at K-Mart for a few hours to get a new battery for the car. We had to make a few calls to the mission office to get the purchase approved.
Friday morning, we tracted a few streets. We had a half hour teach with a man we tracted into. He had some interesting ideas, but seemed teachable. In the afternoon, I took Elder Friend around to meet some members. In the evening we went on team-ups with a stake missionary and went on to Fort Ord. We were going to teach an investigator the fifth discussion, but he was not at his barracks. We ended up giving a short presentation on the Book of Mormon to the soldiers on CQ duty.
On Saturday morning, we started tracting Noche Buena Avenue. This street runs north and south, the length of Seaside, and it is also just a block east of our apartment complex. We can get a lot of tracting in without putting any miles on the car, brilliant! Anyway, we got a few call backs which look promising. In the afternoon we did a service project, moving some stuff out of a member's home. Trudy had her interview at 4:00, and it went well. After that, Elder Friend and I cleaned the font at the stake center.
In the evening, we stopped by to see Trudy and go over the baptism program with her. Trudy has asked me to do the honors, though I was her third choice. The first two were the elders that found her before my arrival here in Seaside, but they could not get permission to come down for the baptism.
We attended our church meetings on Sunday morning, and then had our correlation meeting with the ward mission leader. We started filling the font at 2:30. We were filling buckets with hot water from the kitchen and dumping them in the font, because the water heater for the font has died, but we eventually ran out of hot water, so we had to finish filling the font with cold water.
The service started at 4:30, after we took pictures in front of the stake center of Trudy and I in our baptismal whites. After the talk on baptism, I led Trudy into the water, which was ice cold! Trudy let out a shriek, and everybody laughed. Then I baptized her -- okay, I had to do it twice because her leg came up the first time. Trudy was having some trouble catching her breath because she was very cold. We had to calm her down before we could continue. After we changed clothes, Elder Friend did the confirmation.
This was supposed to be a happy occasion, but I was feeling a little ambivalent, because it appears that Trudy's conversion happened before I got here. Also, because of my last companion watching TV at a members home, I didn't feel worthy of this blessing. It did not help matters that I had to baptize her twice and, even worse, that I dropped her both times!
We continued tracting Noche Buena Ave. on Monday, and did most of the street in 4 1/2 hours. We got some call backs and set up four appointments for Tuesday. We also got in one door and taught a first discussion. The lady we taught was sincere, open, and teachable. She wanted to read the Book of Mormon and agreed with most of the things we talked about. I think we can baptize her.
The thing is, we almost missed out on teaching her. First, there was a no soliciting sign on her house, and we typically skip such homes. Next, there was no answer when we knocked on the door, and after about a minute we started off toward the next house. I lagged behind to close the gate to the yard, and that's when this lady answered the door.
I looked at Friend and saw that he was stepping onto the curb across the street. I signaled the person at the door to wait and then tried to get Friend’s attention. Friend was by now realizing that I was not catching up, he turned around, saw me and then saw the person at the door. He turned around and came back and we went up to the doorstep. I gave the approach and this lady let us in.
As we sat down in her living room, this lady mentioned that her back was giving her trouble. Friend talked to her about priesthood blessings and we ended up giving her one. Then we taught her the first discussion. Her name is Elizabeth and, as I said, I think we can baptize her.
On Tuesday, we went to the four appointments we set up on Monday, and got dogged by all of them! There is nothing like getting excited for a possible teaching appointment only to get stood up by the contact.
Today we went out to the tide pools in Pacific Grove with Elder Tango and his companion and the sister missionaries. Later we drove down to the beach in Carmel by the Sea. In the mail today I got a letter from Geoff, in which he basically ripped me a new one because of my negative attitude. He specifically told me that I am not unique because of my challenges, but because of other reasons.
I think I can see what he means. My companion has been having some money issues this week, Elder Tango is often frustrated by his companion, who himself has some health issues and other things that he is dealing with. I am determined to keep this new perspective. My faith will survive the challenges and trials ahead and I will put my past behind me. No longer will I be intimidated by others; no longer will I let my discouragements get the best of me.
I should be grateful to have been involved in the baptism of Trudy. It is the spirit that converts, not us, so what does it matter if her conversion happened before I got here? For whatever reason, it was decided that she should be taught the discussions a second time, and I was here for that. Heck, think of Friend who showed up in time for the last two discussions and the baptism itself. He does not appear to be bothered by the fact that he did not get here sooner.
Life is Good!
A 2006 Gallup Poll showed that 80 percent of Americans rated the moral condition of our country as fair or poor and thought it was worsening. Recent events may have served to highlight the decline in America's moral condition, and there are already calls for more rules and regulations. While new laws may be appropriate, by themselves they will not be enough; even the greatest of walls can be undermined by a lack of character and integrity.
The Great Wall of China was supposed to be impenetrable, yet during the first hundred years of its existence, China was invaded three times. The wall was never torn down, nor was it scaled by invading armies; instead gatekeepers allowed the invaders to enter after accepting a bribe. The Chinese had banked on the physical integrity of the formidable stone walls but had overlooked the moral integrity of their soldiers.
A few years ago, I came across a TED talk given by a retired Navy admiral named James Stavridis. The former NATO supreme commander showed an image from the World War I battlefield of Verdun. Referring to the trenches of the Great War, the Maginot Line of World War II, and the battle of Stalingrad during the same war, he argued that “walls don't work.” Despite this fact, he noted that we have continued to build walls, including the Iron Curtain and the Berlin Wall of the Cold War. The admiral could have included the Great Wall of China as discussed above.
Another wall that did not work, was the “hedge” or “fence” which Jewish leaders built around the Law of Moses. By building this “wall” the elders hoped to develop a system of rules and interpretations that would keep people as far from sin as possible. The Law of Moses was intended to point the Children of Israel toward the Savior, but instead, with additions, it became extremely burdensome.
It is not the intent of this blog to argue politics. As with the Chinese and their soldiers, our first line of defense is not the "walls" of commandments, rules or laws, but is rather our personal integrity and character. Character underpins our humanity; ultimately it defines us as individuals and has a significant impact on motivation and performance. Indeed, character is the foundation of all decision-making.
Integrity is a vital component of an individual's character; the word comes from the Latin integritas, which referred to the quality of a Roman Legionnaire's armor. With integrity, all was possible in battle and all was whole. Absent integrity, there was vulnerability; indeed, there would be a "disintegrity" or disintegration.
We might also consider the barges which the brother of Jared was commanded to build, they were to be "tight like unto a dish" or "watertight." In discussing how effectively watertight a ship or submarine is they use the term "watertight integrity." If all of the hatches and openings are closed to the sea, and if all the hatches to the interior compartments are closed and dogged shut, then the watertight integrity is good. If even one hatch or opening is left open it can doom a submarine.
In May 1939, the submarine USS Squalus sank to the bottom of Long Island Sound when her main induction valve -- which drew in air for the engines when on the surface -- was stuck open. Quick action by the crew prevented the forward compartments from flooding, allowing 33 men to be rescued.
It seems, however, that no matter how strong we are, or how much character and integrity we have, there is always room for improvement. No matter how much we have learned or how much we have progressed, we are still human and continue to fall short of perfection because of our weaknesses and inadequacies. There is clearly a gap between reality and the ideals we strive to live by. We strive, we stretch, we reach, and still we fall short.
President Thomas S. Monson often said that “decisions determine destiny.” In May 1968, he said, “Perhaps the word 'character' best describes one who is true to himself. For character takes no account of what you are thought to be, but what you are.” President Monson went on to say, “Character is having an inner light and the courage to follow its dictates. One who is true to himself develops the attributes needed to survive errors, to keep marching on the road that seems to be without end, and to rise above disappointment and distress.”
In his TED talk, Admiral Stavridis argued that “We will not deliver security solely from the barrel of a gun.” Neither can we strengthen the moral condition of society solely by passing laws or writing new regulations, and neither can we strengthen our personal character and integrity by relying solely on commandments and rules.
While commandments and laws are important, and should be kept and obeyed, there are other opportunities for strengthening our character and integrity. In Moroni chapter 7, Mormon gave us counsel on how we can have “every good thing.” The recipe is simple: Faith, Hope and Charity. If we come unto Christ, humble ourselves and have faith in him, that we might be lifted by his grace, then we must have hope, and if we have faith and hope, then we must have charity. Charity is the pure love of Christ, it endures forever, and without it we are nothing.
Mormon counseled us that when we pray that we should pray to be filled with this love. It is never too early to start, and we should continue to pray that we may continue to be filled with charity, that we may be purified and that we may truly be like Jesus. We must be careful to always have faith and hope, and to always pray and study the scriptures, so that we may never lose this charity once we have been filled with it.
If we are filled with charity, then might our character and integrity be strong, then, like the barges built by the brother of Jared, might we be “tight like unto a dish.”
Even if we are praying regularly to be filled with charity, there will still be threats to our character and integrity and constant vigilance may be the price we pay. Some of the worst things that happen to us are the things we do to ourselves; the doubts we entertain, the grudges that we carry, the habits we pick up and the sins we commit. We may also become prideful; we may ignore reality and say that we have achieved the ideal, even as we continue to fall short. Or we may forget the ideal, saying that it is too hard to achieve, so why even try? We must be ever vigilant, we must be meek and lowly in heart, and we must pray always.
The good news is that the Atonement is there for us, even if our failings are not great sins. The Lord said to Moroni that He gives us weaknesses so that we may be humble; He also said that "my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
There will always be the the opportunity to humble ourselves and have faith in Christ and to be lifted by His grace.
On the Mount of Transfiguration, Jesus appeared in a transfigured state to Peter, James and John -- "And his raiment became shining, exceeding white as snow." Then Moses and Elijah made an appearance. Moments later the mount was overshadowed by a cloud and a voice was heard, saying, "This is my beloved Son: hear him."
Before Jesus began his ministry, there were no prophets in the land, and various individuals and groups claimed an exclusive privilege to interpret scripture. Early in his ministry, Jesus claimed that role for himself, but the Transfiguration answered the question definitively from the perspective of the Gospel writers.
The Hebrew Bible was an open canon during this time, though the Torah (Law) was, for all intents and purposes, a closed canon. The authoritative writings could be divided into three distinct sections, the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. In their appearance, Moses represented the law while Elijah represented the prophets, and they were seen talking with Jesus. This was followed by the voice in the cloud, which identified Jesus and God's Son and commanded that He be heard.
This episode ends any controversy about the right of Jesus to interpret the Law and the Prophets. The disciples were to listen to Jesus, and not to representatives from the Scribes, Sadducees, Pharisees, or Essenes, who claimed the right themselves.
As they descended the mountain, Jesus counseled Peter, James and John not to talk about what they had seen until after His death and resurrection, a statement not understood by the three disciples at the time. Though He would be rejected in Jerusalem by the elders, the scribes and the chief priests, the Father had verified by His own voice that Jesus' forthcoming rejection, suffering, and death in no way disqualified Him as God's beloved Son. Jesus' words must still be obeyed, no matter what happened to him in Jerusalem.
As children we learned to sing:
I am a child of God,
And he has sent me here. . . .
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will
I'll live with him once more.
Though we may be persecuted, rejected, even forgotten by our fellow humans, these trials in no way disqualify us as children of God. Though others may not recognized our noble birthright or see the value which we possess, the fact remains that we are the children of a loving Father in Heaven and that we have value. The actions of those around us cannot repudiate God's declaration that the worth of souls is great.
In those times when we are feeling discouraged, alone and forgotten, we should remember that we are God's children, that He loves us, that He has work for us to do, and that He will not forsake us.
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.
The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!
---
Six months ago I was writing about choosing happiness and accentuating the positive; while I acknowledged that it was not always easy I was pitching that it was time to "sing hallelujah, come on get happy." The road that followed has been a difficult one.
For all the talk of choosing happiness, life is difficult. Sometimes we are called to sail through troubled waters. Sometimes our challenges are of short duration but highly traumatic, at other times they may be of a low intensity but seemingly interminable. Sometimes we must go straight from an Omaha Beach and into Normandy-like hedgerows.
There are times when we desire to rejoice, yet we find our heart groaning. As important as choosing happiness might be, we should remember two things:
First, Nephi, a prophet who had witnessed many great visions, at least once felt to exclaim "O wretched man that I am" because of the temptations and sins which so easily beset him. What those temptations might have been does not really matter, what matters is that they were difficult for him.
Second, Jesus wept. When he finally reached Mary and Martha, after the death of Lazarus, and he beheld their sorrow, he wept. Even though he knew that he would very soon go and raise Lazarus from the dead, Jesus wept.
Knowing these two things, we should cut ourselves some slack next time we desire to rejoice, to choose happiness, to sing hallelujah, but instead feel despair at the vicissitudes of life. We can allow ourselves to feel frustrated, even angry at some of the challenges we face -- there are times when I am not very fond of diabetes.
But then let us remind ourselves of the great gift we celebrate at this time of year. "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son." Then might we say as Nephi did "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, o my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul."
---
"I love you."
Three little words.
Three words, if we are blessed to have someone we love, that we should be saying often.
But if we keep saying the same words, will they not become vain repetitions?
No!
Unless our actions betray our words -- reveal our love to be absent -- then our repetition of "I love you" is not in vain.
Think of other words or phrases we might say with some regularity. Do they lose their meaning just because we keep saying them?
Of course not.
So, next time you get on your knees, and find that you are expressing yourself in words you have said before, and you worry that your repetition is becoming vain, ask yourself if you still mean what you say -- if you are truly sincere.
If the answer is yes, then fear not, and keep praying.
---
It occurs to me that before an individual can receive love, truly open themselves up to receive and accept love, they have to first believe and accept that they were worthy of being loved. Seems simple enough, except that the Adversary is working overtime to persuade us that we are not worthy of receiving love.
For myself, it seems that he started early and has been relentless. I have also made a few mistakes along the way, picked up some bad habits, and some shame for the sins and temptations which so easily beset me. There remains a nagging doubt that if my friends really knew about my weaknesses, they would reject me.
But this is just another lie from the father of all lies. I am a child of God, and He has sent me here. As such, I have value -- we all do! We are all beautiful and special because we are the creation of a loving Father in Heaven.
Courage, then, for the Lord is on our side.
Crash and burn. I feel that I have again crashed and burned. The last few months of 2017 were a very difficult ending to a difficult year. It should have been a better year, but it wasn't.
The year 2016 started off with a financial crisis, which was then followed by a health crisis. I stopped taking my insulin because I believed that I could not afford the prescription. I had been getting samples from my doctor, but that benefit went away.
For six months I sailed through Dangerous Ground alone. (Dangerous Ground is a large area in the southeast part of the South China Sea characterized by many low islands and cays, sunken reefs, and atolls awash, with reefs often rising abruptly from ocean depths. In October 1944, the submarine USS Darter (SS-227) ran aground on Bombay Shoal in Palawan Passage. In January 2013, the mine countermeasures ship USS Guardian (MCM-5) ran aground on Tubbataha Reef in the middle of the Sulu Sea.) Because of the financial crisis, my wife checked out, seeking to avoid the things she felt that she could not handle. I naturally felt forsaken by God to be in a position where I was dependent on a prescription I could not afford.
I expected to die, but was preserved, so I could not have been truly forsaken. The year ended with a promotion at work which helped me to afford my prescription and which also helped build my confidence. But the promotion was temporary, and as 2017 began, I felt that I was back to where I had been before it. At work I felt as if I had been shoved into a corner and forgotten. I also felt that I was running out of time to find a way to afford that insulin, and was headed for another financial crisis. Again I felt alone and forsaken.
But, again, I was not wholly forsaken, for when the crisis came, I received the help that was needed. It wasn't easy; I had to accept a generous helping of humble pie, yet I was blessed. My wife resolved to face her fears, so I was less alone. Yet I woke up in the middle of one night, experiencing a low blood sugar episode, and as I looked in my car for some protein bars, I found myself shouting at God for leaving me so utterly alone in 2016.
For all I had been through, which included the death of some friends and my uncle, my heart was broken, and healing would not come. I continued to feel forgotten at work, and began to lose some of the confidence I had gained from that temporary promotion. One more crisis loomed as my high school reunion neared and I wondered what would happen if and when I saw a a friend who had been shutting me out. As the days counted down I became more and more anxious, imagining many different scenarios.
Once more, I was not really forsaken. When I saw my friend, there was no confrontation, no ugly scene. While we didn't talk, our eyes met, and we found a way to have peace. Still, the moment was ambiguous, and I wondered if I should offer an olive branch through a mutual friend. The response came back that such an offer was not necessary. My friend was pleased that we could both attend the reunion, and I gathered that, while everything might not be perfect, there had been progress made in the last few years and that the matter was moving in the right direction.
In the summer of 2016, I lost an angel, an old friend, to cancer. In the fall of 2017, I found another angel, and a new friend, who I was able to visit in her time of need. Yet it is true that the byproduct we receive by giving service to another can sometimes be greater than our contribution – or so it may seem. My new friend, seemingly near death, recovered, and seeing this has filled me with a joy I cannot describe. But her real gift to me was to know that someone really appreciated what I have been trying to contribute with my photos and my stories.
I often struggle with compliments, finding myself deflecting them, or simply disbelieving them. But my friend was so evidently sincere, that I could not help but believe. I have tried, as a result, to be more accepting and believing of the compliments I receive. It has not been easy, but it has been worth it.
Though 2017 had its crises, on the heals of the crises of 2016, I have been blessed with help when I needed it, and with unexpected gifts. But broken hearts can be stubborn, at least mine has been. For all of the good, I need only go to work each day, to feel again that I have been forgotten. I thought about looking for another job, but if my only option is to go to a different call center, then I might as well just stay.
Working in a call center is a great way to feel like chopped liver. There are Key Point Indicators – stats -- and expectations to meet, and mandatory overtime is a fact of life. It was difficult enough before that temporary promotion – I was a trainer, teaching new agents, and it was one of the best things I have done professionally – but coming down from that high made it so much more difficult to take calls all day everyday. One reason I stayed was the hope of being a trainer again during the fall ramp-up season, but that didn't happen.
While I was stuck on the phone, my fellow trainers from the 2016 ramp were walking the floor as SMEs. My supervisors would talk about getting me certified to take escalation calls but then did little to make it happen. I would try to stop focusing on the things I could not control and instead focus on helping the callers; inevitably, I would get an angry caller and that effort would fly out the window.
I used to be better at not letting things get to me, at going with the flow, and taking things as they come. But not in 2017; instead I found that I struggled to take my own advice, which I had been giving to my wife for years as she struggled with challenges at her jobs. I thought, after all, that I had learned so much in high school and on my mission about dealing with adversity. Now it seemed as if none of those lessons had value.
My wife always said that it was easier said than done, and now it seemed that she had been right all along. The only good thing I can see coming from this is that, perhaps, I will be a little more understanding when she has her struggles. At work, 2018 has been more of the same, and I have struggled to find answers.
Perhaps, though, the ultimate moment of feeling forgotten came at Christmastime. I have learned not to have expectations about gifts, to just enjoy being with family and to view any presents as a bonus. But this Christmas I felt that I had literally received nothing. Many of the gifts given to both my wife and I were sugary treats that I cannot eat because of my diabetes. I received some apologies, but that seemed to be all. I tried to accept the apologies and let it go -- because Christmas, after all, is not about the gifts you receive -- and at first I was successful.
My birthday is two days after Christmas, and starting when I was a teenager it has seemed that it is usually forgotten. In 2017 it was remembered at work and on social media, and by my wife, but I found myself spiraling into a deep depression. The Christmas shutout came back to haunt me as I spent much of the day anticipating another birthday disaster.
one year my wife wanted to take me to dinner at the Mandarin in Bountiful, a really bad idea on a night between Christmas and New Years, and the place was packed. We went to Plan B, a restaurant in Salt Lake, only to find that it, too, was packed. In no mood for Plan C, I gave up and we went home. While I sulked, my wife ordered Chinese food to be delivered – she does love me!
Actually, there was no birthday disaster in 2017, except for the depression I had spiraled into. Once you fall into depression, it is very difficult to climb out. Again, my job is no help. I continue to struggle, and I have fallen to some of the temptations which so easily beset me.
But lest I end this post on a low note, let me remind you of the good things that happened in 2017. I received the help i needed when faced again with financial and health crises. When I worried about seeing an old friend at the reunion, I instead found peace – at last, peace! I found an angel who gave me the gift of allowing me to give service to her, and also the gift of a sincere compliment to my self worth. I received blessings that I had not fully appreciated before I sat down to write this post.
There is hope, then, even as I may be called to endure yet more challenges at work.
"And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of our faith in him according to the promise" (Moroni 7:41).
As an answer to the problems which face us, President Thomas S. Monson counseled us to "Look to the lighthouse of the Lord. There is no fog so dense, no night so dark, no gale so strong, no mariner so lost but what its beacon light can rescue. It beckons through the storms of life. The lighthouse of the Lord sends forth signals readily recognized and never failing. . . . The Lord loves us, my brothers and sisters, and will bless us as we call upon Him."
Let us remember the words found in Psalms 18:2-3: "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; . . . I will call upon the Lord . . . so [I shall] be saved from mine enemies."
President Monson added that, "From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with the tears of loneliness, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: 'I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee' (Joshua 1:5). Such comfort is priceless."
He did not fail me, nor was I ever really forsaken. Let us count our blessings, then, and look to the lighthouse, for there is always hope.
Each Christmas Eve, the California San Jose Mission had a mission wide Christmas Conference -- every missionary in the mission gathered at Cherry Chapel, the LDS meetinghouse on Cherry Avenue in San Jose. Each zone would perform a skit or a musical number. The Christmas Conference in 1988, when I had been out about a year, was my first.
My zone sang Far, Far Away on Judea’s Plains and I Stand All Amazed in Spanish. The zone leaders of the Eastside San Jose Zone were Span Ams (Spanish speaking elders) and according to at least one of them, I Stand All Amazed is tons better in Spanish.
After the performances of each zone, we broke for lunch. My trainer, and an elder who was with us in my first apartment, came and sat with me and my current companion. My trainer and I had not gotten along very well when we were together, but a few weeks before Christmas he sent me a card in which he thanked me for what he learned from our time together. That Christmas Eve, over lunch, we had a nice conversation; I could not get over how friendly he was being. Meanwhile, as part of reaching for a goal I had set to become more outgoing, I tried to take advantage of the opportunity to make conversation.
After lunch we had a surprise speaker, President Howard W. Hunter, who had some family in the area. President Hunter had an informal, friendly chat with us about some of the neat things that are going on in the church. For example, while the church did not have official recognition in Myanmar (formerly known as Burma), some citizens in that country had found a priesthood leadership manual and some other church materials and wanted to organize a branch inside the country. Because the church was not recognized by the government, they could not baptize these people or organize a branch, but the church was looking for ways to help these individuals without breaking the laws of Myanmar.
After his remarks, those of us who wished to, lined up to shake his hand. When I shook his hand I had the feeling that he would be the next president of the church. At the time, President Hunter was in a wheelchair due to some health issues he was experiencing; at recent General Conferences he gave his addresses while sitting down. Some of my fellow missionaries were not sure when I told them of the impression I had received. Nonetheless, a few years after I came home from my mission, President Hunter did become president of the church. While he was the president only a short time, his example and teachings were endearing to many. President Hunter would pass away not long after the dedication of a temple in my hometown, Bountiful, Utah.
The Christmas Conference was an opportunity to talk to missionaries I had not seen in awhile, from old companions and apartment mates, to some elders who were with me in the MTC.
After the conference, my companion and I went to a dinner appointment with a family in the ward we were assigned to. After dinner we played Pictionary with the two older daughters who slaughtered us -- seriously, it was not pretty.
The next morning, Sunday and Christmas Day, we went to a combined Sacrament Meeting for three wards. After the meeting we stopped by the home of the ward mission leader and watched his family open their presents; they found a few candy bars to give to us as presents.
Then it was off to lunch with another member family. After eating we played another game, Whatzit, where you try to guess names or phrases from jumbled up images. I had a difficult time with this game because it helps to talk it out as you try to guess, and I'm just not that verbal. Otherwise, a fun time was had by all.
After dinner that night, with yet another member family, we stopped by the bishop's home on our way back to our apartment.
At some point that day we opened the packages of presents our parents sent us. My parents gave me a mini-quad and a slide viewer, so I could look at the photos I have been taking out here, which I had been getting developed as slides. Also, they gave me four short-sleeved white shirts; I was fortunate my first summer to be on the coast in Seaside, where the breeze of the ocean allowed me to get by with long-sleeved white shirts. I was certain that the next summer I would be somewhere in San Jose, where it would be hot and humid.
All in all, it was a good Christmas.
June 8, 1988
We had a teaching appointment scheduled with Trudy for Thursday morning, but when we arrived she wasn't there. Her daughter informed us that Trudy had had a stroke and was in the hospital up in Salinas. We got some directions and the room number and then left.
We went tracting, got in one door and met this really nice lady. She is a Jehovah’s Witness and as we were teaching she basically took over. But unlike the J-dubs I have met before, she didn’t bash, she was just so happy that she could not contain it. Also unlike other J-dubs, she used love and sincerity as she taught us. Her message sounded good, too. I was tempted a few times to bash, but fought the urge. This experience was so unlike the one with those J-dubs in Menlo Park and it has filled me with some doubts. While things are starting off better here in Seaside, I am still awfully discouraged. If I am blessed to have the truth, how can I be so miserable while this J-dub lady is so happy?
It was naivety on my part in wondering how this lady we had tracted into could be so happy if she did not have the truth, and how I could be so miserable if I did have the truth. I have since come to learn that God accepts all sincere expressions of faith. While other churches might not have all truth, they do have some truth, and if that is enough to make people happy, who am I to argue. As a missionary, I only sought to add to the truths that others had.
After lunch we drove up to Salinas to visit Trudy in the hospital. I do not know the details, but apparently she has been under a lot of stress and this led to her having a stroke on Tuesday. We gave her a priesthood blessing, in which I did the anointing; then we went to the gift shop and bought her some gum and Life Savers.
On the way home we stopped at the Baker’s, a member family, and talked with them for awhile. After that we came back to the flat to check and see if we had team-ups, which we did not. The Baker’s had a son playing in a baseball game this evening and we went and watched. After the game we went to the Baker’s home to chat some more. Eventually it was time to come home and go to bed.
That night I was feeling a bit disillusioned. For two years I have been operating on the belief that I knew the Church was true. I recall praying one night to ask if it was true and I am not sure that I really felt anything. I thought that I felt good and took that as an answer. Who knows, but maybe my faith and sincerity were not sufficient. At the same time, however, I did feel that my faith had been increasing as I was reading the Book of Mormon for the first time. In any case I was left that night with a desire to know, to really know, if the Church is true.
Before going to bad, I re-read Moroni's Promise, then I turned out the light and got down on my knees. I started with just a normal prayer, but then I stopped and tried to say what was in my heart. I found it difficult at first, but at length the words did come. I talked about my confusion and told my Heavenly Father of my desire to know if the Church is true. Then I asked if the Church was true, and I felt nothing. I cannot say that I really felt anything at all. I again explained my desire and the reasons behind it before asking a second time. “Father, I ask thee in the name of Jesus Christ is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints the only true and living church upon the face of the whole earth?” Again, I felt nothing.
Now I began to plead. “Father please,” I said, “I need to know.” Then I said that I perhaps needed an answer a bit more clear than others might. I asked a third time, and again I felt nothing. The tears welled in my eyes as I thought the answer to be no. Oh, how much I prayed that the Church was true. I wanted it to be so very much and I told my Heavenly Father so. The tears began to flow and for several minutes, or so it seemed, I could only cry. Then thoughts began to flood my mind that I had wasted four and a half months here in California; that I had wasted the last 19 years. Not knowing what to do I closed my prayer asking for knowledge and then crawled into bed.
The tears continued to flow and I wondered what it is that I should do, for I thought that I was serving a false church. How could I continue to do so for another eighteen months or so until it was time to go home? I cried and I cried. “Why couldn’t it be true?” But there was something in me that fought back saying, “No, Elder Cox, the Church is true, you know it is!” I guess that it was the desire of wanting the Church to be true. It must have been my love of the gospel and its message. The tears continued to flow. “Oh, why couldn’t it be true?”
Then something whispered to me, “Elder Cox, ask again.” My desire that the Church be true won out. I looked to heaven and my heart cried out, “Is the Church true Father, it is true?” Then it happened, my feelings of pain and sorrow fled and a new feeling of peace entered my heart. It was a warm feeling, and it was as if someone had lit a match in a dark room. The feeling comforted my aching heart; all tears and sorrow melted away. That small feeling brought such great joy to me and all my burdens disappeared. My heart cried, “It is true, it is true! Thank you Father, thank you for answering my prayer.”
I think that maybe the Lord wanted to test my sincerity and faith. The Lord did answer my prayers, but it was not an immediate answer. I asked Him four times if the Church was true, and it was only after the fourth time that I received my answer, and only, I think, because I expressed such a sincere desire that the Church be true. I think that sometimes we expect answers to be immediate, and they do not always come so quickly. Sometimes it takes a while, as well as great sincerity and faith.
I know that the Church is true; that The Book of Mormon is the word of God; that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God; and that President Ezra Taft Benson is the Lord’s prophet today. This does not eliminate the need for faith, for I do not have a perfect knowledge of all things. But these things I know, because I received a witness by the power of the Holy Ghost in answer to my prayer.
So, that was Thursday, June 2, 1988. On Friday, June 3, we had a breakfast appointment with the Bakers. After that we came back to the flat so I could do some laundry. In the laundry room I met a lady who expressed some interest in the church. She said that she wanted to attend our church this Sunday, so I gave her a pamphlet with the address and meeting times, along with a copy of the Book of Mormon.
In the afternoon, I went with Elder Tango up to Marina -- on the other side of Fort Ord -- to visit a few contacts and members. In the evening, Elders Spandau and Victor left saying they were going to get some fast food. Instead, they went to the grocery story, where they ran into a member who invited them home for dinner. They were gone for three hours.
We didn't get much work done on Saturday or Monday. On Saturday we attended a youth baptism and then went to the member's home in Marina for dinner. On Monday we drove out to Carmel Valley to visit an outlet store for Robert Talbot silk ties, only to find, ironically, that the store is closed on Mondays.
I spent Tuesday in Salinas with Elder Juliett, whose comp went with Elder Tango to the monthly leadership meeting up in San Jose, so I got to spend the day with a friend from the MTC. We went tracting in the morning, got in one door and had an hour long teach with an old lady who is too set in her ways. By chance, we had a referral on the same street – okay, maybe it wasn’t a coincidence. Anyway, we checked on the referral and they asked us to come back at 5:00 p.m. After a few more doors we went to see a contact to teach a first discussion, but we got dogged. We tried to cheer ourselves up by eating pizza for lunch. After eating we taught a third discussion to an investigator, with whom we almost got to set a baptismal date.
After the teaching appointment we went back and finished the street we had started this morning. Once we finished the street we went to teach the first discussion to the referral we had contacted earlier. As it turns out, they have a grandson going on a mission soon and just wanted to know what he would be doing. From there we were off to another teaching appointment; unfortunately it turned out to be a bad time for the investigator. It was a good day.
Today we had a Zone activity up near Santa Cruz at Sea Cliff State Beach. At the beach is this old ship sunk at the end of a pier. As it happens, the ship was built during World War I . . . out of concrete.
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June 15, 1988
We tracted on Thursday, on a street that seemed to go on for forever and a day, and placed a copy of the Book of Mormon. In the afternoon, we also checked on a referral. In the evening we had a dinner appointment that turned out to be a take out meal. The sister who invited us cooked the food and we brought it back to our apartment to eat.
We drove out to Salinas on Friday, to see Trudy in the hospital. We were hoping to teach her the second discussion but , unfortunately, she had had another stroke during surgery yesterday and was not well enough for a discussion. After returning to Seaside we checked on a number of referrals without any success at all, no one was home.
In the afternoon we stopped by to see Brother “Bud” Bartlett. Bud is a stake missionary who lives in a shack behind his daughter’s home just over the city boundary in Monterey. Bud also has something like Parkinson’s Disease and is losing motor function and coordination. His wife left him because she couldn’t handle his medical situation. Bud is also the friendliest and most positive member of the church that I have met so far.
On Saturday, we attended a wedding at the stake center. The happy couple, upon hearing that I was a yearbook photographer in high school, asked me to take the wedding photos with their camera. In the evening, we had a dinner appointment with the Bakers. We seem to be spending a lot of time with the Bakers lately because they have a foosball table.
On Sunday, we had a dinner appointment after church, out in Carmel Valley. In the evening we had another dinner appointment with the Bakers, followed by more foosball. Alas, it was all for the last time, as the Bakers are moving to L.A. as the father got a new construction job down there.
Monday marked five months since I entered the MTC. We went tracting in the morning and Elder Spandau tried out a new approach, pretending that we were taking a survey about the church. In the afternoon, Brother Miller, a stake missionary, drove us out to Salinas to visit Trudy in the hospital. This time we were able to teach her the second discussion. We also set a date for baptism, June 26, and it should go through if her health cooperates.
Let me give you an idea of how platinum this investigator is. Out here we see a lot of bumper stickers on members’ cars with an image of the Moroni statue with the letters LDS underneath. Trudy already has such a sticker on her car. She has made three promises to the Lord if she gets out of the hospital: 1. she will take care of her daughter’s son, 2. she will take care of the older lady she is living with and, 3. she will be baptized.
On Tuesday, we took a copy of the Book of Mormon to Brother Bartlett. We helped him bring in some groceries and chatted with him for a while. He used to be a California Highway Patrolman and spent much of his career in Palo Alto and Modesto. Bud is a huge classical music fan, but he does not like anything by Mozart.
This morning we went out to Pacific Grove for some sight seeing.
In addition to spending a lot of time with the Bakers lately, and playing foosball, there is something else Spandau and I have been doing too much of. There is another member family that we have been visiting, and we have been watching television. I am not at all happy about it, but its something my companion keeps wanting to do.
